I'm Dreaming

“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting”  - J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

More than once over the last few days I’ve thought I must be dreaming.  I’m breathless. I’m speechless. I can’t find the words to describe how much he means to me. Apparently I’m also without balance because I nearly keeled over  thinking I would die from joy the last time I was with him. Since then, it has become apparent to me why my then boyfriend was so pissed off when I spent time with him. I just didn’t see it then . . .  but I do now. How could I have missed it?

The surreal state I’m in continues. I am overjoyed and I recently realized I’m scared as hell. I have what can only be described as just plain ugly whenever I experience a relapse. These states leave me anxious, fearful and angry. I finally came out of the last one after nearly two years. Why so long? Because I crossed paths with some asshole and his actions managed to undo nearly three years of progressive therapy.  I wish I could just dump the memories and leave the emotions behind, but it doesn’t work that way. I have to trudge through them sometimes and I don’t want him exposed to that. Ever. I want to shield him from it.

I’m already worried that I’ll somehow manage to screw things up and then he’d be gone forever. I hesitated before I kissed him, I hesitated before I laid my soul bare before him because I’d rather have him in my life than not.  I also hesitated because I feared rejection. At least I can say I conquered the fear of the unknown.

Still, I proceed with caution. I’m sure we’ve all experienced this at some point. I’ve been wondering if I’m doing this right.  I wonder if I should call or text . . . am I coming on too strong? Am I not doing enough? Is my mascara running? Does this dress make my butt look big? For the record, I’ve never asked a male that last question because it’s cruel and unnecessary.

He is without a doubt one of the best things that has ever entered my life and if I had known several years ago that our paths would cross again, no one else on earth would have ever existed to me.  Whatever the outcome may be, I know this chapter in my life will be one of the most treasured.