A Tale of Two Men

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I met someone through a series of events not so long ago. He lives in New Jersey. I was in the middle of personal turmoil from which I thought I’d never escape. He listened and he understood. We talked on a daily basis and he supported me through things I never thought I’d get over.  

I’ve discovered I have a threshold when it comes to chaotic, sad or dramatic events. While this may not seem like a lot to you, reader, I assure you that it felt like the weight of a thousand basset hounds while I trudged through it. Within about the span of a month, I broke up with my best friend, I was told that the position I had temporarily filled would be given to someone else, I learned that this guy that had been consistently flirting with me was actually married, my car broken down and needed major repairs, and then October hit – and I freaking hate October.

In my mind, this is what October looks like.

I’ll break these down a little for the sake of insight. My former best friend and I had been super close for most of our lives. Despite how much it hurt, I still miss her sometimes. The position I wanted was something that I was thrilled to be a part of, even for a short time. I wasn’t disappointed about being let go, only how they went about it. I was working through a temp agency and officially applied for the position. I was then told that they had narrowed it down to five applicants; I was included and was given the date and time for an interview. When I went upstairs at the allotted time, there was no interview, only my supervisor there to tell me that they wouldn’t be keeping me. Ouch.

The attractive fellow flirting with me hit a little close to home because I found out he was married and had to practically pull his teeth out to get him to admit it. This emotional affair was initiated by him. It stung a bit deeper because I was unknowingly someone’s mistress once before and I still struggle to comprehend why human beings continue to treat one another like garbage.

The new term started and I was wrapping up my time with the employer that was letting me go. Despite their unsavory actions, I made an extra effort to get everything up to speed for the person filling my position. I updated the manual. The one that existed when I arrived was outdated by about five years. In a company of this size, policies and procedures are constantly changing.I even made a nicely organized file with all of the forms, signatures and templates that would be needed at some point. When I stepped in, I had to hunt those down myself. 

I felt like doing this more often than not. 

Just as all of this was ending, Mr. New Jersey made plans to fly out to meet me in person. I can say with full honesty that he is perhaps one of the nicest, patient, and generous people I’ve ever known. Despite his nature, I was tense during his visit. Little trivial things he did really got under my skin. The way he talked to me at times irritated me – it was as if he were speaking to a 4 year old child.

We went for a hike with my dogs. He wanted to hold my hand and stop every five minutes to kiss me. Again, this irritated me. 

Please. Stop. Touching. Me.

I chalked it up to the series of events that coincided with New Jersey’s visit. However, it’s been a little over a month since that visit and I’ve done nothing but try to pinpoint how I really felt towards him. Soon after his return home he began plans for a December visit and there was a constant feeling of anxiety every time we talked about his next journey to the west coast.

He sent me anywhere between five and ten text or facebook messages a day. For every one I responded to, three more were sent to me. I turned this over in my mind and thought that if it were me behaving in this way I would be told that my actions weren’t healthy and borderline obsessive.

While school genuinely had me busy (who has that kind of time to respond to that amount of texts?!), I distanced myself from him to sort out what was really going on in my mind.

Finding a place of emotional solitude is quite difficult when social media is constantly nagging at you.

My conclusion came to this: we’re just not right for each other. I don’t mind PDA. In fact, I rather like locking lips with someone I deeply care for in a public display that says, Yeah, ladies. Isn’t he fabulous?! I love him so much that I couldn't resist him for a moment longer.”  

What I originally chalked up to a chaotic series of events was my psyche telling me, "STOP!" He's serious and he's intense. I wish I could care for him. I truly do. He is a good person. However,  there are other good people in this world, and these things can't be forced. When I finally made the much dreaded phone call, I told him as much. It all feels superficial and fake to me; and that's the truth.

I kept waiting for the perfect time to tell him. Mr. New Jersey was effected by Hurricane Sandy. I felt like I was a horrible human being for not being supportive of him while he was sorting things out. I didn't want to have this conversation at the end of one of my exhaustive days; I didn't want to interrupt his life dealing with his hurricane torn house, his work, his family . . .  Most of all, I didn't want to hurt him. I have learned that there is no 'perfect time' for anything.

True to his nature, he understood and thanked me for my honesty.

I’ve apologized profusely because I don’t think this was very fair to Mr. New Jersey. Everything was falling apart when I met him. I was vulnerable, sad, lonely and confused and said things that I shouldn’t have. For that, I’m sorry. I'm the type of person that really needs time and space to consider something before I know how I feel about it - and sometimes that takes a while. For that, Mr. New Jersey, I am sorry. 

If you’re still reading I will now tell you about my latest epiphany. There’s a story behind this one as well.

Several years ago I met someone in my voice lessons class. Over time I became quite fond of him and didn’t realize how deep that fondness ran until he completely disappeared. I was crushed; I really was. I was also confused and self blaming because I felt as if the events in my life drove him away.

We reconnected and met up last week. I cried when he hugged me. True story. You've been missed, Old Friend.

My heart jumped for joy at the sight of him. 

He spent Thanksgiving with my family. He’s not a Portland native and has no family here. I can’t remember the last time I felt so unequivocally happy; I was afraid I had forgotten the emotion. I was happy because he was back in my life and being with him is the most natural thing in the world. Then it hit me: This is it. What exists between him and me - this is what I’m looking for.

His embrace is the most reassuring thing I’ve felt in some time and I am comfortable enough to be myself instead of some self absorbed neurotic mess.When he held me, the chaos in my mind subsided long enough for me to feel a calming peace. I confess it was hard for me to let go.

Is there anything beyond friendship for us? I really don’t know. Regardless, I am grateful. Even if he disappears tomorrow - I'll have had that experience that granted me clarity, peace, warmth and the inner glow that I thought was long gone. For these things, I am grateful.

Thank you, Old Friend. Thank you for showing me that I can be myself. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction because I was lost for a while.

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”  ~ Marcel Proust