In The Beginning There Was Dancing

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth . . .  not going all the way, and not starting.” ~ Buddha

I remember a friend’s words to me when I felt broken and just wanted to give up, “You have an inner strength that is holding you up even if you can’t see it right now.” I didn’t believe him then.  I never thought I was strong or brave and certainly didn’t think enough of myself to know that I would endure it all. Reflecting on this past year, I believe him now.

It wasn’t easy. I spent a long time reclaiming my body and have just begun to reclaim my spirit. The latter part has been a beautiful awakening. As frustrated as I became, as much as I pleaded for the pain and burden to be taken away – it remained. I endured; I always do - and I am better for it. If there was ever a doubt in my mind that I was breakable, it no longer exists.

I look at the end result from all of this: Those that truly cared stayed and those that needed to move in a different direction are gone. There were times I felt isolated, alone and misunderstood.  Sometimes I thought the pain and numbing would take over and an empty shell would remain. I trudged on by myself because it was necessary; life doesn’t hold us by the hand. I called on the strength of those who have gone before me and the memories of them encouraged me to move forward when nothing else would. I find comfort in the thought that a part of them is still with me.

I have been told so often that what happened was nothing personal and only had to do with power. Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I still can’t talk about it because all I want to do is cry and I usually feel as if I'm going to throw up. Those two feelings are unpleasant. Instead of looking behind me, I can look forward and rejoice for the present moment and my hope for things to come.

I was emotionally dead for so long. I wanted to separate myself from the only world I knew - it felt harsh and frightening at times. I can see now that it was only a small few that didn't deserve that place in my life to begin with. I now find myself blissfully aware of every current moment – I can only describe it as a dreamlike state in which I hope to remain. Perhaps this is what life should have been all along.

With the coming new year, all I can say is that I am ready. I am watching, waiting and dancing. My heart is as open as the sky.

“Dance when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”  ~ Rumi

I'm Dreaming

“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting”  - J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

More than once over the last few days I’ve thought I must be dreaming.  I’m breathless. I’m speechless. I can’t find the words to describe how much he means to me. Apparently I’m also without balance because I nearly keeled over  thinking I would die from joy the last time I was with him. Since then, it has become apparent to me why my then boyfriend was so pissed off when I spent time with him. I just didn’t see it then . . .  but I do now. How could I have missed it?

The surreal state I’m in continues. I am overjoyed and I recently realized I’m scared as hell. I have what can only be described as just plain ugly whenever I experience a relapse. These states leave me anxious, fearful and angry. I finally came out of the last one after nearly two years. Why so long? Because I crossed paths with some asshole and his actions managed to undo nearly three years of progressive therapy.  I wish I could just dump the memories and leave the emotions behind, but it doesn’t work that way. I have to trudge through them sometimes and I don’t want him exposed to that. Ever. I want to shield him from it.

I’m already worried that I’ll somehow manage to screw things up and then he’d be gone forever. I hesitated before I kissed him, I hesitated before I laid my soul bare before him because I’d rather have him in my life than not.  I also hesitated because I feared rejection. At least I can say I conquered the fear of the unknown.

Still, I proceed with caution. I’m sure we’ve all experienced this at some point. I’ve been wondering if I’m doing this right.  I wonder if I should call or text . . . am I coming on too strong? Am I not doing enough? Is my mascara running? Does this dress make my butt look big? For the record, I’ve never asked a male that last question because it’s cruel and unnecessary.

He is without a doubt one of the best things that has ever entered my life and if I had known several years ago that our paths would cross again, no one else on earth would have ever existed to me.  Whatever the outcome may be, I know this chapter in my life will be one of the most treasured.