No Apologies

“And high up above or down below

When you’re too in love to let it go

But if you never try you’ll never know

Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you” – Coldplay

I had a panic attack this weekend. That hasn’t happened in a while. Spaniard was with me. He managed to help me snap out of it in a matter of minutes by holding me tight next to him until my breathing matched his. I was embarrassed by my episode. I keep thinking I’m done with these wretched things and am discouraged when it comes back again. I apologized. He looked at me sternly and told me to never apologize. Never!!

As he would say: Fail harder. Don't give excuses for what you're not doing and never apologize.

He then reminded me that while I may not like it, every event in my life up to this point has become a part of my essence. He told me I’m wonderful even though I choose not to see it. All of these events are linked to me and always will be; that’s just the way it is. When a memory surfaces, when I’m gripped with fear, when I’m drowning in my own feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness, I need to acknowledge those aspects of myself and dismiss them because I’m done with them now. I’m safe. I am loved. – Book of Spaniard.

Whatever happened happened. I can't change it and I can't keep wishing it away, either. It exists. Embrace it. Dismiss it. Move on.

Spaniard reads me well. I do not like it – and I’m quite certain I don’t like it because he challenges me. He pushes me because he says I can do better, I can achieve more and I can be stronger. He tells me to maintain eye contact with him. He's right and I hate it. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with this because I feel like whoever is on the receiving end of my gaze can see right through me. It makes me vulnerable. I guess I can’t hold up a façade forever. I can’t berate myself forever, either. I truly am my own worst enemy. Spaniard told me to stop honing in on the things that I think are wrong with me and focus on what I like about myself. Also, there is nothing wrong with me. – Book of Spaniard. I can't keep trying to cover my eyes and I need to let myself live. I can't achieve that if I'm consistently trying to blind myself. 

"All the powers in the universe are already ours. it is we who have put our hands before our eyes and cry that it is dark." - Swami Vivekananda

While I spend the rest of my week forcing myself to stare into my own reflection, I’m making a point of looking for the good qualities and strengths. I’m going to remind myself that the good and bad have formed me – and I am unique and wonderful. For the record, I grimaced when I typed that last sentence. This isn’t going to be easy. 

I. Hate. This!!! It just makes me cry - but I know he's right. 

As he’s reminded me that these demons I carry with me are a part of me and will come back from time to time, I need to care for myself while I work through it. Self-care has never been my forte. I’ve been saying for months that I’m going to take a weekend off and ignore the rest of the world. Has it happened? No. There’s always a crisis in someone’s life or something that requires my presence. I’m quite certain my family is the most demanding . . . My next move will be out of the mother f-ing country! At least I managed to start dancing again last week. As I’m settling in and getting back to some form of a routine, I can start to slowly incorporate the things that I value back into my life. I’ll take my break from the world eventually. In the meantime, I have a friend who will remind (or force) me to go back to the things that I love and to always give it my best shot. 

- Book of Spaniard

A New Chapter

“We must be willing to get rid of the live we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” – Joseph Campbell

I know I’ve been posting a lot lately – but I take it as a good sign because I’ve got nothing but good news these days. I’m starting a new chapter. Just knowing this has lifted a huge burden off of my shoulders and I feel light and free. I woke up this morning and it’s the first time in a long while that I didn’t feel like waging war on myself by being self-destructive. I didn’t feel defeated; I didn’t feel as if I was losing the longest battle I’ve ever fought. I feel relieved – happy even – and that’s a pretty good feeling.

Let there be light! It's kinda a big deal for those of us who dwell in Portlandia - HUGE actually.

I’m growing suspicious of my Celtic Spirit meditation book; I think it’s reading my mind or something. Today’s reflection was The Prayer of the Spring Equinox, of darkness fading to light and new beginnings. I’m grateful for those words and I’m grateful that the sun is shining today. I’m not even upset anymore over not fitting into my jeans due to the pounds I packed on after Cassie died. It’s not permanent. I’ll get back to where I want to be soon enough. Also, I’m pretty damn lucky because I carry it well and no one seems to have even noticed the weight gain except for me – or they’re being extremely polite because I’m my own worst critic.

On the topic of criticism I struck up a conversation with one of my gal pals last night regarding how insanely self-conscious we females are. For every good quality that someone points out to a woman, I can guarantee she has a list of at least five things in her head that she thinks is ‘wrong’ with her. I’m not sure if this is built into our DNA or something engrained in us when we were little girls, but women tend to have insanely unrealistic expectations regarding their appearance; and not just their features, their size as well. I’m making a commitment to myself to not criticize every single imperfection and focus on the things that I can change – like the weight gain; and this is something I’m doing for me and no one else. And I also need to take my own advice and start noting my good qualities and what I’m doing right.

Ladies, let's stop striving for the unrealistic perfection that others tell us we should be. 

There’s this hilarious song by Flight of the Conchords called ‘Business Time’. This song mentions business socks. I wore my business socks last night – but within an entirely different context. I went to tango to meet with a friend I haven’t seen in a few weeks. I missed him. Guess who forgot her dancing shoes? This gal. The funny part is that I actually had two pairs of shoes in the bag that I took with me and I somehow managed to leave them behind when I was shuffling things in and out of my bag. So there I was. In my business socks. Dancing. It was challenging, but still fun.

Dancing is serious business. 

I may have had a small victory over my relentless reptilian brain as well. I danced with a guy my age and I was at perfect ease (even though I was dancing in business socks). I’ve given it some thought because I want to know what was different about this experience that made me feel so comfortable with him. I had a shot of bourbon; I had spent the entire day consuming caffeine to keep myself awake. I was still too wired for bourbon to knock me down a couple of notches, so that was most definitely not the reason. Before he and I danced he spent some time talking to me. He shared his art; we talked about hobbies and a variety of other things. I’m thinking that’s why I felt at ease – and it was lovely . .  . and yet another reason for me to wake up feeling grateful.

Did I mention it was close embrace as well? Thank you fellow tango dancer!

Tonight is another tango adventure. I have a feeling I won’t be dancing much because the crowd is going to be insane and I volunteer on Friday evenings. I’m slightly nervous. Beloved is going to DJ – and I’ve missed him. While I’d love nothing more than to hug him and talk for a while, I’m going to refrain from that urge. I’ve got to get my head on straight and deal with all of the baggage that I kept stuffing down so it doesn’t latch onto someone else, so I don’t lash out at anyone close to me. I’m working on forgiving myself for that as well.

I have a good feeling about my new chapter in life. I’m marking it with a tattoo I’ve been coveting for years, Says the gal that just got an apartment and needs to save money for practical things. I asked for some insight from my co-worker and jogging partner. Her thoughts echo my own – everything is aligning so perfectly and it should be honored. So I’ll be keeping the appointment I made on Tuesday and not worry about spending a small chunk of change on myself for something that isn’t practical in life, but honors a spiritual aspect of myself. 

This awesomeness is going on my back. 

Villians

“You learn eventually that, while there are no villains, there are no heroes either. And until you make the final discovery that there are only human beings, who are therefore all the more fascinating, you are liable to miss something.” – Paul Gallico

I've found most villains to be quite amusing.

My most recent ex told me that I villainize others in my writing. Perhaps there’s truth to that; the only perspective that I can offer is my own. What I can say is this: our perception is our reality. If we choose to interpret the actions of others as malicious, if we choose to interpret their behavior as ill intended, that is our reality. What I have given thus far is my own account, my own feelings, my own perception.

I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out. I wanted it to, I really did. I wanted him to be many things. I wanted us to be many things. The reality is this, we are really two people who need the same thing in life: grounding. The harsh truth is that ultimately neither of us could offer that to one another.

There's only so much we can do or give for one another. We can either accept the other as perfectly flawed, or move on when we can't see past those flaws. 

I’m not saying he’s a bad person. I’m saying we’re bad for each other. I caught a glimpse of that when we spent a weekend out of town together. I had to process everything that had occurred over that weekend. I asked for space. I needed space. Three days into the space that I asked for, he called it off. Today he hinted at wanting to get back together. I think that would be a stupid move on my part and bad news for both of us.

If both feel the other has consistently wronged them, it’s just not a good thing. He was there for me through some tough times, and his words also made some of those times really tough on me. I had to consider what was bad for me and what was good. Ultimately, the bad outweighed the good. This isn’t a dig into his character or essence as a person, that’s just how it was.

Whether or not it hinges on the fact that I'm Libra, I need balance. I need fairness. I need for things to be well-rounded and sound.

Today in particular I’ve been called many things: coward, flawed, and while not implicitly stated, mentally unstable. I’ll admit it hurts, particularly from someone I trusted and who meant a good deal to me. What I can say is this, I honestly don’t feel I’m to blame. I’m not saying he’s to blame, either – I just refuse to allow someone to make me feel at fault. Life doesn’t always play out as we’d hoped or intended. It’s full of surprises, twists, turns, setbacks and leaps forward. That’s part of the beauty of living.

Go fly a kite. Literally . . . because it's loads of fun.

I can say with all honesty I never envisioned myself to be where I am in life right now. It’s not where I intended to be, but it’s where I am. I’m gradually getting closer to the life I had hoped for. Sometimes I experience setbacks that feel so enormous and discouraging that I just want to wave a white flag and surrender. However, the worry, anxiety and stress poured into those scenarios really doesn’t do me any good. It’s wasted energy, really. Despite another setback to achieving my personal goals, I’m trying to glean the better parts of my current life. I won’t achieve independence as soon as I’d hoped. I’m disappointed, but I won’t be consumed with regret or even think about pointing a finger at anyone else but me.

For now, I think I have more than most could have hoped for. I have an amazing support network. It wasn’t something that’s just been handed over to me, it’s something that has been built over time and includes people who choose to see the best in me. Those are the types of people that I want to keep close to me. I have tango. There is no greater bliss in this world. I have a basset hound. There is no greater example of one who loves unconditionally and without expectation (with the exception of walks) than a dog. These are things that bring me joy in life help me get through some of the darker times life brings. They hold me gently and carry me back into the light when I can’t get there myself.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde

My Feet Barely Touched The Ground

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different . . .” –C.S. Lewis

So October, we meet again. This is the first time I can remember in a long time that I don’t have some sort of ominous feeling looming over my head. In fact, celebrating my birthday was a pleasant surprise and while I have thought of my father, I haven’t felt as sad as I have in years past. I’d say it’s more bittersweet. Perhaps that comes from the realization that I’ve had so very many beautiful experiences with him and fond memories. Not everyone can say that about a parent and while I’ve missed him growing up, wishing he could share in my major life experiences, I’ll gladly take the memories. They are a beautiful gift.

We don't remember days, we remember moments. I am so very thankful for these moments.

I reigned in my new year with grace. In all honesty, it was the most fun, carefree and memorable day I’ve had in a long time. I spent a few hours doing something I love: tango. I shared a few beautiful tandas with one of my favorite leads and had a lot of fun with perfect strangers that are simply there to share in the passion of the dance and the love of the music. While I could have easily tangoed the night away and barely let my feet touch the ground, the world’s best boyfriend wanted to celebrate with me and I was recently given a new revelation: He doesn’t like dancing and only stuck around in tango because of me. No one has ever made me feel more valued, treasured or cherished as this man and I consider myself to be one extremely lucky lady. He’s my friend, my protector, my spiritual comrade and my rock.

You are my rock, my here and now, my everything - and for that I thank you. 

