Everything and Nothing

“Believe in nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” - Buddha

When it comes to healing, I’ve noticed that I’m really only working towards it when I feel tormented. I think I would make a heck of a lot more progress if I were spending time filling my arsenal when I actually have control of my senses. My solution is more self-care. I’ve been stretched way too thin for the last three months and have decided that I need to make more time for myself. It feels like a circus sometimes: appeasing everyone in your life, juggling a full time job in addition to weekend work (I’ve added it all up and it amounts to about 60 hours a week), my dogs, my family, my boyfriend and a hobby that I love, but my boyfriend does not. Half the time I’m just too exhausted to remember what I’m doing, why I’m there and what conversation has literally just taken place between me and another. While it pains me to do so, I’ve had to practice the use of ‘no’ and standing my ground when it comes to allowing myself outlets that contribute to my sense of wellbeing. I imagine when I can finally manage to get my life somewhere near where I’d like it to be, I can strap down and do some of the more in depth healing work – even though the thought of it scares me.

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” - Tagore

Diseases of the soul are more dangerous than those of the body.

I stumbled across a book recently that has turned out to be a gold mine for healing from trauma, appropriately titled, “The Trauma Toolkit”. The author, Susan Pease Banitt, talks about a central core that we all possess. It is an emotionless observer – the side of ourselves that is calm, watching, and entirely detached when our emotions are heightened out of fear or elation, and I imagine this is why time seems to stand still when we are in the midst of something traumatic. Banitt points to the psychological pioneers, Dr. Brian Weiss and Dr. Roger Woolger, whose extensive research in past life regression has affirmed that there is a part of our consciousness that is never born, never dies, exists outside of three-dimensional reality, and can never be hurt or wounded in any way.

“Meditation is the dissolution of thoughts in Eternal awareness or Pure consciousness without objectification, knowing without thinking, merging finitude in infinity.” - Volatire

I’ve acknowledged that this is something I need to believe. I need to believe that the people I’ve loved so fondly in this life were with me from the very beginning in whatever lives led up to this one and that I’ll find them again in the next. I need to believe that there is a part of us that exists outside of space and time, and this is part of the reason I still feel connected to my father and my grandmother – and somehow this is what has allowed me to have conversations with them when I’m dreaming.

There was a dream I had about my father. I saw him across the room at some sort of social gathering. He was the same age as I am now, which would be a true fact if he had somehow been frozen in time when he died so long ago. I began to argue with him. He couldn’t possibly be real; he was dead. This was his response, “I don’t know who lied to you. I’m not dead. I’ve only been gone for a while.” It still gives me goose bumps, even as I type these words, because that was such a profound message to me. He exists somewhere else, and I exist with him there.

Somewhere across space and time - another celestial shore.

I need to believe in this observant consciousness because I have no other way of explaining why I am unphased by so many, yet I can have inexplicably deep connections with others. My heart leapt at the sight of Pavarti. My soul knew hers, yet we had grown up in entirely different times and continents. I felt something stir in the deepest part of my soul when I met my boyfriend. I had no words for it and even still I struggle to describe it. A running joke between us is that we’ve been dating for ten years. While this is far from true, it certainly feels that way . . . and it kinda looks that way when others watch how he and I interact with each other. There are some that would say this could all be chalked up to chemistry, pheromones, hormones, proximity, Fate, God, the Universe, and so on. I’m, sure those are part of the puzzle as well. However, anyone who claims to know the capacities of the human psyche and depths of the soul with absolute certainty is an arrogant fool. We can never possibly know for certain, can we? The only thing I can say with certainty is that there are certain things I need to believe because those beliefs are comforting to me. It’s comforting to think that the people I love so deeply have never and will never truly leave me.

"Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness we birth our future." - Cloud Atlas

I need to believe in this form of consciousness because I have no other way of explaining how I can be perfectly content with doing everything and nothing into the wee hours of the morning with my boyfriend. I can’t picture a sweeter image. I can’t imagine a safer place than wrapped in his arms. I’ve never felt safer, more treasured, protected or adored. He is my happiness – just the thought of him brings a smile to my lips. I imagine it is this consciousness that makes any time spent away from him feel like eternity – some long drawn out and ancient form of torture. Perhaps it was this consciousness that made me want to run from him in the beginning because my own attraction was pulling me towards him with an intensity that I never knew; and maybe this consciousness will grant us another life together across another span of time.

Aquatic adventures! Remember when I took one for the team? 

“I didn’t want to give you the one last part of myself that I couldn’t take back . . . and then I realized it was already yours. It had been since the beginning.” – Lisa Kleypas, Dreaming of You

You believe it now, don't you? 

The Process of Transformation

“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” – Rachel Naomi Remen

It’s been 4 months and counting since I came out of my last relapse. I’m proud to say that this is a record for me. In conversation with a former professor, I told him how much I appreciated his research in brining science and spirituality together. It was my sense of survival that I found in spirituality that kept me moving forward – finding glimpses of joy when I felt I had none. Working with chakras helped me see that.

Nature has a strong effect on the chakras . . . .and dancing. Definitely dancing. And also wolves. That's my thing - don't question it; just let it happen.

What’s most surprising to me is that this professor who had dedicated most of his life to psychology said he could detect no symptoms of PTSD in my personality. How about that? I’m not dancing and rejoicing yet, because I know there’s a possibility of another trigger – but I’m hoping it’s not just wishful thinking on my part that I hashed out the worst of the worst when I finally realized the source of my anger and hurt.

I think it took a long time before I was ready to see that. I spent the better part of a year cutting people out of my life that weren’t good for me and I was quite lonely for a while. However, this forced me to look inward without the ability to distract myself with the issues, drama, and world views of another.

Trust is learned by our upbringing, I think. It takes patience to foster.  

For some time, people just didn’t recognize me – I had transformed that much.

A dear friend compared me to a butterfly once, because I fought so hard to come out of the cocoon. 

In his lecture, Healing the Luminous Body: The Way of the Shaman, Dr. Alberto Villoldo speaks of how trauma imprints us. He gives an example of a female patient who had seven relationships throughout her lifetime. Her relationship with these seven men each ended in the same place. She eventually discovered that she had had the same relationship with seven different men. By understanding our luminous body – the same concept demonstrated by Dr. Fritz-Albert Popp’s research – we have the ability to heal ourselves.

For now, I’ll rejoice in the transformation while recognizing there’s still a long way to go. I keep my mind open and attempt to do the same with my heart, however guarded it may be.

"Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before, but rather allowing what is now to move us closer to God." - Ram Dass

My heart will shine again, too. I know it. Compassion and love stem from the same place, right? 

Ignorance is Bliss

“The mad man drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight” – Joseph Campbell

I arranged for a planned encounter with the former beloved recently. It suddenly dawned on me that it had been well over six months since we drew daggers at one another and I was very much missing my favorite pair of turquoise feather earrings that I left in his room. 

I chatted away, asking him about life and the former beloved was stoic as usual. I mentioned my work with one of my former professors and getting to sit in on his psychology of spirituality course. Something the professor said gave me one of those ‘wow’ moments: Photons move in the same direction as DNA. I was explaining this to the former beloved. He gave me the look that silently told me I was feeble minded and said it was like comparing soft to black. I told him ignorance is bliss.

I don’t really believe that ignorance is bliss. However, I do recognize the need to keep a sense of wonder about the world. This is what moves us. I feel sorry for the beloved. He told me once he was trying to find his heart. I don’t think he will unless he’s willing to keep an open mind and that makes me sad for him.

As it turns out, Mr. Former-beloved-denial-pants, science and spirituality are beginning to find common ground and we may be witnessing a new renaissance; an awakening of world asleep for far too long. I imagine he’d still frown on what I’m about to say and find some flaw in my form of logic or the research I’m about to mention. To each their own, I guess.

I’ve heard the title ‘Father of Light’ bestowed on many, usually artists of some form. I think the true champion of this title is Dr. Fritz-Albert Popp. For the record, his research in biophoton emission has given weight to many spiritual claims that we are beings of light.

An old documentary filmed in the laboratory at the International Institute of Biophysics shows an experiment conducted by Dr. Popp. He opens a chamber approximately the size of a bread box and in this dark chamber he places a fresh cutting from a plant and a wooden match inside a plastic container and closes the light proof door. Dr. Popp then immediately switches on the photomultiplier and an image is shown on the computer screen: the match stick is black while the green, glowing silhouette of the leaves are clearly visible. Dr. Popp then says, “We now know, today, that man is essentially a being of light.”

Another claim backed by Dr. Popps research, “Biophoton emission and absorption are empirically measurable phenomenon of all living systems . . . There are about 100,000 chemical reactions happening in every cell with each second. The chemical reaction can only happen if the molecule which is reacting and excited by a photon . . .  Once the photon has excited a reaction is returns to the field and is available for more reactions. . . We are swimming in an ocean of light.”

Come on in. The water's fine. 

Popp applied his findings of electro-magnetic molecular signaling to acupuncture. According to the Chinese practice, the human body has a system of meridians, running deep in the tissue, through which flows ch'i, the life force. The ch’I enters the body through these acupuncture points and flows deeper into the organ structures, providing energy. Illness occurs when this energy is blocked at any point along the pathways. As Dr. Popp examined this Eastern practice, he noted that the meridian system transmits specific energy waves to specific zones of the body. Research has shown that many of the acupuncture points have a dramatically reduced electrical resistance compared with the surrounding skin. Dr. Robert Becker, an orthopaedic surgeon, has done extensive research on EM fields in the body and has designed an electrode recording device. His many studies have shown electrical charges on every one of the individuals tested corresponding to the Chinese meridian points.

We are beings of light woven together by a fabric we don’t yet fully understand.

I know a number of people who study varying forms of science. While differing practices love to bicker over which discipline is best, I hear the same thing said over and over again: The more I try to understand, the more I realize I don’t know and we’re all part of some unseen pattern. What exactly it is that they’re trying to understand is their study of the human body, biology, astronomy and physics.

The holistic way of perceiving the world mirrors the teachings of ancient civilizations such as the Inca. Buddhist and Hindu teachings have long told us that everything is energy dancing in form, and that the dance is a continuous weaving of the form and the formless. Now research from the frontiers of science is telling us the same thing. I am personally convinced that the close embrace in tango opens the heart chakra to one’s dance partner. I haven’t spent time researching, measuring levels of oxytocin, endorphins and other ‘feel good’ body rush chemical reactions, or conducting personal interviews – it’s just a hunch.

My favorite way to connect with the Divine.

I’m not saying my view of the world is correct, either – only I like to keep my mind open to the possibilities, even if science has not caught up with them yet. I can only glean from my personal experiences. When I quit trying to figure it all out, when I stopped and just listened - the answers began to come.