Everything and Nothing

“Believe in nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” - Buddha

When it comes to healing, I’ve noticed that I’m really only working towards it when I feel tormented. I think I would make a heck of a lot more progress if I were spending time filling my arsenal when I actually have control of my senses. My solution is more self-care. I’ve been stretched way too thin for the last three months and have decided that I need to make more time for myself. It feels like a circus sometimes: appeasing everyone in your life, juggling a full time job in addition to weekend work (I’ve added it all up and it amounts to about 60 hours a week), my dogs, my family, my boyfriend and a hobby that I love, but my boyfriend does not. Half the time I’m just too exhausted to remember what I’m doing, why I’m there and what conversation has literally just taken place between me and another. While it pains me to do so, I’ve had to practice the use of ‘no’ and standing my ground when it comes to allowing myself outlets that contribute to my sense of wellbeing. I imagine when I can finally manage to get my life somewhere near where I’d like it to be, I can strap down and do some of the more in depth healing work – even though the thought of it scares me.

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” - Tagore

Diseases of the soul are more dangerous than those of the body.

I stumbled across a book recently that has turned out to be a gold mine for healing from trauma, appropriately titled, “The Trauma Toolkit”. The author, Susan Pease Banitt, talks about a central core that we all possess. It is an emotionless observer – the side of ourselves that is calm, watching, and entirely detached when our emotions are heightened out of fear or elation, and I imagine this is why time seems to stand still when we are in the midst of something traumatic. Banitt points to the psychological pioneers, Dr. Brian Weiss and Dr. Roger Woolger, whose extensive research in past life regression has affirmed that there is a part of our consciousness that is never born, never dies, exists outside of three-dimensional reality, and can never be hurt or wounded in any way.

“Meditation is the dissolution of thoughts in Eternal awareness or Pure consciousness without objectification, knowing without thinking, merging finitude in infinity.” - Volatire

I’ve acknowledged that this is something I need to believe. I need to believe that the people I’ve loved so fondly in this life were with me from the very beginning in whatever lives led up to this one and that I’ll find them again in the next. I need to believe that there is a part of us that exists outside of space and time, and this is part of the reason I still feel connected to my father and my grandmother – and somehow this is what has allowed me to have conversations with them when I’m dreaming.

There was a dream I had about my father. I saw him across the room at some sort of social gathering. He was the same age as I am now, which would be a true fact if he had somehow been frozen in time when he died so long ago. I began to argue with him. He couldn’t possibly be real; he was dead. This was his response, “I don’t know who lied to you. I’m not dead. I’ve only been gone for a while.” It still gives me goose bumps, even as I type these words, because that was such a profound message to me. He exists somewhere else, and I exist with him there.

Somewhere across space and time - another celestial shore.

I need to believe in this observant consciousness because I have no other way of explaining why I am unphased by so many, yet I can have inexplicably deep connections with others. My heart leapt at the sight of Pavarti. My soul knew hers, yet we had grown up in entirely different times and continents. I felt something stir in the deepest part of my soul when I met my boyfriend. I had no words for it and even still I struggle to describe it. A running joke between us is that we’ve been dating for ten years. While this is far from true, it certainly feels that way . . . and it kinda looks that way when others watch how he and I interact with each other. There are some that would say this could all be chalked up to chemistry, pheromones, hormones, proximity, Fate, God, the Universe, and so on. I’m, sure those are part of the puzzle as well. However, anyone who claims to know the capacities of the human psyche and depths of the soul with absolute certainty is an arrogant fool. We can never possibly know for certain, can we? The only thing I can say with certainty is that there are certain things I need to believe because those beliefs are comforting to me. It’s comforting to think that the people I love so deeply have never and will never truly leave me.

"Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

I need to believe in this form of consciousness because I have no other way of explaining how I can be perfectly content with doing everything and nothing into the wee hours of the morning with my boyfriend. I can’t picture a sweeter image. I can’t imagine a safer place than wrapped in his arms. I’ve never felt safer, more treasured, protected or adored. He is my happiness – just the thought of him brings a smile to my lips. I imagine it is this consciousness that makes any time spent away from him feel like eternity – some long drawn out and ancient form of torture. Perhaps it was this consciousness that made me want to run from him in the beginning because my own attraction was pulling me towards him with an intensity that I never knew; and maybe this consciousness will grant us another life together across another span of time.

Aquatic adventures! Remember when I took one for the team? 

“I didn’t want to give you the one last part of myself that I couldn’t take back . . . and then I realized it was already yours. It had been since the beginning.” – Lisa Kleypas, Dreaming of You

You believe it now, don't you? 

The Blessings We Don't See

“When we lose one blessing, another is often unexpectedly giving in its place” – C.S. Lewis

For every traumatic thing that I’ve had in my life, I’ve had an extremely profound, beautiful and miraculous story to match it. I only realized this in the wee hours of the morning when I stayed up talking with someone that is very dear to me. He was amazed at some of the life experiences I was sharing with him, particularly the one about me abandoned in Georgia.

I've felt pretty lost since I was left there. I'm still trying to find my way.

I wound up in Georgia just after my father died. My mother left me there with people who were strangers to me. My time there wasn’t bad, I was just heart broken, scared and longing for my family. I talked to the woman who cared for me about them. I remember her going through one phone book after another until she found my grandmother. That is arguably the most profound miracle of my life so far and if that’s not proof of some form of a divine plan from the universe or some form of higher power, I have no idea what is.

Something somewhere, someone somewhere, or Fate in my petty understanding of the Universe was looking out for me. 

I won’t do her justice with the words that follow, but I’ll try to describe my caregiver in Georgia. I haven’t seen her since she flew to California with me and brought me back into the arms of my grandmother. Her name is Myrna and she was a woman with a constant smile on her face. She had a closet that had an endless supply of bright blue muumuus. She lived and breathed in these muumuus. In fact, she worked out to Sweatin’ to the Oldies in the mornings in her muumuu. She was always in one of those bright blue things.

THIS guy. See that blue? Now I know where she got her fashion trend tips. 

Myrna was an endless giver. She made sandwiches to hand out to the construction workers who volunteered to repair the home of a community member after it was ripped to shreds by a tornado. She did this every day. Myrna was a lover of cats. If I remember correctly, she had around 18 of them. When it was feeding time and the herd of cats swarmed on the porch, she would count them and say out loud, “Sammy is missing.” To this day, that still amazes me.

For Pete's sake! I do well to remember my own pin code and this woman could remember the names of each of these cats.            

The determination and moral compass of one woman granted me another year with my grandmother and I’m eternally grateful for that. It’s hard for me to recognize these miraculous events in my life when I’m too consumed with telling myself what I failure and horrible human being I am. Some people know how to throw some knock out punches with their words. It was a mistake to even acknowledge those words because they came from a bad place – someone angry and bitter.

Myrna took me to visit a farm once. The farmhouse was a light shade of blue set on a backdrop of a sea of waving green grass that danced in the morning breeze. I could hear the long, lowing sounds of cows in the distance. The interior of the farmhouse was warm, an  inviting contrast from the brisk morning air. The aroma of cookies baking in the oven beckoned visitors to come inside. It seemed as if everything inside of the farmhouse was blue: the carpets which enveloped my bare feet, the flowered pattern on the yellow wallpaper, the dishes, the tablecloth, even the coffee pot.

I walked outside and stepped into the tall grass. I ran the stalks through my fingers as I trudged through it, the morning dew clinging to the palm of my hand. I felt lost in the middle of the emerald, pastured, sea; I wanted to be lost. I made my way over to the cows, reaching my small hand through the barbed wire fence. Cautiously, one approached, lowering her head to sniff my outstretched fingers. She let me brush her nose and I laughed with contentment. I heard my name called in the distance, and slowly made my way back to the blue farmhouse.

