Madness

Today I felt it pass over me, a breath of wind from the wings of madness.

~ Charles Baudelaire

I have made extreme efforts to keep the negativity out of my life, and it still seems to manage to find me. Some of the stories I'm about to share may make your jaw drop, but I merely relay them as an example of the type of people I attract into my life.


As noted from my last blog, I had a run in with a total douche bag. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth. After a little over a month of the silent treatment, douchebag got the hint and I haven't heard from him since. Win!


Unfortunately, the fuckery didn't stop there. I have been involved with some interesting folks since then, and I didn't figure out how I was attracting the unsavory type until recently.


First, there was a gal I met through work. She seemed nice enough. I will call her Helga.  We planned to spend some time on Sunday together over coffee. It was a hot day and we decided to beat the heat. This turned into me gathering my pups and driving us out to the river. Cassie swam and barked after the geese while Merlin howled on the shore because he was too much of a weenie to get into the water. Eventually, he gave up and stole bread from the children feeding the ducks and geese. True story.


On the same day as our outing, Helga decided she wanted a dog and insisted we head out to the Humane Society. She scoured the site for dogs she was interested in as I drove, attempting to navigate my way through unfamiliar territory. She seemed impulsive, flighty even, in her decisions. There was an underlying madness to her. Sure, I've run into people like her in my lifetime before - but I had to pay admission.


Upon arriving at the Humane Society, Helga immediately saw several dogs that peaked her fancy. I tried to explain to her that she could not just simply take the dog out, she had to go talk to the administrative staff in the front. The ever impatient and impulsive Helga (ID comes to mind now that I think of it), refused to listen to me and instead attempted to assault the first staff worker she saw. Helga was told by the staff worker that she had to talk to the administrative staff at the front.


This process was repeated 4 times before Helga decided to place a hold on a dog. We drove back to my house so she could pick up her car. I received a text the next day indicating that she got a puppy and I should bring Cassie and Merlin over to see it. This is where her behavior started to make me angry.

I arrive at her place with my dogs in tow. Helga is sitting on the steps of her house with a puppy in her lap freaking out because the pup she purchased from Craigslist has fleas . . . this doesn't surprise me one bit. As Helga goes back and forth from the seller of the pup over taking back the dog, I suggest that she look up a natural remedy for flea removal. By this time, the vet offices were closed that nothing could be done for wee little pup. Helga intended to keep the dog chained outside to her front porch. I think not.


As I assist Helga in giving the pup a lavender bath and spend the next two hours picking fleas off of the poor little darling, I ask Helga if she's fed the dog. Helga says she bought the dog Greenies and intended to give it cat food. Also not happening. I search through my car and give the pup the only wholesome dog biscuit I could find so she wouldn't starve. I also learn at this time that Helga has locked her boyfriend's cat in a room with nothing but his litter box, food and water for the week while her boyfriend is gone because she hates the cat. Helga also claimed she would not clean the litter box.


I leave late that night, considering what to do about the puppy. It's not Helga that I care to be entangled with at the moment, but I refuse to let an animal suffer if I can keep it from a stupid and neglectful owner. The next morning, I receive a text from Helga saying that she sold the puppy and was SO happy about it. She had the poor little darling for less than 12 hours.


I was relieved that puppy went on to greener and more sane pastures. I left for the weekend to go camping. I received a picture text from Helga that weekend showing me her new puppy . . . the crazy bitch got another one. May God have mercy on its poor, furry soul.


Then there's Jeb. I give him that name because it is reminiscent of white trash and this may very well be where he's sprung from. I took a psychology class with Jeb in the spring term. I don't know why, but many of the craziest folks I've ever met emerge from the depths of the psychology department. This makes worry sometimes if I'm heading in the right direction.

Jeb and I would have the occasional drink after class where we'd stuff our faces with bad bar food and shoot the breeze. Jeb and I eventually re-connected when we were done with summer term. I was still reeling with emotions of self hatred from an unfortunate event in my life. Jeb's form of medication was to get me drunk off my ass and continuously call me 'Darlin' . . . I don't think this works well. Jeb got scary very quickly. It sounded to me as if he were putting himself out there as a hit man. Perhaps I misheard him. I hope I misheard him.


Then the subject of Africa comes up. Jeb tells me he's tired of hearing about dumb American's going to Africa and thinking that no one can touch them because of their nationality. I can't remember exactly what else he said to me, but I do know that it upset me very greatly and I cried about it for hours. I called a friend who calmed me down, telling me that even if I never get to Congo, the desire to want to go is a noble one and I should be commended. I later wound up in a pagan shop after the phone ending my phone call with my friend.

This country and these women will always have a place in my heart. These women are so strong, and so beautiful because of their strength. 

I recently received a text from Jeb, over a month after he left me balling my eyes out. He said he was sorry about what he said about Africa and that he cares about me and gets protective. What? How can you care about someone you barely know? Also, if he were that protective he would be here with me, helping me regain my self respect.


I reconnected with some childhood friends on facebook. One of which I dated in high school. He's now a cage fighter. This doesn't surprise me. Over the process of our exchange of e-mails and catching up, I learn that he and his wife have divorced. Upon learning this, I ask Mr. Cage Fighter if I can call him. My intentions were to see if he was okay. I sent him a text, he said it was all 'same shit different day.' Umm . . . . okay. I know we all process things differently. Five minutes later, I receive a text of his chiseled abs and he tells me I'm sexy. I'm not impressed.