I left the milonga early to spend time with him. He greeted me with red roses and swept me off my feet . . . . literally – because he insisted on carrying me over rain puddles so my delicate feet didn’t get wet. Thank you for saving me from the rain. We ended the night with a beautiful dinner and one of our long conversations that could have easily stretched into the wee hours of the morning. It didn’t this time. I’ve just gotten over some sort of nasty bug and the world’s best boyfriend caught it because he insisted on taking care of me while I was at home feeling miserable. He still wasn’t feeling well on my birthday, but was determined to spend time with me anyway. Have I mentioned how lucky I am?

Sweeping me off my feet - it looked something like this; but there was rain and puddles everywhere

I’ve made an effort to get back into my spiritual practices and expressions of gratitude. I thought smudging might help my boyfriend feel better with some of the issues he’s facing in life. For those of you who don’t know what smudging is, it’s a Native practice that is used for cleansing and healing. While I’ve performed smudging in my room and on myself, I’ve never done so on another person. This meant I had to consult with experts . . . . which was really an excuse to go to my favorite place in the pacific north west: Mystery Gallery.

I love this place because just by walking in the store I feel like my spirits are lifted and the owners obviously care about what they do and the people they help through their work. It’s a small family owned business. I discussed my mission with the husband who gave me some tips for smudging and when I asked for some form of stone that would help my boyfriend I was pointed to one for grounding. For the record, the world’s best boyfriend loves it and that makes me happy. The smudging session was longer than I anticipated and required a very intense focus on my end, but it was therapeutic for both of us.

Smudging. We have much to learn from the Natives.

Imagine my surprise when a couple of days later my boyfriend shows up with a gift for me: a wolf pendant on a dainty silver necklace. Few people have ever given me something so meaningful. I wear it every day and since I first opened that box it was immediately my favorite piece of jewelry and a constant reminder of him - and also my fearless she-wolf.

I have not just one, but TWO fearless guardians. 

I’m still a work in progress. He accepts me as I am. He’s teaching me to accept myself as I am. I’ve learned to let go of my expectations of what I think life should be and accept it as it is. Did I think I’d be here ten years ago? Not even close. Am I okay with that? You betcha. I'm elated. 

I can't see what's just around the bend. I have no idea, actually, and it's really not possible if one wants to take in each and every present moment. 

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  - Joseph Campbell

Beauty Is Truth's Smile

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love.” – Mother Theresa

I was told this would be a cherished time in my life. While the source of that pearl of wisdom may be right, I just can’t see it right now. Her stance was that men won’t always find me attractive and now that they’re practically throwing themselves at my feet I should relish in it as long as I can. Honestly, I don’t want to and I could care less about the attention.

From the way she talks, one would think I had the face that launched a thousand ships . . .  if you don't know that reference you're dead to me. 

What I’ve wanted – all I’ve wanted is a friend. This is where I have run into snags. I’ve learned that most men and I have a very different definition of what a friend really is. I treat my male friends the same as I treat my female comrades. I’m affectionate – but I have my limits. I do not want to make out with or have sex with a male friend; I think this goes far beyond friendship. Because of this very big misunderstanding, I’ve found myself in situations I don’t want to be in and reasserting my boundaries over and over again. I sound and feel like a broken record.

Those experiences aside, I believe that I have loved until it hurts – it hurt very much; and love is reemerging. I’m not celebrating yet because I know there could be another trigger; and that’s okay. I have experienced myself at my worst. I survived it. I can survive it again. I am beginning to feel like I did before all of the bad memories started to resurface, before I was assaulted, because I felt powerless to stop what was occurring in my life. I’m happy and once again finding joy in even the smallest of things. I’m still working on not thinking I’m going to ruin everything I touch, that nothing good can possibly come my way because my existence is somehow a form of cancer. I don’t know what embedded this thought in my mind. I’ve carried it with me for many years and I’m working really hard to snuff it out.

I have grieved the Beloved. I’m still processing. I’m allowing patience for myself and asking the same from others. I don’t want to find that I’m simply leaping from one thing to another just because my heart was broken for a while. I don’t want someone to attempt to ‘fix’ me. It will come on its own; and time has become my new best friend. I’ve seen him (the Beloved) on a couple of occasions. The last time we ran into each other we weren’t both scrambling for the door to get away from one another; we even exchanged a few words.

