Mr. Tanguero

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” – Mark Twain 

While compiling my last blog, I was simultaneously in the midst of a conflict with Mr. Tanguero. I was hoping for the best outcome, I truly was – but it didn’t happen. Pity. I was just starting to warm up to him.

He called me just before class. I had previously left him a voicemail asking him if he wanted to spend a little bit of time with me on two specified days of the week. With midterms approaching, I just don’t have much free time on my hands, and it is sporadic at best. In fact, I should be studying for an exam tomorrow instead of typing these words – but I know my thoughts will plague me until I get them out.

The first thing Mr. Tanguero does after greeting me on the phone is ask if I was the one who fell at the milonga last Sunday. Someone did fall, but it wasn’t me. He responded thusly, “Okay. I’ll spread the word.” What the hell?  I know tango can be cliquish and exclusive, but this came across to me as borderline gossip and rumor spreading – and this is the sort of thing that really gets under my skin. He then proceeds to chide me for ‘not putting as much effort into practicas as I do milongas’. I know I’m still bad at tango. I know I should practice. Here is what’s currently preventing me from doing so: 1. I have only such much time and money. Perhaps if I had time for a real job during my last term of college I could afford to fund practicas and the time to put a decent effort into it. For now, I only work to barely scrape by because I have a demanding course load 2. I don’t have anyone to practice with. Mr. Tanguero asked if I wanted to be his practice partner – we only practiced once. 3. I spent my first three months of tango as a lead - I am now only just learning to follow. On another note, I have much respect for the leads, because it is difficult and challenging. For the record, I wasn't a very good lead. 

Despite my poor form and many flaws, I've thoroughly enjoyed every dance. I can only hope my leads feel the same way. 

I ended the phone call as class was starting. It was a review night for an exam. I was still processing the conversation we had. I felt like Mr. Tanguero was playing into the cliquish nature of tango, clinging to an imaginary or existing status from which to nit-pick at my form, the fall that didn’t involve me, and my need to practice more. I sent him a message telling him I was annoyed with the rumor spreading aspect of tango that I’ve seen on more than one occasion and asked why he was playing a part in that. I pointed to the fact that I never mention names in my blogs and my reason for this is that it can lead to rumors and a malicious outcome. I just don’t see the purpose because nothing good can come from it.

He responds that if communicating with me would ‘trigger such feelings, it’s best not to go there. I do not care to deal with such issues.’ This took me by surprise. Obviously something I said had upset him. I sent another message and did what I always do: take the blame for everything by apologizing profusely for something that’s out of my control. I apologized, but still stood my ground. I do not believe in participating in gossip because it’s juvenile and cruel. His last response indicated more anger. From my perspective, my message was not being received as intended. I wanted to clear this up.

I leave the class exam review to call him. He is hostile with me. There were f-bombs all over the place, name calling and he said I was far ‘too thinned skinned and his day was great until now' and a good dose of 'You. You. You'. Ouch. This is not how conflict should be handled. Again, I apologize – still not knowing what I said to set him off. Because his anger was so intense, I made a point of using nothing but owned messages. After twenty minutes of verbal abuse I had to tell him I needed to return to class. I simply couldn’t take any more.

That's what it felt like: you. You. YOU!!!!

“It is wise to direct your anger towards problems – not people; to focus your energies on answers – not excuses.” – William Arthur Ward

When class was over and I had time to calm down (his consistent verbal negativity brought me to the point of tears) I called him. Again doing what I do best – apologizing for something that really wasn’t my issue to begin with. He was calmer. He said we were both sensitive. Both of us?, I thought to myself. I think not. I can’t recall a time that I verbally attacked someone unprovoked and for no apparent reason whatsoever. Still, I thought this situation could be fixed. I asked him about the two days I had available. He declined last minute on one of them and told me beforehand that he was attending a practica with someone. He didn’t mention who that ‘someone’ was. I didn’t ask; I didn’t feel the need to as I’m not the jealous type.

I make no assumptions about his intent. If he was hoping to make me feel this way with his vague statements and actions at the milonga,  it wasn't working. 

I went to bed and my first epiphany of the day when I woke up the following morning was that this guy scared the hell out of me. His words cut through me and made me feel powerless. I can’t be involved with someone that instills fear in me. This wasn’t a good sign. He called me later that day. I didn’t pick up my phone – I simply didn’t know what to say. I knew I needed to end things. I just wasn’t quite ready to face him yet.

Last night I attended one of the Sunday milongas. He's quite involved with this event in addition to a few others that are consistent volunteers. I remember him saying to me early on that we would always dance the first and last tanda together because ‘we’re a couple now’. I arrived to the milonga with a book he loaned to me so I could return it and tell him I’m done with the relationship. He was already dancing with someone. The tanda ended and he approached me. He asked me if I wanted to dance. I obliged. As we proceed to dance he’s consistently correcting my form: my head was too close to his, I wasn't on my axis, my steps were too wide, blah, blah, blah. I’ve already admitted I dance poorly – and I don’t see that I can do much about it until I finish my last term and find a decent paying job; I haven’t resorted to pole dancing yet.

I had a few dances. I know there are many who avoid me like the plague. I’m assuming this is because I’m new, still learning, and not perfect and graceful as many of the lovely tango ladies are – or perhaps I’m sending out some bad vibes which is why I attract men such as Mr. Tanguero into my life.

Mr. Tanguero danced the last tanda with his ex. I’ve never seen her before. Someone told me I was 'an improvement'. I feel lied to. She’s quite stunning. I watched him during the first song of the set. He kissed her forehead several times. A friend informed me that he went out of his way to touch her.  It was obvious that something was going on – but I didn’t care because I was ending things. . . . Whatever this thing was exactly. My only grievance is that he didn’t have the balls to tell me himself.

I danced the last few songs of the tanda with one of my favorite people. When it ended, I grabbed the book from my bag and waited for Mr. Tangeuro to be available. He approached me and hugged me. I immediately gave him the book. I told him I was afraid to be alone with him. This is the truth. He smiled and asked, “Really?” Sorry. Your (currently) calm demeanor doesn’t fool me; I know how ugly you can be. I responded with, “Yes” as I grabbed my things and walked out the door.

If the thought of being alone with you makes me afraid - I think the Universe is speaking very loudly to me. 

I have not heard a peep from him. I’m sure he knows why he scares me. I don’t mind being around him if there are others present, but never alone.  Based on my experience, seeing a switch that can flip that quickly is a prelude to worse forms of abuse. Also, he seems to have moved on already. This is definitely a person that operates out of impulsiveness, and this is not the type of influence I need or want in my life right now. Lastly, I told him I was overwhelmed in the beginning and that I wasn't sure if I was ready for this intensity. Basically, he told me to ignore those feelings. I should have seen that as a red flag as well.

If I'm completely honest with myself, I can admit that I'm still not over my former Beloved: the memories, the loss of a beautiful friendship. I'm just not ready for any form of intimacy right now. I still sometimes cry when I talk about him and how things ended. The thought of a relationship, the emotions, the bonding, the vulnerability - everything that comes with the territory - is overwhelming.