Online Dating: A Perspective From The Irish Lass

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi

I tried my hand at online dating. I decided I was ready for something wonderful and genuine and thought actively pursuing it was an excellent idea. In hindsight, that was a horrible idea and this has turned into one of the experiences in life that I've looked back on and asked myself, "What the hell was I thinking?!"

I went the wrong way at the crossroads. 

I developed my online profile as something sweet and simple with a generalization about my life and interests. My photos were flattering, tactful, and not provocative in any way, shape or form. No cleavage, no sultry poses; just a lot of smiling and a few photos of the hound. 

My inbox blew up. It was overwhelming when I'd log in every other day or so and have 50+ messages to sift through. I was beginning to turn into a shallow person. I started deleting messages without reading them because I couldn't possibly read all of that (and some of them were sickening, anyway). Anyone that looked like someone I wouldn't be friends with in real life was ignored. Pity. 

I ignored the shallow people and became one myself. 

I initially thought the process was brilliant because it allowed me to sift through men that came across as creepy, said inappropriate things, or were just too pushy. Why would I want to give you my number after an exchange of five messages?! I've never met you. I don't want to text you and I don't want you calling me, either. 

There's something wrong with my generation. We're all in a rush to the finish line. We want to connect. We want to love; but we don't want to make ourselves vulnerable. My own observation is that we're hungry for a genuine connection with someone, but still remain isolated and lonely. One of the major contributing factors is the veneer, the facade, the veil and all of the emotional barriers we put up in self defense. The internet perpetuates this problem. 

I see it more often than I'd like. A photo of some random and unsuspecting person goes viral and the rest of the world rips the person apart for being (by societal standards) unattractive, obese, fake, and my personal favorites: slut and whore. Because we're not stairng someone directly in the face there is no filter and the most judgmental, condescending and hateful words are spewed into the cyber world. Just because it can be done; just because we have something to hide behind so we feel emboldened to say whatever we want to knock someone down only to make ourselves feel better about our own insecurities and mundane lives. What the hell is wrong with us?! 

Either grow a pair or be kind to others. That's all I have to say. 

Considering that this trait seems to be tailored to my generation specifically, I've come across a lot of unfiltered words. The men with whom I've exchanged dialogue thus far don't handle rejection well. I've been called a snob, someone with major wounds to heal because I wasn't interested in sex, a flake, a bitch and someone deserving of rape because I have a bad attitude. I feel as if I've been introduced to the worst side of humanity and it was beginning to make me a very jaded person. I don't want that for myself. 

It's not just the harshness and cruelty; it's the misrepresentation of oneself and a blatant disregard for the feelings of another human being. I still can't wrap my mind around how we've evolved to be this way. 

Oh yes . . . crying because I felt unlovable, flawed and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. The answer? Nothing. Nothing at all. 

I eventually dreaded even checking my inbox, so I shut it down. I'd rather keep my sanity, thanks. A friend asked me last night why I don't just meet someone the old fashioned way. Does that even happen anymore?! So . . . meet someone at work? Granted, it's a very large organization, but I'm generally running from one thing to the next and don't have time to look into the dating field while I'm working. It just strikes me as wrong and a bad idea. 

The other option would be tango. There are currently a few issues with that. I won't be able to afford those outings for a while because money is too tight and that's what happens when one moves twice in less than 6 months and puts her dog first (he will always come first). My current hours don't really allow for me to have much of a night life because I have to be up so early. Lastly, I don't want to be a part of the polyamorous sect. That's just not in me. I'm not saying every tango dancer lives that kind of life, but I do know it's prevalent in a few crowds and I want no part of it. 

Polyandry aside, tango is pretty awesome. I look forward to returning when I can. 

It's even been suggested that I look for someone with money. I sincerely hope they were joking. In fact, I've even had a few propositions along those lines when I was a bombshell in my early 20's. For the love of all that is sacred and holy, that is the most shallow bullsh*t I've ever heard. I know people do it. I can't. I'd resent the guy. I'd resent myself. I'd personally rather live in a van down by the river, or under a bridge, or pitch a tent or something. I won't be bought or owned. 

Where do these people come from?

The darker side of humanity I've witnessed lately hasn't just been in the dating world, either. I purchased a dog house off of craigslist. I had no means to pick it up and the guy was kind enough to deliver it for me. Over e-mail exchanges he sent me boudoir photos. I'm no longer thinking that was an accident. I've been trying to pin him down to pay him and he only responds with e-mails about him being in the hot tub and sipping wine. Just let me pay you, guy!! I'll admit I'm slightly concerned because he knows where I live. What creeps me out is that he's never met me in person because I wasn't at home when the dog house was delivers. The only photo he's seen of me is on my gmail profile . . . and I'm wearing Minnie Mouse ears and huge cat like sunglasses. There is nothing provocative about that photo. 