Driving home that evening, I was dazzled by the sight of fireflies leaping and glowing in the field. Because this was a new experience for me, Myrna pulled over and let me chase after fireflies for a few minutes. I caught one. It looked like fairy dust in my hands. I closed my eyes and made a wish. I had no knowledge of the validity of wishes, only that it gave me something to hold and hope for. I held the firefly in my hands, letting it illuminate my path back to the car. The memory of the firefly has stayed with me over the years and has served to remind me that a ray of light can be found even in the darkest of times, no matter how small it may be.   

Sometimes we need another perspective on our life experiences to make us realize how blessed we have been. For that, Mr. Object of My Affection Always Running 5 hours late – I thank you. You are an amazing human being. You are a rock even though you don't see it. Have you found me yet?

I'd say several lifetimes. 

“Reflect on your present blessings – of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” – Charles Dickens

Karma, Suitors and Tango Cliques

“The ground we walk on, the plants and creatures, the clouds above constantly dissolving into new formations – each gift of nature possessing its own radiant energy, bound together by cosmic harmony.”  - Ruth Bernhard

I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve run into that are amazed by how I look these days. The word I hear the most is ‘radiant’. Not only do I take this as a huge compliment, but it also tells me that I have begun to process and let go of the pain I was feeling over the loss of someone I loved very deeply – the only person I’ve ever loved that deeply. Don’t get me wrong, there are still days I want to kick myself for everything that took place; not just my actions, but for the actions against me that I allowed. I am my harshest critic and I’m learning to be kinder to myself.

This is what people see in me - the wonder, the awe, the joy

Part of my ‘Chakracise’ is learning to reflect positively. One thought I’ve used quite a bit in meditation lately is this: “Every decision made is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. Relinquish the regret and choose the miracle.” I can look at some of the most ugly things in life I’ve experienced and even if I can’t find a miracle in the actual incident, I can still tell myself that I’m here. Considering the quantity of ugliness I’ve encountered throughout my life, I’d say I’m doing handling it quite smashingly. Even during the times I feel like I’m breaking and life is just too heavy, there is a miracle because I still strive to find something positive. There are days I have to push a little harder, but there is beauty. There is beauty and that’s a miracle.

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” – Buddha

The more I’ve ventured out of my comfort zone while simultaneously gradually immersing myself in the world of tango I’ve discovered how very cliquish it is. I was told about these cliques, but had not yet witnessed these groups in action.

I went out last night to a venue I’d never been to before. I didn’t know a single soul there. A friend said she was definitely going and a couple of others said they may make an appearance. Guess who got stood up? Part of me thinks I had it coming simply for the way I treated someone recently, and this is where I go off on a tangent.

He recognized me when he spotted me on campus. I kept avoiding eye contact because I didn’t want to talk to him and I couldn’t for the life of me remember why. He did not pick up on my attempt to avoid him completely and approached me where I was sitting with my head down pretending to read. He asked me how I was doing. I couldn’t remember his name until he told me and I still couldn’t remember why I wanted nothing to do with him. He suggests we meet for drinks to catch up. I agreed to it simply because I desperately wanted to remember what it was about this guy that made me want to kick him.

THIS is the type of guy I attract. I'm doing something wrong. 

So, we meet for drinks and he talks about a sociology professor at PSU. He worships the guy and I happen to despise this professor. In fact, said professor landed himself in hot water a year ago for having affairs with his students. Note the plural? This professor in question isn’t a good person. As our conversation was taking place, I was still trying to remember why I stopped talking to this guy to begin with.

I went home that night. It was the beginnings of spring break and I had wanted to do some journaling for some time. It had been so long since I’d written in that book; when I opened it to begin writing I saw that my very last entry was about the guy who approached me on campus. I was then reminded why I didn’t want to associate myself with him: he had acted callously and unkind. So what do I do with this information? Please don’t judge me too harshly with the words that follow.

I receive a text from the guy who approached me at PSU and it was apparent from the beginning that he really only wanted to get in my pants . . . . not happening. So, he’d arrange to meet with me and I was consistently canceling at the last minute – and I’d make the dumbest excuses: I’m giving my dog a bath, I’m washing my hair, I’m practicing rocket science. Despite this, he persisted. I then began to blatantly ignore him for days at a time. I finally realized that what I was doing was just flat out wrong and I came clean and told him I didn’t want his presence in my life. He responded that I ‘had more to do’ with us not speaking for so long. Umm . . . I do not care. What I do care about is my behavior. In spite of him being a jerk, there’s really no reason for me to seek vengeance and take out all of my frustrations on him by being negligent and uncaring.

Yeah . . . I wasn't nice. I'm not proud of it. 

I think whatever we put into the Universe is what comes back. It’s not my place to act out against another. With that in mind, I think I deserved what happened last night. I’m generally a fairly outgoing person. I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone. Truth. When I first arrived there weren’t many dancers, so I saw someone sitting by herself, walked over, introduced myself and asked a million questions about her. She wound up being swept off by someone she dances with often.

Watch and learn . . .  or just keep swimming

So, I sat. I waited. I took in the scene. Even when I’m not dancing, I can learn a thing or two just from watching feet. As I sat there, it began to become more crowded as the night wore on. I then began to see the clique groups that had been mentioned. I started to tune into conversations; it was nothing more than blatant gossip. I felt like I was back in high school. In particular, the private high school that I loathed.

I thought people would grow out of this eventually. I'm beginning to have doubts. 

Eventually I see a friend of my former beloved walk in. I have seen her on campus countless times. I’ve smiled, waved; I’ve even said hello. Every time I’ve been ignored. I eventually gave up because it was obvious that she wanted nothing to do with me. Also, this was long before things between the former beloved and I went terribly wrong. The difference last night is that she acknowledged my presence by actually looking in my direction – but this was not to offer a smile, only an icy cold stare. I wasn’t particularly comfortable, especially because I didn’t know anyone in the room. Thank goodness for the wine. Truth.

I think there was an hour of the event left. I had grown tired of listening to the gossip and the looks of disdain from someone I hardly knew that reminded me of a person I loved and lost. It was just a bit too close of a connection for my liking. I texted the disgustingly cute barista that works in the coffee shop of the PSU library. He tells me to head his way and I oblige. ‘Radiant’ is the first thing he says when he sees me. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on and we spent a few hours catching up on our individual spring break escapades. I probably could have talked to him all night, we have done that on occasion, but he and I both are trying to stay on top of our last term at PSU. Instead I left smiling because his smile is infectious. Truth. I need more people like that in my life.

Complete acceptance and encouragement. I am thankful for the friends who keep cheering me on. 

While I have lately been described as radiant, I still question what sort of vibes I’m sending out to the world. Within the span of only two weeks, I’ve had several men attempt to enter my life and attempt to manipulate. I used to never see that sort of thing coming, now I can spot it before it even begins. If I say that I’m not available, I am not relationship material and I have no desire whatsoever to connect with you on any level – I mean it. One guy in particular wasn’t listening and attempting to use whatever flaws in my character that he knew of against me solely for the purpose of manipulation. I eventually went off. I didn’t hit below the belt, I didn’t call him names or say anything out of cruelty, I simply expressed anger and this surprised him. It surprised me, too. Ava grew a backbone. Who knew?

Seriously, Dude. I couldn't have said it any plainer. 

I can look at the vast majority of the last few weeks as a grievance: the slew of men that are black on the inside that manage find their way into my orbit, the fact that I’m attracting aforementioned men, the cliquishness of a community that is supposed to be ‘social’, the flakey people, the consistent reminders of someone I loved very much and the glares of someone who doesn’t know me. I choose not to. I embrace the miracle.

I see a miracle in my ability to stand up for myself for once, a miracle in the beauty of a dance that I still love, a miracle in the joy I feel when I’m dancing in any form of movement, and a miracle in the people in my life that continue to remind me that I am treasured, valued, radiant and worthy of the best things in life. Today is a miracle. I embrace it. 

I've got the world on a swing. Not string; the swing is far more entertaining. 

"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein