Cabaceo

“Flirting is a woman’s trade, one must keep in practice.” – Charlotte Brontë

One of my favorite parts of the tango culture is the ‘cabaceo’. This is how one asks for a dance. I feel like I am honing this down to near perfection. Basically – when two people make eye contact and through a raise of eyebrows or a nod of the head, it is agreed that they will exchange a dance together. I’m not sure if it’s intended to be so, but I add a flirtatious flare to it. I will stare at someone from across the room until I practically burrow a hole into his head. When he can no longer ignore me, I smile coquettishly and raise my eyebrows while slightly gesturing my head to the dance floor. I was recently complimented on my method just because I make it fun.

I will cabaceo you so hard. 

Also, there’s the shoes and dresses. I would be hard pressed to find a woman who does not enjoy an excuse for frilly dresses and shoes.

It seems as though distinct hierarchy exists within the tango community. I haven’t learned how it works exactly – only that there’s a definite ‘in’ crowd and other subsets that  bicker among themselves over what is considered appropriate posture, embrace, footwork, etc. I know some people take this very seriously. I happen to take nothing in life seriously. My experience on this earth is far too short to nitpick at others and I prefer to have fun instead. If there is no fun to be had, I make it happen. Truth.

There are two dancers in the community, both with equally out of the norm styles of dancing. One happens to be very popular, the other is not. He is treated as a pariah within the community and I’ve seen this poor fellow rejected time and time again as he requests dances from women. I’ve always found him fascinating. When I watch him on the dance floor he is experiencing something with the music entirely different from everyone else. I happen to thoroughly enjoy dancing with him because he is so different and also because he’s been so encouraging in my beginning stages of tango.

The popular dancer is someone I’d describe as a live wire – both in his style of dancing and also in his personality. I was equally fascinated by him as I watched him dance. His movements were quick and many; and by the end of the tanda he was often out of the pattern of movement altogether, having created his own track off to a corner somewhere.

I had a discussion with someone about these two dancers. The former was described to me as someone who ‘does not dance tango’ and the latter was described as someone who ‘feels every beat and movement within the music’. From an outsider’s perspective, it all boils down to popularity. Why one style would be accepted over the other is beyond me. I think it’s snobbish and ostracizing. Then again, I’m still a novice and perhaps I know nothing at all.

"Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." - Miguel Angel Ruiz

I still don't understand why we continue to do this to one another.

Gradually I’ve been branching out to different tango venues. There was a rather large one on a Thursday evening. I was asked to dance a couple of times throughout the evening. I’m more of a social creature than anything at all – so I engaged myself with a couple sitting next to me and learned that they were checking out the tango scene to see if it was something they wanted to learn. I still keep in touch with them and they have decided to give tango a shot. Word.

I was approached by someone later in the evening for a dance. As the milonga ended he asked if I wanted a practice partner. Yes I want a practice partner! Where have you been since I’ve been dancing tango?! I soon learned that he wanted far more than a practice partner. In fact, he was quite serious about me from the beginning.

This is where I’m surprised. I had quite literally been telling men to f*ck off for months because I had grown SO tired of feeling objectified and for my kindness being mistaken for flirtation. No. If I wanted to flirt with you, I’d give you one hell of a cabeceo. This tanguero did not evoke a response of annoyed and suppressed rage that everyone else who dared approach me had received.

I have been nothing short of overwhelmed by the amount of affection he showers on me. I’ve told him as much and have asked him to be patient with me more than anything else. He says he adores me. It’s taking me longer to come around – I’m not quite sure that I’m ready for something of this magnitude and have told him as much. His response was to tell me to go with it. 

I’m taking it in stride. I have no inclinations as to what the future holds. We get along well thus far and yet are so very different in many ways. I wonder if there will be a clash at some point. Perhaps there's an adventure; perhaps there's a tragedy. Perhaps this will only be a mere blink in the span of my life. I struggle with the intensity on his end.

Within the last week or so, I ran into my former beloved at a couple of milongas. The first time we avoided each other for as long as possible. It was crowded that night and the weather was warm. I happened to step outside for air just as he was coming back inside. We couldn’t avoid each other this time. I gave him a head nod. He said hello. That was all there was to it. A few days later we attended the same milonga yet again. This time it was pure avoidance.

