Conventions and Conciousness

"All boundaries are conventions, waiting to be transcended. One may transcend any convention, if one can first conceive of doing so. . . . .My life extends far beyond the limits of me.  - Cloud Atlas

A basic law of the universe is that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change form. The same law applies to our consciousness.

I’ve finally picked up Women Who Run With the Wolves the past couple of days and continued to read it. The author mentions a Japanese philosopher, Shotoku Taishi, who lived at the turn of the 6^th century. Among other things, he taught that one must do psychic work in both the inner and outer worlds; even more so, he taught tolerance for every creature, human, and emotion. Imagine that? She goes on to say, “Even raw and messy emotions are a form of light, crackling, bursting with energy.”

This makes more sense to me than anything I've heard up until now. 

This particular topic resonated with me this morning, mostly because I still feel an intense form of rage. It’s one of those unpleasant and taboo emotions that we’re often told we can’t feel. “Just get over it” is something I’ve heard more times than I care to count. PTSD doesn’t work that way. I sincerely wish I could just get over it and let it go, but that’s not really addressing the issue, is it?

I had an interesting conversation with the bartender at a wine bar recently. He suggested several books which I feel like I have to get immediately . . . but then I remember I’m still working through my beloved journey with the wolves and have a couple of Dean Radin’s works that I’ve set aside as well. One of the names he mentioned (I think it may have been a philosopher and not an author) was this: from birth, we spend the rest of our lives trying to heal ourselves. Why is that? My best guess is that we spend more time suppressing feelings (particularly the ‘bad’ ones) rather than expressing them, or finding an outlet to expel those emotions.

I think it's the permission part that I struggle with. It's a common theme with me, isn't it? 

So I’m feeling an intense rage right now. I can acknowledge that. Nothing spells out ‘rage’ more than a flurry of messages sent online that are rampant with grammatical errors. This was an exchange that took place between the friend from tango and I, because I’m still trying to wrap my head around why he’d badger me into admitting something I didn’t want to share. Perhaps I need to stop asking ‘why’ and simply accept that we’re all human and flawed to some degree.

Perhaps the Irish Lass needs to remind herself of this more often.

It’s not only the PTSD relapse, but other things taking place in my life that have compounded my current anger. I’m angry at a few people in my life at the moment.

My office environment feels toxic to me now. I sincerely don’t want to come into work (but I don’t really have a choice, do I?) because I don’t want to be subjected to such an insidious personality (DF) and a manager who sticks his head in the sand. For the record, I like him very much as a person. He’s just poor management material. It took me taking a sick day because I was simply not functional and sending him an e-mail again explaining the toxicity of my interactions with DF, my PTSD was triggered and that I had called the union to mediate a meeting for him to pay attention. Still, this was something he didn’t handle himself. He finally had our HR person handle the situation after over a year of complaints not only from me, but from others in the office, regarding DF's behavior. I’m furious that it had to come to this before anything was done about the atmosphere of the office in which I work 5 days a week. I'm sure only a few words spoken to her by someone of authority (because she appeared to take my own concerns with a grain of salt) would have remedied the situation fairly quickly. I currently spend most of my life at work and it’s the last place on earth I should be triggered because someone else needs to scream about her victimization. I’m tempted to include an excerpt from her ranting, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’ll just say that it surmounts to a 12 page diatribe of someone in a victim contest crying wolf. That’s the best description I can give.

I don't like using this expression. It's an insult to the wolves. 

I have one friendship that I wasn’t sure about and when I spent a weekend with this friend after not seeing her for a couple of months, I ultimately decided that her presence in my life is not beneficial to me. I’ve grown tired of friendships that are clearly one sided and I was mentally exhausted by the end of the weekend. Part of that was due to me having to pay for 85% of everything that weekend and she knows full well that I’m struggling and, unlike her, I don’t live rent free with my parents who pay my bills. The other part was a consistent domination of conversation: if I brought up a topic she’d quickly interrupt me and rattle on and on and on; and the conversation would quickly turn to something that she was angry about: mostly people. If she didn’t talk over me to express anger over something, it was to tell me something along the lines of her speaking several languages or that she’s a descendant of the Romanovs. The last portion is her need to make herself seem so important to others . . . and also her love of drinking. This is not a person I care to have in my life. I’m trying to figure out a way to phase her out. While the mature thing is to have a conversation with her, I’m simply done with exerting energy of any form into this friendship and I’m done with explaining myself.

I no longer have the patience for this.

Another friendship began with an agreement to support one another through the difficult times. I had done my best to prop him up, particularly when my life was in a state of chaos. When he asked how I was doing and I honestly told him, he all but vanished from my life. It’s the feeling of abandonment that upsets me; it’s also the feeling of being used.