I have yet to decide if I’m still grieving him or the memories of him. I said once that no matter the outcome, my time with him would be one of the most cherished. It still is. Despite the ending, it still is. If he’s still searching for that part of himself he was struggling to find, I hope it comes to him.

The Universe has so much more for you, Beloved.

My time of mourning seemed to function as some sort of pheromone – or perhaps it is because I’ve been guarding my heart with tenacity and ferocity. I have no idea why this personality quirk would be attractive to anyone.

This is my future - I have accepted it.

I have learned to resist immediately responding to a compliment from a male with, “f*ck off.” I was told by someone with far more intuition and wisdom than I that I give a lot of love to others and I need to extend that to myself. As I’ve attempted to turn some of that energy inward I’m more open to others and don’t look at them like a rabid guard dog that will attack before they get too close. As I learn to trust myself again, I trust the world around me.

These are my guardians - my guidance when I don't know where to go.

On the note of trust, I met someone several weeks ago at a milonga. He introduced himself and said he was in my tango class. While I smiled and was cordial, I remember thinking to myself, “Yeah right, a**hole! I’ve heard it all before.” Seriously – I have heard it all before. I was extremely guarded and suspicious. As it turns out, he is in my tango class. Damn. It.

He did express interest in me from the beginning. I had grown so tired of the attention, so tired of the lies and so tired of the ingenuine that would do anything just to have my attention for a second. I didn’t want the attention. I didn’t want the connection . . .  I merely wanted to hole myself away for a while.

I can just lay here for a while, right? 

I was honest with him. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and still trying to get over someone. I didn’t understand what had taken place – it was far bigger than I am. I merely wanted space to sort it out. I asked him for friendship; while he expressed his objection, he honored my request and respected the boundaries I set. He’s granted me the space to approach him at my own pace thus far. 

"Beauty is truth's smile when she beholds her own face in a perfect mirror."  - Rabindranath Tagore

Pain and Beauty

"Every nerve that can thrill with pleasure can also agonize with pain." - Horace Mann

I find the truth behind that quote mind boggling.

I've had to acknowledge and accept a few hard facts of life lately. I don't like it, but I know it's necessary. I've realized that if I want to make an impact for the greater good, I have to be able to stand and face the ugliness . . . and give it a severe thrashing. I'm not quite there yet. 

I'm learning to be more self aware. If I am too emotionally charged I'm useless. Nobody wins. This is just how it is. Sometimes the emotional pain is far too much. I can't describe it, but I know that those who have felt it understand. There have been occasions that all I can do is wail while simultaneously falling into a useless slump.

I have to acknowledge the vulnerability. I have to acknowledge the anger. I have to acknowledge the pain. These are all part of me, no matter how hard I try to pretend these aren't facets of what makes me and my personality. I've pretended my whole life that these are characteristics that don't pertain to me. Sometimes people see through that facade, no matter how hard I try to present myself as an unbreakable pillar. 

Sometimes this pain is so overwhelming that it turns to numbness. We go through the motions of life because it's what is expected of us. There is no joy and it's difficult to see past the few glimpses of happiness we're given. There is nothing left but self loathing and doubt. There is nothing left but wailing if we still have that in us. There is nothing left but despair; and how we present ourselves is entirely different from what we feel. It's like we're nothing but an empty casing that covers a very shaky framework. 

Something I don't yet understand is when we are our weakest, when we are our most vulnerable, we shut the rest of the world out. I don't know why others do it, but I know that I've built a wall at times because I don't want people to see my vulnerability and I don't think my emotional baggage is something for them to deal with. I've found that some want to share the burden out of pure compassion. This is part of being human. It's difficult to ask for help because we've been conditioned from a young age with the belief that we always have to stand on our own two feet. Supporting one another shows more strength than standing alone. 