There are other areas of madness in my life, but if I spoke of each one in detail this would go on forever. I'm trying to regain my footing. 

Douche Baggery

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others." ~ Benjamin Franklin

This is yet another tale from a chapter in my crazy life. I realized long ago that I have a knack for attracting the odd, inconsiderate, obsessed and self absorbed . . . it must be a gift. I do have some fabulous folks in my life and they are very dear to me. When I think about the 'colorful' people that cross my path on what feels like a daily basis, I am grateful to have such great friends that bring a sense of normalcy to all of the chaos.

I had a recent encounter (several actually) with one who can be considered a vegan douche bag. A vegan douche bag is a vegan who alienates others for not being vegan or not strict enough of a vegan and takes a sickening pleasure in pointing out that something isn't vegan. Vegan douche bags typically enjoy smelling their own farts because they are so smug.

I haven't met many vegans. I do have a cousin who is a vegan, and I love her dearly. Aside from her, the other vegans I've met are self-righteous douche bags. If vegans care about animal rights, support local farmers and eat healthy, why is it that they are consistently such royal pricks (my cousin excluded, of course)? I think the answer is simple - vegan douche bags are completely out of touch with normal people. In order to get a meal that suits their requirements, they will either eat at a vegan restaurant or shop at vegan specialty stores. As a result, these douche bags spend far too much time with other douche bags and the douche baggery acts as a contagious fanaticism that gives one the feeling of superiority over others . . . because obviously they care more about the environment than a meat eater ever could and their actions are more humane, despite how they treat others on a daily basis.

I myself have been a vegetarian for many years. I limit my dairy intake because I'm semi lactose intolerant . . . . and sometimes I cheat on these two things. On rare occasions I eat sushi and will from time to time eat dairy. However, even if I lived this lifestyle in the strictest sense, I would never presume to tell anyone what they should consume, what a horrible thing it is their doing, etc. If one asks me why I don't eat meat, I tell them it's because I think all living creatures should be treated humanely. End of story. I never say anything more than that. Fanaticism in any form is never a good thing, whether it be lifestyle choices, religion, morals, or anything else that is a personal choice or way of life. Things start to decline pretty rapidly when we start to think we're superior to others.

Now onto my story. I met the vegan douche bag a several weeks ago. Vegan douche bag seemed harmless. He had just broke his foot before I met him in person. I knew there wasn't any possible way under the sun that he could physically harm me.  In fact, if he made the wrong move, I intended to step on his foot and run. This was a foolproof plan. What do I do for our first meeting? From talking to him in our brief encounters, it sounded like he was having a rough week. I offered to make him dinner while simultaneously threatening the sanctity of his broken foot should he try anything.

He seemed down to earth, a vegan, an animal lover, open minded and the creative type. Word. I've learned however, that people present themselves quite differently than they really are when initial friendships or some form of relationship is being established. This is something I don't quite understand yet. I've always been an honest and open person. 

I think the evening went well. We chatted while I cooked and then watched a comedy sketch. Thus began a friendship that lasted a little over a two months. Because vegan douche bag had recently broke his foot and had no vehicle of his own, I offered to help him get to class. As a fellow college student, I felt it somewhat of a duty to help another psych major in need. VDB is taking courses at one of Portland's man community colleges and wants to work the GLBTQ community.

Driving him to and from his campus was a whole other thing entirely. I go to PSU in SW. Vegan douche bag lives on the other side of the river and goes to campus in yet another section of town (about a 15 minute drive from his house). This turned out to be a heavy load of driving. In fact, within less than a week's time, I had put 76 miles on my car. I rarely drive my car. 

As it turns out, this didn't just include driving him to and from campus. He needed stops at the grocery store and several outings to find the perfect get up for a vegan prom. I didn't know that events such as this exist, but this is Portland after all. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because I just marched in the first annual Slut Walk.

Vegan douche bag talked to me a lot about his relationships. He's had many. In fact, I'd say he's a bit of a man whore. When I first started hanging out with VDB, he talked about a couple of other gals quite a bit. He didn't say that he was sleeping around with them, but I think I'm smart enough to put two and two together. This later came up in conversation. He seemed surprised that I'd figured out it. Not only did VDB say that he was the 'perfect boyfriend', he also said he has the 'perfect cock'. His exact words, not mine. Umm . . . . why would I care if you have a rooster?

For the record. THIS is the perfect cock. 

The fact that there were other gals in the picture didn't bother me. I didn't want a relationship, only a friend. I ended up not liking what I learned from him and this is sometimes how it goes. He mentioned many of his relationships. I commented that out of my handful of relationships there's only been one that I've ever loved. VDB looks at me with an odd expression in his eyes, "And you walked away?" Considering the circumstances, I think I had to. You can't judge someone without knowing the whole story. On that note, there are two sides to every story, and this is mine.

It starts with his outing to the vegan prom. VDB tells me that he's going out with a group of people he hasn't met before and a gal who is to be his date was heading over to his place to get ready and they would leave together. I went off to a movie screening for 'Happy'. If you have not yet seen this documentary go do so immediately. This is one amazing film. At any rate, I receive a text around 9:30 from VDB asking me to come over right away. I gathered that something really awful had happened, as he was supposed to be living it up doing whatever it is that vegans do at a prom.