A good friend who has known me for many years, particularly through one of the harder times in my life as a young teenager, said something in one of our online exchanges that resonated with me. She said I was so used to having to take so much garbage from everyone else (because I had no choice in the matter) that I feel guilty when I ask, “What’s left for me?” I consider this friend to be a kindred spirit. In fact, as I define soul mates in a way that differs from the general consensus, I’d say she’s one of my soul mates. I think her observation was spot on. I feel undeserving most of the time which is probably why the slightest form of kindness almost always brings me to tears.

I think what's left for me is nature and the hound.

I made a promise to myself that this year would be better. I’m cutting off as much dead weight as I can. I’m still trying to find a new position. I’m still submitting applications and am now seriously considering looking outside of this organization. It’s a pity when I think about it, because all of this work-related nonsense was preventable. I’m cutting off ties with friends who use me for whatever resources they can take.

My energy is better spent making room for more genuine things in my life.

While I can’t cut off my emotions, I’m trying to find the best way to channel them. I don’t know if my best plan of attack right now is to dig deeper and see what other unresolved aspects of my life experience are surfacing on some subconscious level, or simply acknowledging that the anger is a real thing right now. 

I still have yet to find the 'hardest' thing in life. Unfortunately, I tend to take a match to things. 

Shelter From the Storm

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.” – St. Francis de Sales

This last month has been stressful and chaotic. I had pushed myself so hard while still following through with most of my commitments that I drove myself to sickness. I also had people comment on how calm I was. I internally laughed at them. I certainly didn’t feel calm; and now that most of those stressful events and commitments have passed I find myself feeling and reacting like someone in a heightened state of agitation. I’ve been here a million times before.

So what’s the Irish Lass to do? I read an article on grounding techniques. A suggestion was to ask oneself, ‘Am I breathing?’ I ask myself this question several times a day and instantly feel myself connected back to reality as I sense myself breathing. Then I remind myself that I’m here. I’m okay. I’m calm. There is no threat here. Keep breathing.

A deep inhale to remind me . . . . 

I still intend to drop off the radar for a couple weeks in the near future. I’m just too tired and worn out to deal with anything, really. I’m still going because I have to – but I really need to take a ‘staycation’ in the near future. The effect of so much stress is pretty obvious right now. I’m forgetful and even though I hide it extremely well I feel like going for the jugular of about half the people I interact with throughout my day. I lack patience for others and I think every minor thing that I don’t know how to solve immediately is a disaster of epic proportions. Just keep breathing.

The sky isn't falling. I can breathe now. 

I have people in my life that keep me grounded as well, the main one being Spaniard. While his tactics are questionable, it’s working. I danced tango after a few days of him making me tell him I’m beautiful, I’m loved, I’m amazing, etc. The end result was something far better than I had expected: I was calm when I danced. I was so calm that others noticed and asked me who I was studying under to help me improve so much. I wouldn’t say that there was really any improvement, only that I was able to quiet my mind enough to actually listen to what my lead was signaling. The reptilian part of my brain actually shut off for a while. Word.

Beautiful tango. I've missed you. 

As Spaniard tells me often, ’Don’t disparage yourself and NEVER disparage yourself in front of me.’ I made the mistake of berating myself for something. He literally popped me on the mouth for speaking negatively towards myself. As he’s lead me through his methods of madness at least I’ve learned to question what I say and eventually question what I’m thinking, particularly when it comes to me. I have had the lowest self-esteem for a while now. Spaniard won’t let me continue to live life with that.  I guess to get over that hurdle someone had to force me to do it. I’m not completely over it yet, but I’m getting there. Heck, maybe I’ll be ready to take off my buffer ring sooner than I expected. For now, it’s still my security blanket . . .  and I’m still breathing.

I've been getting so many compliments on this bad boy lately. 

Then there’s my brother who often talks me out of crises mode. He tells me not to worry. Everything will be fine. I’m not alone. While we’ve developed our own language of affection that consists of trash talking each other, we do so in jest and he’s far better at it than me. When I was sick last week he sent me a text saying he tried to poison me and needed to send it back for a refund. He makes me laugh randomly and reminds me that I don’t have to be so serious and so intense all of the time. The hound reminds me to calm down, too. I see him when I’ve had a long day and am worried about several things simultaneously and tell myself that I need to stay calm for him. I have to recognize that I need to be calm for me, too.

This would have been us in our younger years.

What I would love more than anything in the world right now is to snuggle up next to someone and just be for a few hours. There’s no significant other in the picture, so what’s the next best solution? TANGO!!! I’ve missed a couple of weeks and consequently have missed its therapeutic qualities. I miss the folks that I see on a regular basis and my handful of favorite leads who I adore because they are kind and good people.

