Non Believers and Miracles

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” – Thomas Edison

As there are pros and cons to most things in life, there are pros and cons to being a temp. Most people look at you as if you’re flawed because you’re unable to find a ‘real job’. I’m on my third assignment at a local hospital and I’d very much like to be hired on permanently. I’m currently supporting an amazing doctor with an amazing life story and what she has to say about it is this, “Never underestimate the power of tenacity and perseverance.” Bravo, Amazing One. Obviously the pros are the endless new experiences, meeting new people and having something to look forward to because it demands that I always put my best foot forward. As for the cons, this is mostly public perception, horrible benefit packages and being contracted through a temp agency that really only takes interest in you if you’re out there making a good impression which reflects on them and keeps them employed.

Because I’m so uncertain of my own financial stability, I’ve been working really hard these days. It’s a five day work week and I clean houses on the weekend. Not all of that is paid, either – my agreement at home is that I clean for them in lieu of rent. Believe me when I say I earn my keep. I was out to tango last Friday and one of my dance partners was asking me about myself, what I do, etc. It’s either my greatest strength or my greatest fault – I am always honest no matter how pathetic I may make myself sound. This person told me he didn’t believe me which equates to calling me a liar. I’m so sorry it’s hard for you to believe that an educated white girl would work as hard as she has to until she gets to where she wants to go. I was tempted to thank him for the tanda mid dance and just walk away. I didn’t because it’s not really worth it.

This is what I was thinking in my head when the tanda ended. 

This weekend is an exception. I’m actually going to hide away with the world’s most awesome boyfriend because I’m just plain worn out and I was feeling sore from a 6 hour house cleaning spree that left knots in my shoulders for nearly a week. I need to sleep and would be grateful for some space to breathe. Of course, my furry babies will be with me, too.

October gave me a miracle this year. I’m still stunned and in the deepest part of me hope that this is finally the turning of the tides. I don’t want to be haunted by memories or consumed with rage and grief. I just want it all gone. My confrontation with my worst set of life experiences didn’t feel as heavy as anticipated because I had a listening ear, encouraging words and arms around me that held me while I cried and made me feel like I belonged there. He came before October, but I think the world’s most awesome boyfriend is a miracle as well – because we finally found each other.

I recently looked at the actual date of our first outing together. It wasn’t quite two months ago. I think everyone we know is just as surprised as we are. Really?! That’s it? My soul recognized him the moment his lips met mine. On my worst days his smile alone can change my mood. Despite the many stress factors in my life at the moment, I’m still smiling – and it’s genuine. People can see that and I’m pretty sure that’s why we’re all shocked that he and I haven’t been together for a decade already.

My biggest surprise and greatest miracle came in the form of kindness and love from someone who expects absolutely nothing in return. Since I’ve only been working for about a month now, I’ve had to play a lot of catching up because I was literally barely scraping by – and sometimes not at all. I got my very first ticket. I had every right to plead ‘no contest’ in front of the judge and ask for traffic school so it doesn’t go on my permanent record. What does the village idiot say? “Guilty”. For pete’s sake – I can’t be trusted in front of black robed judges, the inquisition . . . . any questioning whatsoever, really.

Indeed.

I was kicking myself the second I walked out of that courtroom, not only because I clammed up but also because I had to pay a hefty fine and I was setting money aside to take my two dogs to a very overdue vet check which would include vaccination boosters, flea and tick prevention medication and a prescription for arthritis medication for both dogs. I knew it was going to be a few months before I could pull it off, but my idiot move set me back even further. I can’t stand to see my dogs in pain and I was feeling like a horrible dog mom because I felt helpless. My own medical expenses are catastrophic due to bad health insurance.

In order to apply for assistance, I needed a quote from my veterinarian to show the financial need. Whomever I spoke with on the phone would not cooperate with me and said I couldn’t get a quote unless I brought my dogs in. She obviously didn’t understand that I was in this predicament because I could not afford to bring them in. I applied for assistance anyway and received one rejection after another because my pets do not need urgent care. In my desperation, I made a last ditch effort to fundraise online for my dogs.

I created a page and posted the link to facebook. I wasn’t expecting anything, just hopeful that a few people would be able and willing to donate something. When I checked my e-mail later that day, I was informed by the donation site that my goal of $700 had been met. My cousin in California donated the entire amount. I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard from joy and relief. Thank you for your unconditional kindness. I will never forget it.

October’s nearly over. I think I’ll manage to stay in one piece this year and I am so grateful that I now have happy memories for this time of year.

“Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.” – George Sand

Demons and Fairytales

“We bury things so deep we no longer remember there was anything to bury. Our bodies remember. Our neurotic states remember. But we don’t” Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?

I remember being disheartened when I read one woman’s statement from a site she’s dedicated to healing from PTSD, “You will never be the same. Ever.” I’d like to say that statement is false, but the more years I live the more I experience that statement as a truth. I pass the same face of the mountain several times as I make my way to the top. Sometimes this brings up issues I’ve struggled with before, and sometimes it’s an entirely new set – which is what I’m facing now and this set in particular is something I never wanted to think about. Ever.

Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice and I'm coming out of this storm with boxing gloves on!

I guess I have to stand and face the music sometime, because my psyche really won’t leave it alone. Intrusive memories that trigger a mild relapse . . . . and the skittishness and neuroticism returns. Damn. It. I’ve been told on more than one occasion to remind myself where I am. It’s easier said than done. I know where I am; it doesn’t stop the memories. The only thing I know of that really works is a hell of a lot of self-care and telling myself on a daily basis that I’m okay – and I am okay. I could have easily been just another statistic; I’m still beating the odds because I am one tough mother f-er.

So where does this leave me with this particular set? Sometimes memories feel like the heaviest thing, even when you’ve shaken them out they leave traces, like a permanent wrinkle at the very core of your being. I’m getting out my iron. I guess I’m just going to have to talk about the abuse even though it grips me with an odd concoction of fury and sadness. This means I’ll be doing a lot of handwriting in my journal . . . . which I will more than likely burn once I’ve purged myself from my current plague and then I’ll put on my smiley face knowing I’ve conquered yet again. There is a way through this – I just need to find the most effective method. For now, the only approach I know is more self-care . . . expressions of gratitude, reflections of the Universe, believing in myself and dancing. Most likely bellydancing.

Note that smile. If I were my demons I'd start running. Just sayin'

“You might not feel it. You might not want even want to grow, but you will. You will grow back that part  that broke off, and that growing, that blooming – cannot happen without the pain.” – Kelle Hampton, Bloom

I’ll be reminding myself of all of the glorious and good things in my life. I have many. In addition to two doting dogs and many other things, I’m fortunate to have someone in my life that chooses to see the best in me and has exuded a calming patience towards me that I can say with all honesty I’ve never experienced before. He says he’s lucky. I think I’m the lucky one. I’ve never felt more at ease with myself in the presence of another human being. He’s given me more beautiful, perfect moments in life in the short time I’ve known him than I could ever ask for and every day I’ve spent with him has always been another ‘best day of my life’. True story.

You've already given me one. 

I never knew someone would walk into my life and I’d finally realize why it never worked out with anyone else. No one else could ever compare to him. I thought it all was a lost cause and he walked (literally – tango style) into my life and reaffirmed my faith in everything that I needed to know and believe in. I feel like I’m living in some sort of unexpected fairytale. He always tells me I’m beautiful. Always. I can tell he means it and a little part of me breaks away from my self-conscious, disbelieving self and I know I can believe him because he means it. While I can’t say he’s fixed me, he’s certainly sped up the process. I don’t have to ask him to be there because I know he always will be. 

It's you. It's always been you. 

My Feet Barely Touched The Ground

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different . . .” –C.S. Lewis

So October, we meet again. This is the first time I can remember in a long time that I don’t have some sort of ominous feeling looming over my head. In fact, celebrating my birthday was a pleasant surprise and while I have thought of my father, I haven’t felt as sad as I have in years past. I’d say it’s more bittersweet. Perhaps that comes from the realization that I’ve had so very many beautiful experiences with him and fond memories. Not everyone can say that about a parent and while I’ve missed him growing up, wishing he could share in my major life experiences, I’ll gladly take the memories. They are a beautiful gift.

We don't remember days, we remember moments. I am so very thankful for these moments.

I reigned in my new year with grace. In all honesty, it was the most fun, carefree and memorable day I’ve had in a long time. I spent a few hours doing something I love: tango. I shared a few beautiful tandas with one of my favorite leads and had a lot of fun with perfect strangers that are simply there to share in the passion of the dance and the love of the music. While I could have easily tangoed the night away and barely let my feet touch the ground, the world’s best boyfriend wanted to celebrate with me and I was recently given a new revelation: He doesn’t like dancing and only stuck around in tango because of me. No one has ever made me feel more valued, treasured or cherished as this man and I consider myself to be one extremely lucky lady. He’s my friend, my protector, my spiritual comrade and my rock.

You are my rock, my here and now, my everything - and for that I thank you. 

I left the milonga early to spend time with him. He greeted me with red roses and swept me off my feet . . . . literally – because he insisted on carrying me over rain puddles so my delicate feet didn’t get wet. Thank you for saving me from the rain. We ended the night with a beautiful dinner and one of our long conversations that could have easily stretched into the wee hours of the morning. It didn’t this time. I’ve just gotten over some sort of nasty bug and the world’s best boyfriend caught it because he insisted on taking care of me while I was at home feeling miserable. He still wasn’t feeling well on my birthday, but was determined to spend time with me anyway. Have I mentioned how lucky I am?

Sweeping me off my feet - it looked something like this; but there was rain and puddles everywhere

I’ve made an effort to get back into my spiritual practices and expressions of gratitude. I thought smudging might help my boyfriend feel better with some of the issues he’s facing in life. For those of you who don’t know what smudging is, it’s a Native practice that is used for cleansing and healing. While I’ve performed smudging in my room and on myself, I’ve never done so on another person. This meant I had to consult with experts . . . . which was really an excuse to go to my favorite place in the pacific north west: Mystery Gallery.

I love this place because just by walking in the store I feel like my spirits are lifted and the owners obviously care about what they do and the people they help through their work. It’s a small family owned business. I discussed my mission with the husband who gave me some tips for smudging and when I asked for some form of stone that would help my boyfriend I was pointed to one for grounding. For the record, the world’s best boyfriend loves it and that makes me happy. The smudging session was longer than I anticipated and required a very intense focus on my end, but it was therapeutic for both of us.

Smudging. We have much to learn from the Natives.

Imagine my surprise when a couple of days later my boyfriend shows up with a gift for me: a wolf pendant on a dainty silver necklace. Few people have ever given me something so meaningful. I wear it every day and since I first opened that box it was immediately my favorite piece of jewelry and a constant reminder of him - and also my fearless she-wolf.

I have not just one, but TWO fearless guardians. 

I’m still a work in progress. He accepts me as I am. He’s teaching me to accept myself as I am. I’ve learned to let go of my expectations of what I think life should be and accept it as it is. Did I think I’d be here ten years ago? Not even close. Am I okay with that? You betcha. I'm elated. 

I can't see what's just around the bend. I have no idea, actually, and it's really not possible if one wants to take in each and every present moment. 

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  - Joseph Campbell