I showed up maybe half an hour later and wasn't prepared for what awaited me. VDB was in a fury. He kept going on and on about how he felt 'disrespected' and 'lied to.' The cause for this douche baggery kind of rage? His date was transgendered. She had had the full blown operation. When she broke the news to VDB, he decided he couldn't handle it and didn't want to go to the vegan prom with her. He left her at the bus stop.

As the vegan douche bag continued to carry on about how disrespected he was by this whole scenario, I said this, "Isn't this the line of work you're going into?" I thought it was a legitimate question. VDB took offense to this. I then spent the next half hour assuring him that I wasn't being condescending, I was only trying to understand where he was coming from. To be honest, I still don't understand his point of view.  

Then there were other things that slowly grated on my nerves. Eventually, I realized I just couldn't handle any more of his antics. I told myself that I should be patient and understanding because he was going through a difficult and frustrating time. No doubt nearly going on a date with a transgender left a very deep scar on his psyche. I don't think this can excuse douche bag behavior. I've been going through one hell of a time myself and I've never taken it out on anyone and I never for one instant think that my pain is unique. There are always things in life to be grateful for. Always.

VDB took an odd pleasure in pointing out things that I consumed or purchased that weren't vegan. Soy cheese? "Oh, look. It's got milk protein. It's not vegan." Feather earrings: "When did you buy them? Oh, it was a while ago, so it's okay." Soy caramel macchiato? "That caramel sauce has dairy." There was even a time I reached for a splenda for my tea. His response, "Splenda is bad for you." For the love of all that is sacred and holy! I do what I can. End of story. If I have feather earrings that I like to wear, I'm sure as heck going to wear them. In fact, I may even wear them to a vegan prom just to make a point.

Recycling? This is one that really got me. An excessive recycler, VDB reused damn near everything. I don't see anything wrong with this; in fact, I think it's quite admirable. This is something that I only find bothersome when someone steps into douche bag territory. VDB is a fan of Starbucks.  He reuses his plastic venti cold cups. What makes more sense to me is purchasing a reusable cup in the first place and reusing that one over and over. Not VDB; he has a small collection of these wretched plastic cups. We had stopped at Starbucks and then went to the park. I finished my dairy infused caramel macchiato with soy and went to the nearest trash receptacle to toss my cup. VDB looks at me in disgust, "Isn't that recyclable?" I peer at the cup and can't find a recycle symbol on it and then I reply to his question with a 'no.' VDB then says, "Well, just remember you're contributing to the landfill."

Does anyone know where I can find this product? 

REALLY? The fact that I was hauling your arse around to hell and back, filling up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on exhaust, get cancer and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we all slowly die from internal bleeding was not a concern for you, but this one plastic cup is a problem? I think there is a double standard here and I do not like it.

I had a dinner at my house last week. I asked VDB if he wished to join us. It was a thank you for the most awesome TA I've ever met. She's given me so much support. I don't know what I'd do without her. It would have been lovely, but VDB let out his douche baggery in full swing. I didn't hear most of the conversation because I was busy cooking, but I could gather that he was being a buzz kill. It's one thing to be a douche bag to me, but be a douche bag to my friends and family is another thing entirely. I will then save all of your sins against you and blog about them for the world to see. Luckily for the douche bags of the world that I'm not spiteful enough to include names in my antics.

*On a side note, while at my home, I learn that the vegan doesn't care for dogs. How can a self proclaimed animal lover not like dogs? Particularly my dogs. Not to brag, but my two furry ones have won over even the harshest critics. The vegan doesn't like my dogs. He thinks they're smelly and drool. This is true, they are dogs and dogs do have these traits. I love them regardless.*

His douche baggery didn't stop there, either. Here are a couple more snippets from my encounters with the fanatic douche bag. During the process of the brief time I knew him, VDB informs me that his very good friend suddenly died in a car accident. I'm not making light of this. I think it's horrible and I wouldn't wish this kind of thing on anyone. This was all he talked about for weeks. I for one, have experienced so much death in my life that I fear I'm numb to it. I literally have no reaction at all. I listened to what he had to say. I couldn't say anything in response, because I didn't feel any of my words could be uplifting, particularly considering the emotions I was trying to sort out from recent events. VDB then says to me one day, "I don't know if you've ever experienced loss before, but you can't imagine . . . " I quite literally wanted to slap him across the face. He knew that I'd lost a good deal of those close to me at a young age. I think that's an inconsiderate thing to say to anyone,  particularly someone with life experiences such as mine. Again, I don't pretend that my pain is unique, but I do understand what it feels like to lose and grieve.

VDB wanted me to talk about an assault that occurred a while ago, but recent enough for me to still be in the midst of processing everything, trying to make sense of it, and moving on. I honestly wasn't ready for it, but I tried because I figured he was trying to help me. While I reeling from waves of nausea from even letting this unfortunate event cross my mind, VDB says, "You know, you should take back what's yours and just have sex." One can only assume that he meant my sexuality. I have news for you VDB, my sexuality is my own and I'll move on when I'm damn well ready. For now, no one touches me without permission.

Our brief friendship came to a crashing halt when he began to take everything I say far too personally and for no good reason. VDB got a new roommate. She's from Boston. According to VDB, he knows her really well . . . although he only spoke with her online and never met her in person before she arrived. When she arrived, she came with a guy who helped her move in. This really seemed to bother VDB. He was obsessed with his roommate's relationship with this guy. In fact, it's all he talked about. He continued to rant about it one morning while I'm driving and he's in the passenger seat. I say that I just assumed he was interested in her because he was so concerned about her relationship with this guy. VDB is irate. He tells me I can't assume things because it breaks down communication. As it turns out, if I had asked this in a question form, all would be fine in his mind and it really boils down to an issue of semantics.

I could care less who he's interested in. It seemed like the natural conclusion to make in reference to his new roommate  I remember telling VDB that I was meeting up with an old friend for coffee. The first thing that pops out of his mouth is this, "Are you going to sleep together?" I'm not one to be easily offended, but now that I reflect on that scenario, I think I should have been. I'm learning from these experiences; I guess that's all I can ask.

This brings me to the final and last straw. This was the same day I learned that caramel sauce contains dairy and I am a dirty sinner because I didn't recycle one plastic cup. VDB and I stopped and Starbucks and went to the park. After which he wanted to stop off at the bank. He sees a smoke shop next door and wants to look around, then another shop across the street. I'm really not in the mood for any of this, but I'm tagging along because I figured he needed company and needed to be out of his apartment because he didn't seem to care for his new roommate, her boyfriend who stayed for a few days, or anything else in his life.

We make a stop at New Season's. On our way in, we pass a girl juggling on the street for money. She drops and fumbles with her items as we pass by. VDB then remarks, "I think I distracted her." While we're in the store, VDB looks at me and says, "You must be bored out of your mind." I smile and say, "It's no big deal. You have things to do and I have a car." I really didn't mean anything by this. He gets angry with me again saying that I'm assuming he only wants to hang out with me because I have a car. Quite frankly, the thought hadn't crossed my mind until he responded to me with his channeled fury of which I was beginning to grow quite tired. 

This was my breaking point. I rarely get angry and I can't even recall a time when I cussed at another human being out of anger. I told him that he was getting mad over the most stupid f*cking things and he needed to stop. VDB said nothing. He continued walking. We exit the store, I'm walking ahead of him because I can't stand to look at his douche bag face at the moment. He leaves a dollar with the juggling girl and catches up with me.

We then get to my car. He leaves the door open and his foot hanging out. He insists he's done nothing wrong. I tell him to close the door because he's draining the overhead light and I'm ready to leave. I drive him home. He says he's trying to talk to me. I tell him that's not happening and I head home.

Tonight, I received a text from VDB saying he's sorry and we should move past this. I tell him I don't think so. I've got enough on my hands and don't need or want any unnecessary drama in my life. He then responds with this, "I sort of predicted your reaction." Who's assuming now, douche bag?

I think this is only driving the point home that I'm not ready for the dating world whatsoever. Even if it's just hanging out, meeting up for coffee and going to the park while I simultaneously burn a hole in the ozone layer because of the mileage I'm driving. I can't handle this - I have to reconnect with myself first.

I remember thinking when VDB reacted so hotly to the situation with the transgender that he was a dramatic douche bag, but kept telling myself that he needed someone with patience and understanding to help him through his tough time. No, what really happened is that my intuition was correct and I shut it out. When I finally learn to listen to myself perhaps I'll dip my toe back into the water. For now, I'm staying away from the pond.

"Your mind knows only some things. Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything. If you listen to what you know instinctively, it will always lead you down the right path." ~ Henry Winkler

Best Buy, Geek Squad and the Cleavage of the Irish Lass

When I went to an on campus university for the first time, as opposed to a community college or online courses, my adoptive folks were stoked. So stoked, in fact, that they purchased a laptop to help me get started in the world of academia. This laptop was a student edition that Dell put out, and I happened to get the last one with the candy apple red cover (score!). This pretty little device was purchased about a month before the term started. I was quite busy during my last days of freedom and didn't even open the box for a couple of weeks. When I finally did get around to starting up my new laptop, I noted it had a major problem: it would not charge while it was on. The suckers had to be completely powered off with the laptop closed in order for the battery to charge.

Of course, I immediately went to Best Buy. Because I had purchased an extended warranty plan, I didn't see this as being an issue at all. Imagine my dismay when I was told that because it had been over 14 days, I wasn't able to return the computer. I could hand it over to them for repairs and I would get it back . . . . in three weeks. I went home instead, without turning my computer over to the Geek Squad.

I have no charm and couldn't argue myself out of a corner to save myself. I'm not good at being the sneaky, lying type either. Ever want to glean information from someone in order to surprise them with a party or gift? I'm the WRONG person for the job. My point being that I'm have no charm or manipulation skills . . . this doesn't get me very far in this world. 

I eventually returned to Best Buy with a small army: my adoptive father and brother. Anyone that knows these two men knows that they always manage to get what they want out of others. Whether it be charm, manipulation or the power of persuasion, these are the guys you want backing you up when you need something done. I watched in awe as Jeffe and brother verbally attacked the group of men, standing united behind the counter. Jeffe told them I use my laptop for school and work. The Geek Squad's response? "There are computers on campus." I'm not a mean person, but I felt like punching this guy in the mouth. True story. Really? While the Geek Squad still wouldn't return my laptop, Jeffe managed to talk them into giving me a loaner, something Best Buy simply doesn't do.

After two weeks, the loaner was exchanged for my Dell laptop. The problem was not resolved. It had the exact same issue. What on earth was the Geek Squad up to for two weeks?

I even tried customer support. I found a representative half way across the world much more interested in my problem and far more accommodating than the men right here in the good old U S of A. While my issue was still not resolved, I appreciated that someone made an honest effort to fix my problem. 

Rather than return the computer right away, my adoptive mother decided to step in. She happens to be one of the higher ups of the institution I attend. Currently, this institution contracts Dell as its major computer supplier. My adoptive mother talks to her Dell representative and tells him all about my brand new laptop that has given me nothing but grief. My mother then went on to say that she may need to reconsider signing a new contract with Dell. Dells response? A tech was sent to my house right away. Within an hour, the problem was resolved. 

The laptop was working fine for a while. I managed to spill wine on it. While it was still working just fine, the screen was dyed red. I took it in again and expected a battle. It was summer and I was wearing one of my slinky dresses that showed off my figure (cleavage included). I was quite literally amazed at how responsive these guys were to my needs this time around. I walked to my car in a stupor. Really? They cared about the customer? Then I realized what I was wearing and realized they were hypnotized by my awesome boobage.

* DISCLAIMER: This is not my cleavage. 1) I wouldn't show it to the world. 2) The world couldn't handle it. 

Over the span of the following year, I noticed several other things wrong with the laptop: its persistent slowness despite my efforts to resolve it with software, buttons breaking, the AC adapter loosening once again (it had happened three times already), connectivity issues, a charging problem and a horrid cracking sound the laptop would make every time I opened and shut it. I hate to admit it, but I was far too dependent on the laptop to send it in for repairs for another two weeks.I had to have it for school and I had to have it for work as well. Granted, I do have a desk top that can get the job done. It's also a Dell. It's ancient and slow . . . but it is allowed to be this way because it is ancient. I've had it in my life for going on 8 years now. 

When the laptop started freezing on me, I had finally had enough. I notified my employer that I'd have to work from home on my slower computer and took the thing in. This time I was prepared for their antics. I realized my secret weapon and I intended to use it. I have a lovely outfit. It's a pin skirt with a polka dot top. It's very reminiscent of the 1920s, fits me like a glove and shows off my cleavage (now known as my secret weapon). While I won't post a picture of my assets or my awesome outfit, I'll give you some other eye candy. She's quite lovely, I think: 

When I grow up, I want to look just like her :-)

The Geek Squad guy behind the counter couldn't take his eyes off of me . . . I knew I'd see victory soon. I innocently leaned over the counter, pouring my cleavage onto it and asked him if there was anything he could do for my worn out laptop. He told me it was time for a new one. He'd send it in. Best Buy has somewhat of a 'three strikes' law when it comes to their laptops. If it comes in for the same issue three times, it's considered a lemon and will be replaced. While I had definitely graced these floors many times, this was not my third time coming in for the same issue. 

I left as sweetly as I came, being sure to sway my hips just a tad bit more on my way out smiling as I did so. The male staff smiled and gawked in return. I clenched my jaw the second I arrived in the parking lot. I wanted to take off my super uncomfortable by extremely sexy high heel and chuck it at their glass door entryway. I managed to maintain my cool. I thought, "Fine. Go ahead and objectify me. I'm still winning and you're doing my bidding . . . . fools." 

Not a week had gone by that I received an e-mail from Best Buy notifying me that I was to call their corporate office: it was determined that my laptop was a lemon and I would get a brand new one. I again made the drive to Best Buy, armed with my secret weapon once again. This outfit wasn't quite so racy, but caused them to gawk just the same (fools). 

I type to you now on my brand new laptop. It's not a Dell. I think Dell has lost my business forever. As for Best Buy and the Geek Squad, they should seriously reconsider their current policies when it comes to their 'lemon' laptops. For now I know that all I have to do is flaunt my gals. I've never been one to use my looks to my advantage - but I now know that I am capable of doing so and will fall back on that as long as I can. I figure beauty is a fleeting thing and I should be able to use it to my advantage now - particularly when it comes to the shenanigans of the Geek Squad. 

More of the Healing Process: The Battle with the Demon Spiders

" I believe that in the end the truth will conquer." ~John Wycliffe

I had the second bath in the spiritual healing process.



Before the bath that night, I thought I’d spend some time in meditation and relaxing before I left myself vulnerable to the spiritual world once again. I saw my mother’s head floating in the darkness during my meditation. Her hair split down the middle and formed two horns. Her mouth elongated into a sinister smirk and she grew fangs. You know how dogs twitch and snarl when they are dreaming of chasing something or fending off a predator? I was physically doing this with my mouth. I felt myself clenching my teeth, my lip curled and twitching – warning her with my physiological reactions that this was my space, not hers and she was to go away. I eventually fell asleep and woke up to my alarm.

I drew the bath as usual and immersed myself in the water. Again, I saw her floating head in demonized form and again my lip started snarling. She was then wearing a black mask, cape and hat. She was trying to rape me. The vividness of the experience scared me. I opened my eyes for a moment so it would stop. I then relaxed and closed my eyes again.

The first thing to greet me is her floating demonized head. I then see hundreds of them and notice they have small spider bodies – the body of a black widow. I’m now in the forest of my first vision. I’m running towards the river and am being chased by an army of millions of demonized black widow spiders. I stop at the bank of the river when I see fish jumping out of the water. The fish are piranha like with her demon head and are biting at me. They are swimming upstream, against the flow of water.

I tell the fish that they are only fighting it because they are afraid of what waits for them further down the river. They are not welcome here and they must leave. The fish swallow a few of the demon spiders and allow the water to carry them downstream. The spiders are surrounding me, getting ready to attack me. A very large Aztecan man pulls me up into his arms. He is so large that I feel like a child when he carries me. I see one of the spiders jump onto his back. I hiss at her, trying to scare her again and again I feel my lip twitching and snarling. She bites him and he falls to the ground on top of me and we both sink into the earth. I feel quite safe with him, although I don’t know what’s happening.

I’m now watching the same Aztecan man. He is on a high hill surrounded by grasslands and is worshipping the sunrise. I see a white wolf looking at me and my spirit enters her. On a side note here, I’d like to mention that having a wolf as a spirit guide and animal is an honor. She is vicious and protective. To see a white wolf REALLY means business. The white wolf symbolizes victory and conquering.

Once again, I feel myself in river water. The Aztecan people are dunking me in, trying to remove one of the two smudges I have on the left side of my forehead. It doesn’t seem to be working. A very tall Native American woman walks up; she is dressed in a wolf skin which she wears as a cape, so that the wolf’s head is on top of hers like a hood. The white wolf is with her.

The Native woman lays me down on the bank of the river. She reaches for the smudge on my forehead and begins to squeeze. From this smudge emerge thousands of the demon spiders which seem to continue for a long time. Followed by the spiders are Lenora, her two daughters and a lot of pus.

The process seems to have emptied me, as if my entire body was filled with an infection of demon spiders. The Native woman breathes her breath into the hole in my forehead and alternately fills it with water from the river until my body has consistency once again. She plugs the hole in my forehead with mud earth from the river bank. My spirit again goes into the white wolf, which walks side by side with the Native woman back into the forest, away from the river.

I’ve discussed these visions I've had with a friend. We are both wondering what the indigenous may represent to me: a past life? An instinctual way to life that I’m constantly fighting? To be honest, if I had my way I’d do nothing but play in the woods all day. My friend thinks that this may be related to finding my tribe or my niche in life.

Namaste.

Moving Forward

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. ~ Hermann Hesse

I had really hoped to turn in early tonight, but I’ve learned to listen to myself and the thoughts must come out!

Firstly, I have an important and exciting announcement. For once I’ve let someone else in: I’ve come clean to my mother about all of the things I’ve been internalizing and holding back – including the anger harbored towards her for some time, my failed suicide attempt and thoughts on my future in general. We connected on a deeper level. Our relationship has been a bit of a challenge at times, as she adopted me a little of a year ago when I was 25 and I think mother and daughter are still working on getting to know one another; not to mention she has a full grown daughter who’s been dealing with some tough issues over the last several years. We are both learning to compromise, communicate and understand one another. Tonight we accomplished all three. Woot!

In other news, I had intended to save it, but I just can’t help myself. My psychic has given me oil to put in a bathtub. I did my first bath last Saturday around midnight. Why midnight? This symbolically represents the end and beginning of something, rebirth, and is also when the natural forces are the strongest – think of the growing and waning of the moon.

I was instructed to firstly not talk about the process until it’s complete, but I think this is too exciting to keep to myself for the next three weeks. 9 drops of the solution are put into the bathtub and the water is then mixed counterclockwise with the left hand 9 times. There are many symbolic aspects of these instructions. I was told I must stay immerse in the water for fifteen minutes, then stand up, say to the Universe that I realize the negativity that has bound me and I send it back to my afflicter.

This is exactly what I did, and I now share with you the images I saw while meditating in the water. For me, it has all been symbolic of me letting go, breaking away and becoming a new person. Here’s what I saw:

First I saw myself in a womb. I wasn’t a fetus; I was full grown, as I am now. I think this is symbolic of being enveloped by the Earth Mother.

The next image I saw was me as an empty shell above the earth . . similar to the skin left behind by a bug. Everything around me was desolate: the tree, the earth, the sky was ominous in appearance. I crawled up through the rich soil lying beneath the empty shell and touched her; she shattered into a million pieces. Perhaps this is what I was: an empty shell ready to break at any moment.

I then saw Aaron standing above me. He was trying to choke me. I told him he’d never touch me again. Seeing him is symbolic of him choking my spirit because I allowed him to have too much of a hold on me.

Lastly, I saw many versions of myself, all in the form of Mayans. They were dancing around a fire. Near the fire was Aaron, Lenora, Frank, Tamara and Joy. They glared at the many versions of me with anger in their eyes and the versions of myself continued to dance around them.

I was then submerged in water, filthy and covered in muck. The other Mayan versions  of myself started to gently scrub me until all of the soot had worn away and drifted away downstream.

I stood up in the tub and said I released myself from all of the negativity and anger and sent it back to Aaron. I told him that he and his family would no longer have any hold whatsoever on me. I released myself from his touch, his stares and his tongue that both lied and touched me and sent it back to him.

I then lay in the tub for a while until the water began to get too cold for my liking. In my mind, I heard a plane go by and felt a moment of familiar nostalgia . . . looking up as a little girl on the front lawn of my house surrounded by sunshine – before anything sad had ever come into my life. 

The Three Veils

I am you; you are me. You are the waves; I am the ocean. Know this and be free – be divine. ~Sri Sathya Sai Baba

I had really hoped to write about this amazing experience while it was still fresh in my mind – but unfortunately caught what seem to be the seven plagues of Egypt breeding in the back of my throat. The good news is that it looks as though I’m on the mend, I just have to remember to tone things down a notch or two as this is usually my undoing.

