More of the Healing Process: The Battle with the Demon Spiders

" I believe that in the end the truth will conquer." ~John Wycliffe

I had the second bath in the spiritual healing process.



Before the bath that night, I thought I’d spend some time in meditation and relaxing before I left myself vulnerable to the spiritual world once again. I saw my mother’s head floating in the darkness during my meditation. Her hair split down the middle and formed two horns. Her mouth elongated into a sinister smirk and she grew fangs. You know how dogs twitch and snarl when they are dreaming of chasing something or fending off a predator? I was physically doing this with my mouth. I felt myself clenching my teeth, my lip curled and twitching – warning her with my physiological reactions that this was my space, not hers and she was to go away. I eventually fell asleep and woke up to my alarm.

I drew the bath as usual and immersed myself in the water. Again, I saw her floating head in demonized form and again my lip started snarling. She was then wearing a black mask, cape and hat. She was trying to rape me. The vividness of the experience scared me. I opened my eyes for a moment so it would stop. I then relaxed and closed my eyes again.

The first thing to greet me is her floating demonized head. I then see hundreds of them and notice they have small spider bodies – the body of a black widow. I’m now in the forest of my first vision. I’m running towards the river and am being chased by an army of millions of demonized black widow spiders. I stop at the bank of the river when I see fish jumping out of the water. The fish are piranha like with her demon head and are biting at me. They are swimming upstream, against the flow of water.

I tell the fish that they are only fighting it because they are afraid of what waits for them further down the river. They are not welcome here and they must leave. The fish swallow a few of the demon spiders and allow the water to carry them downstream. The spiders are surrounding me, getting ready to attack me. A very large Aztecan man pulls me up into his arms. He is so large that I feel like a child when he carries me. I see one of the spiders jump onto his back. I hiss at her, trying to scare her again and again I feel my lip twitching and snarling. She bites him and he falls to the ground on top of me and we both sink into the earth. I feel quite safe with him, although I don’t know what’s happening.

I’m now watching the same Aztecan man. He is on a high hill surrounded by grasslands and is worshipping the sunrise. I see a white wolf looking at me and my spirit enters her. On a side note here, I’d like to mention that having a wolf as a spirit guide and animal is an honor. She is vicious and protective. To see a white wolf REALLY means business. The white wolf symbolizes victory and conquering.

Once again, I feel myself in river water. The Aztecan people are dunking me in, trying to remove one of the two smudges I have on the left side of my forehead. It doesn’t seem to be working. A very tall Native American woman walks up; she is dressed in a wolf skin which she wears as a cape, so that the wolf’s head is on top of hers like a hood. The white wolf is with her.

The Native woman lays me down on the bank of the river. She reaches for the smudge on my forehead and begins to squeeze. From this smudge emerge thousands of the demon spiders which seem to continue for a long time. Followed by the spiders are Lenora, her two daughters and a lot of pus.

The process seems to have emptied me, as if my entire body was filled with an infection of demon spiders. The Native woman breathes her breath into the hole in my forehead and alternately fills it with water from the river until my body has consistency once again. She plugs the hole in my forehead with mud earth from the river bank. My spirit again goes into the white wolf, which walks side by side with the Native woman back into the forest, away from the river.

I’ve discussed these visions I've had with a friend. We are both wondering what the indigenous may represent to me: a past life? An instinctual way to life that I’m constantly fighting? To be honest, if I had my way I’d do nothing but play in the woods all day. My friend thinks that this may be related to finding my tribe or my niche in life.

Namaste.

Moving Forward

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. ~ Hermann Hesse

I had really hoped to turn in early tonight, but I’ve learned to listen to myself and the thoughts must come out!

Firstly, I have an important and exciting announcement. For once I’ve let someone else in: I’ve come clean to my mother about all of the things I’ve been internalizing and holding back – including the anger harbored towards her for some time, my failed suicide attempt and thoughts on my future in general. We connected on a deeper level. Our relationship has been a bit of a challenge at times, as she adopted me a little of a year ago when I was 25 and I think mother and daughter are still working on getting to know one another; not to mention she has a full grown daughter who’s been dealing with some tough issues over the last several years. We are both learning to compromise, communicate and understand one another. Tonight we accomplished all three. Woot!

In other news, I had intended to save it, but I just can’t help myself. My psychic has given me oil to put in a bathtub. I did my first bath last Saturday around midnight. Why midnight? This symbolically represents the end and beginning of something, rebirth, and is also when the natural forces are the strongest – think of the growing and waning of the moon.

I was instructed to firstly not talk about the process until it’s complete, but I think this is too exciting to keep to myself for the next three weeks. 9 drops of the solution are put into the bathtub and the water is then mixed counterclockwise with the left hand 9 times. There are many symbolic aspects of these instructions. I was told I must stay immerse in the water for fifteen minutes, then stand up, say to the Universe that I realize the negativity that has bound me and I send it back to my afflicter.

This is exactly what I did, and I now share with you the images I saw while meditating in the water. For me, it has all been symbolic of me letting go, breaking away and becoming a new person. Here’s what I saw:

First I saw myself in a womb. I wasn’t a fetus; I was full grown, as I am now. I think this is symbolic of being enveloped by the Earth Mother.

The next image I saw was me as an empty shell above the earth . . similar to the skin left behind by a bug. Everything around me was desolate: the tree, the earth, the sky was ominous in appearance. I crawled up through the rich soil lying beneath the empty shell and touched her; she shattered into a million pieces. Perhaps this is what I was: an empty shell ready to break at any moment.

I then saw Aaron standing above me. He was trying to choke me. I told him he’d never touch me again. Seeing him is symbolic of him choking my spirit because I allowed him to have too much of a hold on me.

Lastly, I saw many versions of myself, all in the form of Mayans. They were dancing around a fire. Near the fire was Aaron, Lenora, Frank, Tamara and Joy. They glared at the many versions of me with anger in their eyes and the versions of myself continued to dance around them.

I was then submerged in water, filthy and covered in muck. The other Mayan versions  of myself started to gently scrub me until all of the soot had worn away and drifted away downstream.

I stood up in the tub and said I released myself from all of the negativity and anger and sent it back to Aaron. I told him that he and his family would no longer have any hold whatsoever on me. I released myself from his touch, his stares and his tongue that both lied and touched me and sent it back to him.

I then lay in the tub for a while until the water began to get too cold for my liking. In my mind, I heard a plane go by and felt a moment of familiar nostalgia . . . looking up as a little girl on the front lawn of my house surrounded by sunshine – before anything sad had ever come into my life.