Someone I love has challenged me to let the wall down and share those emotions, because that's precisely what I've asked of him. I've laid my emotions bare and made myself vulnerable to him already. He hasn't tried to break me, yet I'm still afraid. For him, I'll try . . .  and for myself, this is a long work in progress. His presence alone has awakened emotions that I never knew existed - and I still can't describe them. I'm still left wordless, breathless and in awe. 

The events in my life that have been so ugly, so painful . . . so numbing have somehow shaped what I am today. There are things that I've seen and experienced that I sometimes think should never be shared; I should never speak of them. I acknowledge that I can only carry so much for so long. When I can't stand on my own two feet, it's time to reach out and not give in to the numbing abyss of emotional anguish. When we think we are most unloved is when we are loved the most. It took me a long time to see it, but I did eventually. I hope he sees it, too. 

On that note, this entire process has been a challenge. I've been frustrated and I have no doubt he's frustrated by me - yet neither one of us has given up on this. 'This' is something I can't quite describe. He exists, I exist, and we both exist in it. It makes sense to me, but I doubt it will to many others. The things I want to shield him from are the very same emotions he wants me to share with him. I have been forced to acknowledge more of the darker side of my personality because of him, but I don't regret it. I am grateful. I am grateful because these are characteristics of myself that I've avoided for a very long time. I knew that I'd have to face them eventually . . . . and it appears as though that time is now. Challenge accepted, Universe. 

I see him going through the same phases and emotions that I experienced not too long ago . . . although his are likely for entirely different reasons. He's sorting out the positives and negatives in his life. I remember that experience. The process was not pretty. I felt even more secluded and alone. I doubt it will be as lonely for him as it was for me, but it's still difficult. I needed time to grieve some of those losses, even though I knew that the friendships were toxic. I tell him as often as I can that I'm here. He is loved. He is cherished. I hope when he's working through some of the darkest issues that he remembers those words. I meant everything I said. I have no doubt that others are giving him similar encouragement. Beautiful Soul, I am here. Let me love you.

I've seen glimpses, Beautiful Soul. I'm not afraid. You are magnificent, even if you don't see it yet. 

Changing gears, I had yet another victory. I think 2013 is the year of Ava. Last week, I was able to sit sandwiched in between two men. I didn't panic. I didn't try to run. I didn't reach for my beating stick. In fact, it didn't effect me at all. 

Just a few days ago I was beginning to go into another wretched PTSD relapse. I managed to catch it this time and I am still in amazed. I'm stunned because I've always viewed it as a beast that controlled me and I was helpless against it. 

I felt it coming. The rumination. The obsession over things that were said and things that were left unsaid. The obsession over experiences in my life that I'd rather forget that still plague me with their presence. This form of thinking is followed by the doubt, the self loathing, the fear. It eventually feels like there's a demonic presence in my mind that tells me I'm nothing. I'll never be good enough. I'm unlovable and I am worthless. I finally recognized it. I acknowledged that part of me and told it to go away; I distracted myself to the best of my capabilities. I told myself repeatedly throughout the day that I am a radiant being of light. 

I went to tango class and randomly hugged my dancing partner. She and I shared an amazing synergy together and I thoroughly enjoyed dancing with her. She kept her eyes closed when I was leading, as I often do when someone else is leading me. I was elated when I saw her face light up because we were connecting with movement; she intuitively knew where I was going. This is another aspect of humanity. We care for one another, we feel for one another, and we connect. It's beautiful.  It took me a long time to see it, but it truly is. By the end of the day, I felt nothing but joy and the first thing I told myself when I woke up was this, "I am a radiant being of light." I believed it this time. 

I'm keeping track for the new year. Ava - 2, PTSD - 0. I am winning. I can't describe the happiness I feel in these victories because I always thought this was something that had complete control over me. I now see that I can control it with a little bit of work and constant self awareness . . . and neither of these are negative things.

These boots are made for walkin'. I have arrived. 

After cutting out the negativity from my life, I am receiving positive. I don't deny the process was excruciating. I had no one and I was still experiencing the aftermath of the last two years. I started to reach out to the world around me and eventually the good came. I lack the words to describe how beautiful the latter process of this part has been. I think I'm seeing the world as it should be for the first time. All of the pieces are coming together and it's beginning to make sense. 

Beautiful Soul, it exists for you, too. I'm here. Don't ever think you're alone.

Touch Wood. Touch Gold.

“Selflessness is humility . . . humility and freedom go hand in hand. Only a humble person can be free.” ~ Jeff Wilson

Of the many things I admire and respect about Pavarthi and Vijay is their humility. They have accomplished and overcome so many things in their lives, yet one wouldn’t ever know it because they simply don’t talk about it . . . unless they’re talking about one another. It is obvious they admire one another a great deal. I challenge anyone to watch them and not smile. I think this task is impossible.

Vijay worked for NASA and was a pioneer in the development of vehicle airbags and solar energy panels. Pavarthi has done extensive research on DNA repair (among many other things) and is at long last organizing her data for submission. Her research was put on hold for some time when she was ill and on the brink of death. She survived and believes she is a better person for it. Vijay also nearly faced death once; I don’t know much about his experience.

In the face of such adversity, Vijay and Pavarthi have not only survived, but radiate a loving kindness to anyone who may cross their path.

After dinner – when I was stuffed to the brim and hardly able to walk – I drove them home and we chatted over a glass of wine. Pavarthi immediately presented a plate of cookies and Vijay chided her. My immediate reaction was to laugh at the entire scenario: here we are from two very different cultures. Out of custom and stellar hostess skills, Pavarthi continued to present me with food. Not wanting to be rude, I accepted until I could no longer consume one more morsel. Now I was convinced that she was attempting to lure me into a food comma from which I would never wake.

Can't . . . Move.

I attended a Buddhist church once many years ago. One of the sermons stood out to me in a very profound way: the speaker compared humanity to a vine of pumpkins – we are individual, yet connected – therefore when one suffers, we all do and when one rejoices, we all share in that as well. I’ve always thought this is a beautiful concept. Vijay gave me yet another viewpoint of this concept. He spoke of an invisible line that connects us all and when I think of another and smile, this is how we are connected and this is the friendship we share.

Pavarthi and Vijay showed me breathing exercises to help me circulate more oxygen and endorphins into my brain. I always feel rejuvenated when I do them and am finding they fit in nicely when I light one of my candles at night.

I have struggled a good deal lately with my sense of self worth and there are many reasons and events tied into this. Pavarthi and Vijay made a point of telling me how impressive and wonderful I am. They told me of a teacher in India whom they worked with for many years and his message was this, “Love ever and hurt never.” First, never hurt yourself; then learn not to hurt others. I am working on loving myself. I find it very difficult at times when I feel so alone, but then I think of the pumpkins on the vine and invisible line and smile to myself.

I think Universe and the Divine work in ways I could never possibly understand. I had been hurting for such a long time and then I met Pavarthi and Vijay who have emitted such a comforting and radiant light into my life. My only regret is that I hadn’t met them sooner. They will be heading off for a road trip soon before they return to India. They have declared themselves my godparents. Yay! I’ve never had godparents.  

I was recently gifted a very large container of Mocha Rocha and instructed to consume every calorie and not share with anyone. Of course, the givers of such a delicacy were Vijay and Pavarthi with a very touching note attached that says, ‘Sweet Mocha Rocha for Sweet Ava’.

Pavarthi tells me that one of her prayers for me is to get married and have children. I smiled as she revealed this; I’ve secretly always wanted to be a soccer mom. On our last encounter, Pavarthi wagged her finger at me and said, “You will come to Bangalor!’ Yes, Love, I will. Touch wood. Touch Gold. May it be so. Namaste. 

My godparents and me. I miss you already. 

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” 
~ Rumi