I was out with my friend, Ethan, on Monday (when this blasted sickness started) doing nothing in particular. On a whim, we decided to go see a psychic. I’ve always wanted to try it once in life – but these things are never as memorable unless you’ve got someone to share the experience with.

Many people view this kind of thing as hokey. I’ve never viewed it in this light. I think we all have the potential of seeing deeper than what is right in front of us. This exists in many cultures and religions; they are known as prophets, shamans, seers and psychics. I have had my own experiences with the spiritual realm – generally a message regarding something very emotionally connected to me. I’m a believer and not ashamed to admit it, nor do I feel the need to justify my beliefs or antics to anyone.

I let Ethan go first while I waited outside. I think about an hour went by before it was my turn. Ethan did a card reading. I asked for a psychic reading. I admit that I was a bit skeptical up until then. While I believe that some of us have a very distinct intuitiveness that others don’t possess, I also know that there are phonies in this world that seek to take advantage of others.

She took one look at me and asked me what happened when I was 15. At first I couldn’t look her in the eyes. The time in my life when I was 15 will possibly go down in history as the most miserable year in my life . . . there was a lot of trauma. I was sexually assaulted and had to live under the same roof as the bastard for several months without saying a word, I was abused, manipulated and told how unwanted I was. What she was referring to, however, was the assault. I’ve carried around anger and resentment for years and am only now beginning to learn to let go. The psychic (her name is Janey) told me that this is one of three veils that I have to let go before I can feel whole again. She sees my left side (the feminine side) as almost dead due to the abuse and trauma I’ve experienced over the years.

Janey asked what happened to the money I was supposed to inherit. I explained that my step grandfather had remarried after my grandmother’s death. Before meeting his new wife, he had set SSI income that he was receiving from my father’s death aside for me. When he married his new wife, she squandered everything. The money factor ended up being a curse in my eyes because I wasn’t wanted unless that was part of the package.

Among some other things, Janey knew that I’m a writer, animal lover and outdoor enthusiast. I don’t think anyone would know that without talking to me for an extended period of time or being a friend. Janey also knew that I have a deeper intuition than most as well: I see things in my dreams. Of course, this is a trait I haven’t worked on developing and it’s something that only comes about when someone or something I really care about is going to be affected.

I made another appointment to see Janey again. She will be working with me towards spiritual healing and I have a hunch I’ll get more from this experience than I’ve ever received from therapy. I feel as though I’ve made huge leaps in progress because for once I’m focusing on my own well being instead of trying to ease the world around me.

 I’ll make updates as they come. I’ve been set back a little already due to an unforeseen illness (thank you, Ethan). 

Of Masks and Men

Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before. ~ James Buckham

Throughout most of my life, I’ve run from adversity and conflict of any sort. I’d hide my true self from others, allowing them to create an image of what I should be in their own mind. I was often shunned for my beliefs and way of thinking that tended to be different. I’ve always been different. Consequently, I always saw myself as the problem. I’m not sure if pretending to be something I wasn’t was some sort of evolutionary survival method, or that I was made to feel ashamed for my nonconformist attitude. Either way, I wore a mask that was not my own for many years. In fact, I wore several.

I’m not sure when exactly I decided I needed to set my foot down, but at some point I did. I feel like the entire world would oppress me if I’d let it . . . but I’m not going to. My family has come to terms with my oddities of smudging and love of the Earth Mother. At first, I was told that it was only a psychological thing. My philosophy is ‘whatever works’. Don’t rain on my parade!

Again I address the topic of men. As mentioned in my previous blog, I’ve had a knack for attracting the wrong type. It’s not that they were evil, or bad in all aspects; I think I could find a trait to love in just about anybody. My free spirit is usually what attracts people to me. Perhaps they thought I was what they wanted and that turned out to not be the case. Regardless, I feel as if they made every attempt to snuff the life out of me.

With that in mind, I’ll be spending some time thinking about what I want in a significant other and hope that by doing so the right person will come along. If not, so be it. I’ve learned that we need to make our own happiness in this world.

Here’s my thoughts (requirements) thus far:

1 Must be a dog lover. I have two dogs of my own. Love me, love my dogs.

2 Be honest to me about who you are. I don’t like liars and I despise those that lie about their interests to catch my attention

3 Love outdoors. I have a deep connection to nature. This is where I find comfort, solace and can rejuvenate myself when I’m feeling worn down.

4 Mobility; be active. Be spontaneous because this is one of the greatest gifts in life.

5 Having traveled is a plus. I feel it is important to see other parts of the world, immerse in a different culture, and have meaningful experiences.

6 Generosity – not just towards me and not necessarily with tangible things (unless chocolate cake is involved). Share your thoughts and dreams with me.

7 Confidence, but not self absorbed – I think it’s important to be proud of what you do and your contribution to the world. However, thinking you’re better than everyone else is a turn off.

8 Motivation – have the desire to continue to grow. Stagnant water is bad for to drink, so is a stagnant lifestyle.

9 Patience – I want someone who can be patient with me and others in his life. 

10 The ability to laugh at yourself . . .  because I laugh at myself on a daily basis and it’s much more amusing when I have a partner in crime.

11 Dance outings and karaoke – Of course, I’m not set in stone. I like to have fun and don’t want a couch potato who not only refuses to go kayaking with me, but also refuses dancing and karaoke.