I need to get back to this passionate form of dance! Also, her dress looks like mine . . . . and I still can't dance like this. Just in case you were wondering.

I’m tempted to say that I feel like the eye of the storm is coming –but that suggests more chaos and nonsense. Instead I’ll tell myself that the storm is passing and I don’t see another one looming in the horizon. My reptilian brain and shut off for a while because I don’t need it. I’m not fighting for survival, I’m living.

Blue skies are on the horizon. I miss nature, too. I need to fix that.

“The language of excitement is at best picturesque merely. You must be calm before you can utter oracles.” – Henry David Thoreau

Truths and Warning Signs

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein

I hesitated for some time to even talk about this, much less write it and post it in cyber world. I’m rather disappointed in myself, really. Ultimately, I decided to go for it in the hopes that someone like me can benefit from it and also a plea for women with low self-esteem, who are naïve from lack of intuition because you were never taught these skills, perhaps you’ve experienced trauma or loss and there was no one there to comfort you, to take the time to reconnect with yourself. Find your footing, embrace who you are and trust your instincts above all else.

There are several forms of abuse; I will be discussing the form that comes in spoken word and manipulation. Vulnerability can be easily sensed. We become vulnerable from time to time due to things like loss, trauma, a broken heart, etc. Vulnerability makes us easy pickings for others seeking to take advantage of a person in an emotional, psychical, weakened state of mind.

"With each passage of human growth we must shed a protective structure. We are left exposed and vulnerable - but also yeasty and embryonic again, capable of stretching in ways we hadn't known before." - Gail Sheehy

Vulnerability is a strength as well. It shows we dare to experience life and ride the emotions. It's problematic when you've become so exposed and feel so voiceless that you've allowed others to dominate you.

I came to the realization last night while talking with a friend over dinner that every guy I’ve dated, spoken with, hung out with, or had any connection to whatsoever over this past year (my genuine friends excluded) – has really only been a Band-Aid – and they’ve been poor Band-Aids at that: the kind that leave the wound festering.

I need to learn to take life slower and grieve when I’m sad or mending a broken heart instead of trying to stuff it down and tough it out. This lack of self-care and personal awareness landed me in a relationship that was headed down a very dark path.

Not only was it dark, but it was lonely, too. When I finally quit denying what was happening I was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth.

It was nice in the beginning, but there were also some blatant warning signs that I never noticed until I gave myself some time to turn things over in my head. He seemed nice. He said he wanted to protect me. Warning Sign # 1: No one should talk about protecting you. It hints at ownership – and this is never a good thing.

He was consistently late. Very late. I once sat outside of a milonga waiting for him for 2 hours. He kept telling me that he was on his way and to wait. Warning Signs #2 and 3: Someone who is consistently late is blatantly stating their time is more important than yours and that you are on their clock. In other words: your world must revolve around this person’s schedule. Lies, even little ones that seem harmless should be examined closely. More lies surfaced later: his status as a college student, his employment, even a criminal record that he kept under wraps. 

Less than a month into the relationship he had too much to drink and picked a fight with me. I excused his behavior with inebriation. I didn’t want to stick around and try to work it out because that was pointless: He was drunk and would not listen to reason. He threatened to break up with me if I left. I did. What proceeded after were several texts. Some of them threatening followed by pleas to turn around and come back because he was sorry. I was very stupid. I turned around to patch things up. Warning Sign #4: Someone who drinks that often and to the point of angry inebriation is battling with their own demons and possible addiction. Stay away. You can’t help them. You are not responsible for them. You are responsible for you. Warning Sign #5: He obviously tried to intimidate me by playing on my insecurities. It didn’t work at first. Eventually I caved in. Don’t let someone intimidate or manipulate you. Ever. You are better than that and you deserve better than that.

This is an accurate depiction to how I should have reacted to that

Not long after that first spiff things went downhill very quickly. He accused me of flirting with a friend of a friend. I was chatting with said acquaintance over drinks with a group of people. He was a transplant doctor. I work with transplant patients. That subject was 90 percent of our conversation. Warning Sign #6: It was obvious that the guy I was dating was extremely insecure and he took this out on me on more than one occasion. He hated my job, accused me of bowing to the corporate gods, and often tried to talk me into skipping work to spend a day with him. I’d had the job for less than a month and he knew I worked very hard to get it. This brings me to Warning Sign #7: Never involve yourself with someone who lives their life with jealousy. This is one of the unhealthiest emotions.