If it weren’t for his watchdog pack, I might take a moment to exchange pleasantries with him. Two members of his guardians in particular seem to go out of their way to glare at me – I think they tag team or something. Those two gals are what make the scenario most awkward for me.  Actually, I think ‘hostile’ is a more adequate description. I think there are a few things these two ladies don’t know about me: 1) I don’t care about my reputation 2) I make my own fun 3) I will laugh at you for your attempts to make me miserable 4) I find it flattering that you are putting so much effort into stamping out my presence 5) I’m still laughing.

I'm still laughing, ladies!

While taking another tango course at PSU for my own fun and enjoyment, I met someone I’ll call Nelly. At first, Nelly came across as socially awkward. Also, I know what sort of superficial world we live in. It initially angered me when she attended milongas and wasn’t asked to dance. How can people be so f*cking superficial? I asked myself. Over a few weeks it seemed to be her attitude that kept others at bay. I made it a point to attend every milonga Nelly planned on attending so she’d have someone to keep her company. I would be exhausted after these outings and finally realized the cause of my lethargy was being so close to her, and receiving what she has been putting out into the Universe. 

Nelly seems happier lately. This pleases me because I don't think she realized what kind of energy she was emanating.  In fact, I'd say she's radiant. That's a good start, Nelly. Keep at it. In the words of Rumi: 'Live where you fear to live. Be notorious'. Your perception is your reality and the world is only as good as you make it. Rejection is difficult. I know this. On that note, it’s far more enriching to live life without caring what others think. This is not easy to achieve, but once you get there life is nothing but joyous and beautiful. 

Karma, Suitors and Tango Cliques

“The ground we walk on, the plants and creatures, the clouds above constantly dissolving into new formations – each gift of nature possessing its own radiant energy, bound together by cosmic harmony.”  - Ruth Bernhard

I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve run into that are amazed by how I look these days. The word I hear the most is ‘radiant’. Not only do I take this as a huge compliment, but it also tells me that I have begun to process and let go of the pain I was feeling over the loss of someone I loved very deeply – the only person I’ve ever loved that deeply. Don’t get me wrong, there are still days I want to kick myself for everything that took place; not just my actions, but for the actions against me that I allowed. I am my harshest critic and I’m learning to be kinder to myself.

This is what people see in me - the wonder, the awe, the joy

Part of my ‘Chakracise’ is learning to reflect positively. One thought I’ve used quite a bit in meditation lately is this: “Every decision made is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. Relinquish the regret and choose the miracle.” I can look at some of the most ugly things in life I’ve experienced and even if I can’t find a miracle in the actual incident, I can still tell myself that I’m here. Considering the quantity of ugliness I’ve encountered throughout my life, I’d say I’m doing handling it quite smashingly. Even during the times I feel like I’m breaking and life is just too heavy, there is a miracle because I still strive to find something positive. There are days I have to push a little harder, but there is beauty. There is beauty and that’s a miracle.

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” – Buddha

The more I’ve ventured out of my comfort zone while simultaneously gradually immersing myself in the world of tango I’ve discovered how very cliquish it is. I was told about these cliques, but had not yet witnessed these groups in action.

I went out last night to a venue I’d never been to before. I didn’t know a single soul there. A friend said she was definitely going and a couple of others said they may make an appearance. Guess who got stood up? Part of me thinks I had it coming simply for the way I treated someone recently, and this is where I go off on a tangent.

He recognized me when he spotted me on campus. I kept avoiding eye contact because I didn’t want to talk to him and I couldn’t for the life of me remember why. He did not pick up on my attempt to avoid him completely and approached me where I was sitting with my head down pretending to read. He asked me how I was doing. I couldn’t remember his name until he told me and I still couldn’t remember why I wanted nothing to do with him. He suggests we meet for drinks to catch up. I agreed to it simply because I desperately wanted to remember what it was about this guy that made me want to kick him.

THIS is the type of guy I attract. I'm doing something wrong. 

So, we meet for drinks and he talks about a sociology professor at PSU. He worships the guy and I happen to despise this professor. In fact, said professor landed himself in hot water a year ago for having affairs with his students. Note the plural? This professor in question isn’t a good person. As our conversation was taking place, I was still trying to remember why I stopped talking to this guy to begin with.

I went home that night. It was the beginnings of spring break and I had wanted to do some journaling for some time. It had been so long since I’d written in that book; when I opened it to begin writing I saw that my very last entry was about the guy who approached me on campus. I was then reminded why I didn’t want to associate myself with him: he had acted callously and unkind. So what do I do with this information? Please don’t judge me too harshly with the words that follow.