12 Smarts – impress me with your knowledge and challenge me to a game of chess!

13 I think looks fall into here somewhere. I’m still trying to decide exactly what physical aspects I like in the opposite sex. All I can say for now is that I know what I like when I see it.

14 Loving - love me for who I am and not what you'd like me to be. I have had so many cross my path that are attracted to my free spirit and fun loving nature only to try to change me and break me in the process. I will not stand for this. 

15 Bonus points if you're Irish!

16 - Don't treat me as an afterthought. I am worth more than that.
 

Do The Gods Laugh At Us?

Can we really choose who we fall in love with?

This is a question I'm asking myself now.

I’ve recently noticed a phenomenon among some of my friends. These gals are capable of loveless, emotionless, no strings attached sex. This concept is foreign to me. I’d like to think I don’t understand simply because I’m further evolved and therefore more separated from my animal ancestry as the loveless sex crowd. However, this is likely not the case and I’m just behind in the times – or an anomaly living among an ever changing society in which women are breaking free from the sexual constrains of the past.

Since beginning my journey in biology, anatomy, physiology and the like, I’ve learned a rather surprising fact (surprising to me at least). Hormones are involved in sex. Who knew?

Meet oxytocin , a hormone produced in both the male and female orgasm. It is often referred to as the “cuddle chemical” not only for its role between sexual partners, but also for the function it serves to bond mothers with their newborn babies.

Then there’s serotonin, which acts as an anti-depressant. Upon orgasm, the levels of serotonin receive a temporary boost. Phenylethylamine triggers the release of dopamine in the pleasure centers of the brain – the nucleus accumbens which is a collection of nerves found in the limbic system. A side note for ladies: dopamine is also found in chocolate.

Lastly, there’s adrenaline. We’ve all experienced the adrenaline rush – which easily explains the addiction to physical activity of any sort – from running, biking , skydiving to (you get the picture).  

The heart-flutters we feel for another could simply be an adrenaline rush wrapped in oxytocin.

In short, sex offers an emotional high. In fact, this release of chemical reactions begins before the act of sex occurs.

Ever seen someone that you felt you had to have right then and there? A basic animalistic instinct; perhaps we’re not that far evolved after all.

I bring this up only because sex is so often attached to love. Looking deeper, I’m now beginning to wonder if love is a real emotion or simply a series of chemical releases that takes place.

For as long as the written language has existed, writers, musicians and the like have paid homage to the concept of love. Love is transcendental and the pinnacle of human emotion. Love can lift hearts, bewitch minds, and break the boundaries of class and race.

It’s a complex emotion with extreme consequences. On one side, there is great joy; on the other, much pain. We entrust another with a very deep and guarded piece of ourselves. Perhaps this is both the greatest sacrifice and the greatest vulnerability. Some us feel the need to lose ourselves in another. Personally, I’d like to keep myself in tact; but I think the concept sounds nice.

I’ve heard love described as two types: a bonfire and a fireplace fire. Both are equally pleasing, but very different. Bonfires are exciting, but can quickly burn out of control and a fireplace fire can be contained. If you find yourself in a bonfire type situation, one must question if it is love, infatuation or lust.

It’s also not uncommon for people to fall out of love. Really? I didn’t know we were capable of pulling ourselves up from the bottomless abyss. What happens? Do our internal chemicals finally run out and we see the other person standing before us for the first time as they really are? Do we simply make a choice to move on because something else catches our eye?

What's Been Torn Away

This is my first online entry. It was composed when I was going through a rather nasty breakup while immersed in an intense and accelerated science curriculum (July 2010). When I finally came to my senses and was done beating myself up, I turned to the one thing that always comforts me: writing. 

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. ~ Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

I think I'm done keeping my silence.

Over the span of the last several weeks, I think I've experienced every emotion possible; it's been a roller coaster, to say the least. I pulled through it and came out stronger on the other side - I always do. While in the middle of crawling through my own personal dark tunnel, however, I couldn't see the light at the end no matter how hard I strained to see it or how often I changed the direction of my gaze.

During this period, I felt several times as if I had reached my breaking point. It was as if I had absolutely nowhere and no one to turn to in many aspects. Everything else had quite literally been shaken away - and through this experience I have discovered the few that are genuine in my life.

There comes a point when all that one can do is cry - whether it be minutes, hours, days or weeks. When I had finally let the pain I was feeling leave me, I was able to look at the world around me through a fresh set of eyes. This experience has awarded me with a new insight to my own surroundings. I've discovered that nature is perfect, joyous, fascinating and possibly the best healer to be found. Mother Earth has always been this way - I don't think I ever truly saw her until now.


I've learned that humanity is fallible, cruel and unforgiving . . . not that I'm going to lock myself away in some remote cave - I only feel that I will forever be detached from those around me. If I'm honest with myself, I think it's safe to say that I've been this way from childhood - I just never cared to admit it.

I've come to realize that I am as I should be in mind and spirit; those that do not like it aren't worth my time and have no place in my life. Now that I think of it, I can't imagine why someone would want to change me in the first place.

It's a petty thing - to let other's control my life because I'm so concerned by how they will perceive me and honestly I don't think they deserve that kind of power over me; I don't intend to give it to them. My intentions are merely to live my life as I see fit while embracing my unique qualities that others either envy or despise about me.

That's all for now.

Namaste