From his perspective, my alleged flirtation is what ruined everything. He hated the way I dressed. He resented any male friend I had and the fact that I am still speaking with a few of the men I’ve previously dated. He didn’t want me to dance tango. He wanted me to just lay about with him all day . . . . and it was never enough. I never gave him enough of my time. I never did enough. I was never enough. Warning Sign #8: You are enough. Never let someone try to tell you otherwise. Warning Sign #9: Don’t involve yourself with someone who wants to change you. There is nothing wrong with you. No one needs to ‘fix you’ or tell you to act like a ‘proper lady’; f*ck those social conventions straight to hell!! Connect with the archetype of the wild woman. Channel that energy.

Sing and howl at the moon while you're at it - just for kicks.

Because he was always angry with me, I was constantly doing something for him to show him how much I cared for him - because I was always wrong. I was always the one who screwed up. I do not have enough words in my vocabulary to express how very wrong this is. Warning Sign #10: Stay away from angry people, especially those who want to use you as their personal verbal punching bag. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Never allow someone to put you down. Never allow someone to make you feel shame for who you are.

I was beginning to see the many unhealthy aspects of this poor excuse for a relationship one night when he took me to a restaurant just to be extremely confrontational, tell me how disgusted he was by me, accuse me of never showing my real self to him and a rambling of other things that I can’t remember. He didn’t stop until I threw money at him for my soup and walked out crying. I walked home. I cried the whole way. I don’t recall a time in my life when someone has ever pushed me to be so sad and simultaneously angry. I had apologized over and over again for things that I wasn’t at fault for and this was never ‘sincere’ or ‘genuine’ enough for him. Warning Sign #11: If someone can’t see your truest intentions, but people you’ve barely met can, that person has clearly painted an image of you in his/her head that is unfavorable and inaccurate. Don’t let someone tell you who you are. 

This is pretty much how the pattern works. Don't allow yourself to fall into this. 

Towards the very end, I took him on a vacation as a birthday gift. Originally, I had been looking forward to it, but dreaded it as the days passed drawing me closer to it. He made me wait for more than an hour while he finished packing. I drove because he told me not to get a rental car, he would work something else out (he didn’t work something out). I was tired when we finally arrived. He wanted to go out. I accommodated. I accommodated the entire time – and he still chose to be angry at me for the things that I didn’t do. If you always feel like you have to apologize to someone, get the hell out. Don’t put yourself through that. Warning Sign #12: When it comes to a narcissist, everything is about them. You will spend time with their friends and their family, not yours. Someone who takes more than an hour to get ready on a regular basis is not worth your time. Someone who always makes you feel badly about yourself is a bully who is lashing out due to his or her own insecurities. The insecurities of another person are not your responsibility.

I finally asked for some space. He could only honor that request for one day - just one. He sent flowers, fruit baskets and texts. My request was simple and he couldn’t honor that. He tried to persuade me. He tried to buy me. You are not for sale. You are not a piece of property.

That was a whirlwind that lasted just three months. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Sure, he was charming – but also a ticking time bomb and I didn’t see how bad my situation was until much later. Had I been watchful, had I been cautious and in tune with my instinctual self, I probably would have ignored him.

In the words of Bukowski, "Be on the watch." 

Since then, more things have happened that have compounded trauma on top of trauma and I’ve encountered even more people who are ill intended. One person in particular is from tango. He’s married, but they’re ‘trudging through it until their oldest graduates from high school’. I’m angry because he lied to me. He presented himself as a friend and it soon became clear that friendship was not what he had in mind. To be honest, I’m just plain fed up. Last Friday I bought myself a buffer ring. I’m really not sure if that’s the correct term; basically, it’s a fake engagement ring. So far it’s working quite well for me and will hopefully keep the bad type of man out of my life long enough for me to just be me.

I’m spending time in self-reflection and coming to terms with a few truths about myself that I didn’t care to admit: 1. I am emotionally vulnerable right now and have been for some time. 2. Genuine love cannot be turned off and a Band-Aid will not fix it. I can’t simply find a substitute and hope that the pain goes away. 3. I have no business dating and probably wasn’t quite ready when I was reunited with the Beloved. I was still healing and didn’t recognize it because I allowed myself to be caught up in the joy of him: his presence in my life, being with him; to be honest, everything about him, actually.

I sing 'Can't Touch This' in my head every time I put this on. 

If you’re still with me now, I’m impressed. I want to be clear with my intent. This is not meant to mar someone’s reputation. The purpose of this extremely long entry is to reach out to those who are vulnerable and perhaps feeling a little lost. Don’t let someone take advantage of you. Don’t let someone try to talk their way into your life. Trust yourself and perhaps even guard yourself until you feel ready to face the world again. Surround yourself with people who are uplifting and bring positive energy into your life. For any female readers I recommend Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It has been a real eye opener for me – so much so that I’ve purchased a handful of copies for friends. I hope it helps you to reconnect with your inner strength as well.