I receive a text from the guy who approached me at PSU and it was apparent from the beginning that he really only wanted to get in my pants . . . . not happening. So, he’d arrange to meet with me and I was consistently canceling at the last minute – and I’d make the dumbest excuses: I’m giving my dog a bath, I’m washing my hair, I’m practicing rocket science. Despite this, he persisted. I then began to blatantly ignore him for days at a time. I finally realized that what I was doing was just flat out wrong and I came clean and told him I didn’t want his presence in my life. He responded that I ‘had more to do’ with us not speaking for so long. Umm . . . I do not care. What I do care about is my behavior. In spite of him being a jerk, there’s really no reason for me to seek vengeance and take out all of my frustrations on him by being negligent and uncaring.

Yeah . . . I wasn't nice. I'm not proud of it. 

I think whatever we put into the Universe is what comes back. It’s not my place to act out against another. With that in mind, I think I deserved what happened last night. I’m generally a fairly outgoing person. I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone. Truth. When I first arrived there weren’t many dancers, so I saw someone sitting by herself, walked over, introduced myself and asked a million questions about her. She wound up being swept off by someone she dances with often.

Watch and learn . . .  or just keep swimming

So, I sat. I waited. I took in the scene. Even when I’m not dancing, I can learn a thing or two just from watching feet. As I sat there, it began to become more crowded as the night wore on. I then began to see the clique groups that had been mentioned. I started to tune into conversations; it was nothing more than blatant gossip. I felt like I was back in high school. In particular, the private high school that I loathed.

I thought people would grow out of this eventually. I'm beginning to have doubts. 

Eventually I see a friend of my former beloved walk in. I have seen her on campus countless times. I’ve smiled, waved; I’ve even said hello. Every time I’ve been ignored. I eventually gave up because it was obvious that she wanted nothing to do with me. Also, this was long before things between the former beloved and I went terribly wrong. The difference last night is that she acknowledged my presence by actually looking in my direction – but this was not to offer a smile, only an icy cold stare. I wasn’t particularly comfortable, especially because I didn’t know anyone in the room. Thank goodness for the wine. Truth.

I think there was an hour of the event left. I had grown tired of listening to the gossip and the looks of disdain from someone I hardly knew that reminded me of a person I loved and lost. It was just a bit too close of a connection for my liking. I texted the disgustingly cute barista that works in the coffee shop of the PSU library. He tells me to head his way and I oblige. ‘Radiant’ is the first thing he says when he sees me. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on and we spent a few hours catching up on our individual spring break escapades. I probably could have talked to him all night, we have done that on occasion, but he and I both are trying to stay on top of our last term at PSU. Instead I left smiling because his smile is infectious. Truth. I need more people like that in my life.

Complete acceptance and encouragement. I am thankful for the friends who keep cheering me on. 

While I have lately been described as radiant, I still question what sort of vibes I’m sending out to the world. Within the span of only two weeks, I’ve had several men attempt to enter my life and attempt to manipulate. I used to never see that sort of thing coming, now I can spot it before it even begins. If I say that I’m not available, I am not relationship material and I have no desire whatsoever to connect with you on any level – I mean it. One guy in particular wasn’t listening and attempting to use whatever flaws in my character that he knew of against me solely for the purpose of manipulation. I eventually went off. I didn’t hit below the belt, I didn’t call him names or say anything out of cruelty, I simply expressed anger and this surprised him. It surprised me, too. Ava grew a backbone. Who knew?

Seriously, Dude. I couldn't have said it any plainer. 

I can look at the vast majority of the last few weeks as a grievance: the slew of men that are black on the inside that manage find their way into my orbit, the fact that I’m attracting aforementioned men, the cliquishness of a community that is supposed to be ‘social’, the flakey people, the consistent reminders of someone I loved very much and the glares of someone who doesn’t know me. I choose not to. I embrace the miracle.

I see a miracle in my ability to stand up for myself for once, a miracle in the beauty of a dance that I still love, a miracle in the joy I feel when I’m dancing in any form of movement, and a miracle in the people in my life that continue to remind me that I am treasured, valued, radiant and worthy of the best things in life. Today is a miracle. I embrace it. 

I've got the world on a swing. Not string; the swing is far more entertaining. 

"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein