Non Believers and Miracles

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” – Thomas Edison

As there are pros and cons to most things in life, there are pros and cons to being a temp. Most people look at you as if you’re flawed because you’re unable to find a ‘real job’. I’m on my third assignment at a local hospital and I’d very much like to be hired on permanently. I’m currently supporting an amazing doctor with an amazing life story and what she has to say about it is this, “Never underestimate the power of tenacity and perseverance.” Bravo, Amazing One. Obviously the pros are the endless new experiences, meeting new people and having something to look forward to because it demands that I always put my best foot forward. As for the cons, this is mostly public perception, horrible benefit packages and being contracted through a temp agency that really only takes interest in you if you’re out there making a good impression which reflects on them and keeps them employed.

Because I’m so uncertain of my own financial stability, I’ve been working really hard these days. It’s a five day work week and I clean houses on the weekend. Not all of that is paid, either – my agreement at home is that I clean for them in lieu of rent. Believe me when I say I earn my keep. I was out to tango last Friday and one of my dance partners was asking me about myself, what I do, etc. It’s either my greatest strength or my greatest fault – I am always honest no matter how pathetic I may make myself sound. This person told me he didn’t believe me which equates to calling me a liar. I’m so sorry it’s hard for you to believe that an educated white girl would work as hard as she has to until she gets to where she wants to go. I was tempted to thank him for the tanda mid dance and just walk away. I didn’t because it’s not really worth it.

This is what I was thinking in my head when the tanda ended. 

This weekend is an exception. I’m actually going to hide away with the world’s most awesome boyfriend because I’m just plain worn out and I was feeling sore from a 6 hour house cleaning spree that left knots in my shoulders for nearly a week. I need to sleep and would be grateful for some space to breathe. Of course, my furry babies will be with me, too.

October gave me a miracle this year. I’m still stunned and in the deepest part of me hope that this is finally the turning of the tides. I don’t want to be haunted by memories or consumed with rage and grief. I just want it all gone. My confrontation with my worst set of life experiences didn’t feel as heavy as anticipated because I had a listening ear, encouraging words and arms around me that held me while I cried and made me feel like I belonged there. He came before October, but I think the world’s most awesome boyfriend is a miracle as well – because we finally found each other.

I recently looked at the actual date of our first outing together. It wasn’t quite two months ago. I think everyone we know is just as surprised as we are. Really?! That’s it? My soul recognized him the moment his lips met mine. On my worst days his smile alone can change my mood. Despite the many stress factors in my life at the moment, I’m still smiling – and it’s genuine. People can see that and I’m pretty sure that’s why we’re all shocked that he and I haven’t been together for a decade already.

My biggest surprise and greatest miracle came in the form of kindness and love from someone who expects absolutely nothing in return. Since I’ve only been working for about a month now, I’ve had to play a lot of catching up because I was literally barely scraping by – and sometimes not at all. I got my very first ticket. I had every right to plead ‘no contest’ in front of the judge and ask for traffic school so it doesn’t go on my permanent record. What does the village idiot say? “Guilty”. For pete’s sake – I can’t be trusted in front of black robed judges, the inquisition . . . . any questioning whatsoever, really.

Indeed.

I was kicking myself the second I walked out of that courtroom, not only because I clammed up but also because I had to pay a hefty fine and I was setting money aside to take my two dogs to a very overdue vet check which would include vaccination boosters, flea and tick prevention medication and a prescription for arthritis medication for both dogs. I knew it was going to be a few months before I could pull it off, but my idiot move set me back even further. I can’t stand to see my dogs in pain and I was feeling like a horrible dog mom because I felt helpless. My own medical expenses are catastrophic due to bad health insurance.

In order to apply for assistance, I needed a quote from my veterinarian to show the financial need. Whomever I spoke with on the phone would not cooperate with me and said I couldn’t get a quote unless I brought my dogs in. She obviously didn’t understand that I was in this predicament because I could not afford to bring them in. I applied for assistance anyway and received one rejection after another because my pets do not need urgent care. In my desperation, I made a last ditch effort to fundraise online for my dogs.

I created a page and posted the link to facebook. I wasn’t expecting anything, just hopeful that a few people would be able and willing to donate something. When I checked my e-mail later that day, I was informed by the donation site that my goal of $700 had been met. My cousin in California donated the entire amount. I can’t remember the last time I cried so hard from joy and relief. Thank you for your unconditional kindness. I will never forget it.

October’s nearly over. I think I’ll manage to stay in one piece this year and I am so grateful that I now have happy memories for this time of year.

“Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.” – George Sand

My Feet Barely Touched The Ground

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different . . .” –C.S. Lewis

So October, we meet again. This is the first time I can remember in a long time that I don’t have some sort of ominous feeling looming over my head. In fact, celebrating my birthday was a pleasant surprise and while I have thought of my father, I haven’t felt as sad as I have in years past. I’d say it’s more bittersweet. Perhaps that comes from the realization that I’ve had so very many beautiful experiences with him and fond memories. Not everyone can say that about a parent and while I’ve missed him growing up, wishing he could share in my major life experiences, I’ll gladly take the memories. They are a beautiful gift.

We don't remember days, we remember moments. I am so very thankful for these moments.

I reigned in my new year with grace. In all honesty, it was the most fun, carefree and memorable day I’ve had in a long time. I spent a few hours doing something I love: tango. I shared a few beautiful tandas with one of my favorite leads and had a lot of fun with perfect strangers that are simply there to share in the passion of the dance and the love of the music. While I could have easily tangoed the night away and barely let my feet touch the ground, the world’s best boyfriend wanted to celebrate with me and I was recently given a new revelation: He doesn’t like dancing and only stuck around in tango because of me. No one has ever made me feel more valued, treasured or cherished as this man and I consider myself to be one extremely lucky lady. He’s my friend, my protector, my spiritual comrade and my rock.

You are my rock, my here and now, my everything - and for that I thank you. 

I left the milonga early to spend time with him. He greeted me with red roses and swept me off my feet . . . . literally – because he insisted on carrying me over rain puddles so my delicate feet didn’t get wet. Thank you for saving me from the rain. We ended the night with a beautiful dinner and one of our long conversations that could have easily stretched into the wee hours of the morning. It didn’t this time. I’ve just gotten over some sort of nasty bug and the world’s best boyfriend caught it because he insisted on taking care of me while I was at home feeling miserable. He still wasn’t feeling well on my birthday, but was determined to spend time with me anyway. Have I mentioned how lucky I am?

Sweeping me off my feet - it looked something like this; but there was rain and puddles everywhere

I’ve made an effort to get back into my spiritual practices and expressions of gratitude. I thought smudging might help my boyfriend feel better with some of the issues he’s facing in life. For those of you who don’t know what smudging is, it’s a Native practice that is used for cleansing and healing. While I’ve performed smudging in my room and on myself, I’ve never done so on another person. This meant I had to consult with experts . . . . which was really an excuse to go to my favorite place in the pacific north west: Mystery Gallery.

I love this place because just by walking in the store I feel like my spirits are lifted and the owners obviously care about what they do and the people they help through their work. It’s a small family owned business. I discussed my mission with the husband who gave me some tips for smudging and when I asked for some form of stone that would help my boyfriend I was pointed to one for grounding. For the record, the world’s best boyfriend loves it and that makes me happy. The smudging session was longer than I anticipated and required a very intense focus on my end, but it was therapeutic for both of us.

Smudging. We have much to learn from the Natives.

Imagine my surprise when a couple of days later my boyfriend shows up with a gift for me: a wolf pendant on a dainty silver necklace. Few people have ever given me something so meaningful. I wear it every day and since I first opened that box it was immediately my favorite piece of jewelry and a constant reminder of him - and also my fearless she-wolf.

I have not just one, but TWO fearless guardians. 

I’m still a work in progress. He accepts me as I am. He’s teaching me to accept myself as I am. I’ve learned to let go of my expectations of what I think life should be and accept it as it is. Did I think I’d be here ten years ago? Not even close. Am I okay with that? You betcha. I'm elated. 

I can't see what's just around the bend. I have no idea, actually, and it's really not possible if one wants to take in each and every present moment. 

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  - Joseph Campbell

Howl

Ever feel like walking off into the wilderness and howling? I do. The wolf howl is perhaps one of the most beautiful and mournful sounds I’ve ever heard. It speaks to me. I want to howl and let my sorrow drift into the air with it’s mournful sound . . . . then someone can wake me up when October ends.

This October marks the 23^rd anniversary of my father’s death. I remember it as the day that my perfect little world was shattered and nothing in life has ever been the same for me since. In the wake of his death, my grandmother, Patricia, selfless as always, went out of her way to maintain a sense of normalcy for me. She was ill with advanced and undiagnosed pancreatic cancer, had just lost her son, and had another son that was in an assisted living center being treated for schizophrenia. In spite of all of this, she fought to preserve my childhood and happiness.

I went trick or treating that year. I remember my costume: a black plastic trash bag and pharmacy store bought witch’s hat. In the aftermath of my father’s death, this was some much needed fun for five-year-old me. It wasn’t long after this that my crazy mother took me to Georgia and left me there with complete strangers. To this day, I still can’t decide if she was crazy, cruel or some insidious mixture of the two.

It’s not like it was all unhappy, I was just frightened and feeling very alone. I spent about a year in Georgia before I made a miraculous return home. I was with a woman named Myrna. According to my birth mother, this was my grandmother on her side. Myrna, knowing the deceitfulness and destruction that most often followed in my mother’s footsteps, played close attention to my chatter about home, losing my father and my longing to be with my grandmother Patricia.

I remember Myrna going through one phonebook after another, making phone call after phone call until she located my grandparents. She bought two plane tickets and accompanied me home. I wish I knew her better. Myrna is gone now, but I remember her as being the one constant and solid thing in my life when I was surrounded by turmoil and doubt.

A year after returning home to the west coast, my grandmother was in the hospital dying of cancer. I lived with whoever would take me in over the next year until cancer got the better of her. I remember the day she died as vividly as the day my father died. The air felt heavy and suffocating and I simply wanted to melt into the earth beneath my feet and disappear into the essence of the universe.

I look at the approach of this month with dread. I keep my birthday hidden on my online profile because all of the wishes for happiness only serve as a reminder of what’s been taken away and the looming sadness that I know will take over even though I try to keep it at bay. My father’s death marked the beginning of an immense amount of sadness that entered my life that I am still trying to process and come to terms with.

I’d like to think that someday all of this won’t make me so sad. In the meantime, I’ll try to create some happy memories for myself. At least I know I’ll survive it; I always do. 

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it" ~ Charles Dickens