“Believe in nothing,
no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” - Buddha
When it comes to healing, I’ve noticed that I’m really only
working towards it when I feel tormented. I think I would make a heck of a lot
more progress if I were spending time filling my arsenal when I actually have
control of my senses. My solution is more self-care. I’ve been stretched way
too thin for the last three months and have decided that I need to make more
time for myself. It feels like a circus sometimes: appeasing everyone in your
life, juggling a full time job in addition to weekend work (I’ve added it all
up and it amounts to about 60 hours a week), my dogs, my family, my boyfriend
and a hobby that I love, but my boyfriend does not. Half the time I’m just too
exhausted to remember what I’m doing, why I’m there and what conversation has
literally just taken place between me and another. While it pains me to do so,
I’ve had to practice the use of ‘no’ and standing my ground when it comes to
allowing myself outlets that contribute to my sense of wellbeing. I imagine
when I can finally manage to get my life somewhere near where I’d like it to
be, I can strap down and do some of the more in depth healing work – even though
the thought of it scares me.
“Let me not pray to
be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg
for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” - Tagore
Diseases of the soul are more dangerous than those of the body.
I stumbled across a book recently that has turned out to be
a gold mine for healing from trauma, appropriately titled, “The Trauma Toolkit”.
The author, Susan Pease Banitt, talks about a central core that we all possess.
It is an emotionless observer – the side of ourselves that is calm, watching,
and entirely detached when our emotions are heightened out of fear or elation,
and I imagine this is why time seems to stand still when we are in the midst of
something traumatic. Banitt points to the psychological pioneers, Dr. Brian
Weiss and Dr. Roger Woolger, whose extensive research in past life regression
has affirmed that there is a part of our consciousness that is never born,
never dies, exists outside of three-dimensional reality, and can never be hurt
or wounded in any way.
“Meditation is the
dissolution of thoughts in Eternal awareness or Pure consciousness without
objectification, knowing without thinking, merging finitude in infinity.” - Volatire
I’ve acknowledged that this is something I need to believe. I need to believe that
the people I’ve loved so fondly in this life were with me from the very
beginning in whatever lives led up to this one and that I’ll find them again in
the next. I need to believe that there is a part of us that exists outside of
space and time, and this is part of the reason I still feel connected to my
father and my grandmother – and somehow this is what has allowed me to
have conversations with them when I’m dreaming.
There was a dream I had about my father. I saw him across
the room at some sort of social gathering. He was the same age as I am now,
which would be a true fact if he had somehow been frozen in time when he died
so long ago. I began to argue with him. He couldn’t possibly be real; he was
dead. This was his response, “I don’t know who lied to you. I’m not dead. I’ve
only been gone for a while.” It still gives me goose bumps, even as I type
these words, because that was such a profound message to me. He exists
somewhere else, and I exist with him there.
Somewhere across space and time - another celestial shore.
I need to believe in this observant consciousness because I
have no other way of explaining why I am unphased by so many, yet I can have inexplicably
deep connections with others. My heart leapt at the sight of Pavarti. My soul
knew hers, yet we had grown up in entirely different times and continents. I
felt something stir in the deepest part of my soul when I met my boyfriend. I
had no words for it and even still I struggle to describe it. A running joke
between us is that we’ve been dating for ten years. While this is far from true,
it certainly feels that way . . . and it kinda looks that way when others watch
how he and I interact with each other. There are some that would say this could
all be chalked up to chemistry, pheromones, hormones, proximity, Fate, God, the
Universe, and so on. I’m, sure those are part of the puzzle as well. However, anyone
who claims to know the capacities of the human psyche and depths of the soul
with absolute certainty is an arrogant fool. We can never possibly know for
certain, can we? The only thing I can say with certainty is that there are
certain things I need to believe because those beliefs are comforting to me. It’s
comforting to think that the people I love so deeply have never and will never
truly leave me.
"Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas
I need to believe in this form of consciousness because I
have no other way of explaining how I can be perfectly content with doing
everything and nothing into the wee hours of the morning with my boyfriend. I
can’t picture a sweeter image. I can’t imagine a safer place than wrapped in
his arms. I’ve never felt safer, more treasured, protected or adored. He is my
happiness – just the thought of him brings a smile to my lips. I imagine it is
this consciousness that makes any time spent away from him feel like eternity –
some long drawn out and ancient form of torture. Perhaps it was this consciousness
that made me want to run from him in the beginning because my own attraction
was pulling me towards him with an intensity that I never knew; and maybe this
consciousness will grant us another life together across another span of time.
Aquatic adventures! Remember when I took one for the team?
“I didn’t want to
give you the one last part of myself that I couldn’t take back . . . and then I
realized it was already yours. It had been since the beginning.” – Lisa Kleypas,
Dreaming of You
You believe it now, don't you?