I've been asking myself lately what the hell is wrong with the world and why everything in my life is broken, chaotic, or bizarre. I've been hearing a lot about Mercury in retrograde. Mercury is wrecking my life!! I was out with friends last night and one of them told me (regarding my recent interactions with the male population) it's just because I'm young and beautiful. I thanked him for the compliment and he laughed over my dread of turning 30. I know I'm not seeing the bigger picture right now. I know I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. I have to go back to repeating my mantras of saying positive things about me until I believe them. 

My therapist has some good insight on this recurring phenomenon in my life: I'm too trusting and there's something about the type of trauma I've experienced that is buried deep in my unconscious on a level that I'm not aware. It's like a freaking radar to others who have experienced harsh blows in life. Unfortunately, these just happen to be people that aren't trying to deal with their issues and instead project them on others. 

I'm gradually getting back into my ritualistic form of spirituality. I finally put my alter together last night. Falling asleep to my candles burning was comforting and being back in nature on a regular basis is soothing. Making room in my studio apartment for belly dancing is my next task. I'm still semi-living out of boxes. I still can't find things. It's still chaotic, but I'm beginning to feel a sense of peace; and I'm reminding myself I'm exactly where I should be. 

Playing with scarves and glittery things?! You betcha. I'll move like no one is watching (because no one will be watching - this is mine). 

Warfare

My experience with dating so far has led me to this conclusion: It really all boils down to psychological warfare. Also, people in general are idiots. On any online dating site it’s commonplace to see things written such as “Be real” and “Not into mind games” and “No drama”. Those lines tell me the following: 1. You are probably the biggest phony that ever lived. 2. You are psychologically flawed and must be in control at all times. 3. You obviously have drama in your life or you wouldn’t have mentioned it. You have unresolved issues and are projecting your nonsense into cyber world. And then there’s my all-time personal favorite message I get from time to time, “R u real?” No, dumbass. I actually put effort into a profile for your own amusement and gawking pleasure! (Side note: I do NOT upload revealing photos). There was also that one guy that said something along the lines of, “You’re hot, but I’m not sure about you.” Umm . . . . Thanks. Blocked!!!

There was also an inebriated text sent in the wee hours of the morning. Lord help me. 

Of the few I actually have let into my life at least to some small degree I’ve found myself wondering why he hasn’t called or messaged me in several days. What did I do to irritate him? Was I not forthcoming enough in who I truly am? OMG?! Do I lack the level of self-awareness to truly know myself?! And then I remember that I’m one of the most awesome people ever, go cuddle with the hound and get on with life.

I'd choose this guy any day. 

I think I have a far different take on what a guy is actually saying than what he really means. I didn’t really realize this until I was telling my landlord last night how extremely bored I am by most of these guys. If they can’t match me intellectually or emotionally and are unable to carry a semi-intelligent conversation, why do they bother wasting my time?! My latest irritation came when I met a guy in person who seemed interesting enough. The entire time he talked about his connections with local big names of which I know nothing of because that really doesn’t matter to me and also about all of the money he’s made. Nice enough – it just struck me as full of himself and materialistic. From my landlord’s perspective, this was merely a guy’s way of saying he could take care of me.

Then there's the guy who just can't tear himself away from his phone. When in doubt, spill your drink and run. 

There’s a Huffington Post article that resonates with my own thoughts about how ridiculous this entire process really is. Here are a few of my favorite highlights: 1. Thou shalt never maketh plans to hang out in advance, for thou are casual and disinterested. 2. Thou shalt never compliment thy lover. Speaketh only in condescending words. 3. Thou shalt covet many, many lovers, preferably in the same neighborhood. Thou shalt speak of them often. 4. Thou shalt remember, above all: The lover who cares the least wins: One sentimental ‘thinking of you’ could derail all the progress you’ve made! Go into Code Red Aloof mode. Ignore your babe’s texts for hours-long gaps and reply with one-word answers. In no time, you’ll prove your lack of investment and thus restore the balance of power.

Because winning is more important than anything else, right? 

It’s just insanity – our own struggle for power and to always have the upper hand. Every single time I feel the urge to want to blow someone off I’m starting to question why. Did I feel slighted by him and am turning this into a vendetta to protect my own ego? Why did his failure to contact me irritate me so much and how does this tie into my own issues of abandonment? Why does dating feel like one of the hardest games of tug-of-war I’ve ever played?

What I can say is this: I’m paying close attention to not just how he treats me and those close to him, but also how he treats the average person that might cross his path. If he can’t be kind to a stranger it’s highly unlikely he’ll be kind to me when I need him to be.

This loving of a heart. That's what matters. 

Something else that really gets me is that everyone has advice to give me. Everyone. Seriously. The attitude seems to be that because these people are married and I am not, clearly I have flawed logic and that’s why I’m still single so they have hoards of knowledge to bestow upon me! My personal favorite is the concept of a soul mate. I believed in that once upon a time – now I’m a firm believer that what you put into a relationship is exactly what you’ll get out of it. The idea that there’s one perfect guy out there for me and I only just have to find him for my life to feel complete and make myself whole is nonsense.

I love old and new friends - I just don't need the dating advice. Thanks. 

I’ve had very old friends reconnect with me lately. I love them, I do. The problem with their logic is that they still think they know me as the young teenager who hoped someone would rescue her from her nightmarish life. People change. I learned to save myself. I’ve been told that I come across as guarded. That’s probably true and I don’t see that as a bad thing. Being naïve and trusting didn’t do me any favors. I can still be open to the world without living my life like a bumbling idiot thinking that no one could possibly ever want to harm me or take advantage of me.

My dating woes are the least of my problems lately. My radiator blew on me last week, forcing me to take out whatever funds I had left in my account to fix it. I am officially in pauper status again. The silver lining to this is that while my car is now fixed, it forced me to ride my bike to work like I said I would. I’ve been doing 22 miles a day and royally kicking butt. I’m rather proud of myself for that – and also noted a few truths about myself that I had to admit. 1. I’m extremely competitive. How dare that guy pass me on the road?! I’m going to smoke him! 2. I get road rage on the bike, too. This isn’t just from other cyclists acting like total assholes, but also from cat calls and inappropriate stares. There are times I want to dismount my bike and bash in someone’s car window . . . . But then I remind myself of my awesomeness and carry on. 

I have been described as such . . . .But my main point is this: I am not out there for your personal viewing pleasure. I don't care how marvelous my breasts are. 

Proceed With Caution

“I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions”  - Augusten Burroughs, Magical Thinking: True Stories

I recognize that I’m a deeply flawed person. To some degree, I think we all are. I’m broken and I’m trying to put the pieces back together. I’m probably not good relationship material, either. While I give fair warning to those that want to step beyond the bounds of friendship, I get the impression that he thinks he can ‘fix’ me – that he’s my knight in shining armor that has come to rescue me from my pathetic life. I’m not meant to be fixed or saved. This is something that only I can do and I’m working on it.

A friend recently told me that what I need is a rock; I see a lot of truth in that. I’m working on fixing myself. I can’t help someone else make repairs in their own life. If I need anyone in this life, it's someone who can hold me up without expecting me to cater to his every whim. I'm just not capable. Sorry. 

A misunderstanding took place between my former boyfriend and I. Before the relationship started, before the friendship started, I told him I wasn’t sure that I’m ready for a relationship. In other words, proceed with caution and enter at your own risk. Perhaps the biggest mistake I made was letting him stay with me to escape the heat from the campus dorm. We hadn’t known each other that long, and it was far too soon for something like that.

Did I mention his incessant paranoia? I think it was contagious.

I think we did our best to accommodate each other. He helped me when I was stretched too thin and I adjusted my own habits and time to make more time for him because he felt he was competing for my attention. Then there was a Friday. I had literally just finished volunteering my time to one of my former professors and was getting ready that Friday morning for two interviews. As I’m sorting through suits and applying makeup, I hear a lot of banging on the other end of the house. I went to see what on earth was going on.

I see him there, shoving things into bags. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was leaving. Of course, this took me by surprise because there had been no prior discussion and here I am trying to prepare myself for two interviews when he drops a bomb on me. His timing couldn’t have been worse. He assured me that it was no fault of mine and said there was too much tension and it was time to go.

The weeks leading up to this, his behavior was a bit erratic. He said he felt like he was competing for my attention in tango and I got the impression that he felt like he was competing for my attention when it came to my dogs. I always danced the most tandas with him. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to always ensure he had a good evening. My dogs, on the other hand, have been with me longer than any human being and have given me so much love and support – of course they hold a special place in my heart.

These beautiful creatures have been my steadfast companions through the good, bad, and just plain ugly. I love them above all else. 

I received a few messages from him the week leading up to last Friday. He wasn’t feeling well and there was nothing worthwhile in the contents of these messages, as it was just his day to day activities. That week gave me a lot of time to think about what a future with him would look like. It wasn’t what I wanted. Not even close. I realized I was nearly bored to tears and felt like I was dating an 80-year-old man. Not good, but I was willing to attempt to work it out and give it another try.

He shows up to the milonga last Friday, doesn’t approach me and makes no eye contact whatsoever. Fine, I thought to myself. I’m not going to let him bring me down when I have no clue why he's behaving this way. Eventually, he asks if we can talk. I oblige and we step outside. I’m angry and it’s obvious. I’m angry because I felt his actions were selfish and he knew that I had important things lined up on the day he left. I’m angry because he already knows I have issues of trust and insecurity and springing something on me last minute is not the best of moves.

I would say: Game Over. Rather than married. I couldn't find an appropriate photo. Don't. Judge. Me.

So we’re talking it out. He mentions my trust issues. I pointed my finger at his chest and poked him saying, Of course I have trust issues. You knew that already. He got quite defensive and told me not to touch him. I threw my hands up and said something along the lines of, “F*ck this. I’m done talking for now.” I was frustrated because he needed to be pacified and I just don’t have that in me. I’m trying to hold myself together. Thanks.

I finish out the night. I had nothing else to say and no desire to try to communicate with him any further until we’d both taken a breather. So, I was a bit surprised when I received an e-mail from him the next morning.

He was vicious and biting. He laid out my flaws and outlined the grand life I would have had with him if I hadn’t given up. Given up? Perhaps he hadn’t heard the ‘for now’ portion. Then again, maybe he chose not to. He went on about my abusive behavior and lifestyle that would leave me dead by the time I’m 30. I find it all laughable. I rarely lash out – ever. In fact, I chose my words very carefully around him because he was a sensitive soul. There’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t judge that type of personality. I acknowledged that aspect of his being and was very careful with my choice of words and tone. As for me dying before I’m 30, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. I’ve climbed up the same hills he has and never needed to take a break because I have more endurance and was by far the most active one in the relationship. My health is perfectly fine.

I do my victory dance when I reach the top, not when I'm half way there. 

This is where I’d like to say I took the high road. I didn’t. I was just as juvenile and hit below the belt just as much. Why? Because it was petty and I lowered myself to his level of communication. I’m not proud of it – but still, I did it. He said he felt exploited. Really? After staying in my house for weeks on end? I barely asked him for anything, just a little help around the house. Truth be told, I felt exploited. I exerted so much patience and understanding through some major relationship issues – he still chose to blame them on me.

The ironic thing is that after I hit ‘send’ I began laughing uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of it all. This is about as belittling and juvenile as human beings can get – and I was an active participant. I laughed because he knows how resilient I am and that I could care less what others think of me. Who’s going to survive the nuclear holocaust? Ava; because in my past life I was a cockroach. Cut off a part of me and I grow back like a starfish. There are few things that phase me when it comes to words or gossip regarding my character.

Resilience: The courage to come back . . . over and over again.

That’s the thing about repeated exposure to trauma. It’s a double edged sword. I am extremely resilient, yet find it difficult to relate to others who cannot understand what I’ve been through and are traumatized by third person events. One of your childhood friends died in a car accident; you weren’t involved and now you’re scared of large vehicles and driving? I found my father’s dead body. I was abandoned by my mother. I watched my grandmother die. I’ve been exploited for someone else’s financial or social gain my entire life. My childhood friend died because her mother tweaked out and shot her along with her siblings. I could go on and on with one sob story after another. No. If you’re upset by something like a car crash, I cannot relate to you.

I was a bit bummed the days that followed our encounter. So, Ava, you’ve failed yet again. That’s what I thought to myself. I’m a total and complete failure. I’ve failed at any form of success whatsoever whether it be in life, love, or the stinking job market.

As I’ve been cleaning, I stumbled across one of my Rumi books. I loaned my personal copy to him. I rarely do that. Also, he wrote in it. For Pete’s sake, he may as well have taken my personal journal and scribbled in it. I feel the urge to burn that copy and purchase a new one while reminding myself why I don’t lend my personal things. There are few things that are precious to me – my favorite books happen to be one of them.

I’ve wanted to retreat back into myself and hide away. A good friend of mine told me to forgive myself a little because I gave him fair warning. Another friend told me to pick myself up and try again. I’ll compromise. I won’t hide – but I’m not marketing myself for relationships, either. I’ve failed in the dating world: I fell in love once, and somehow I managed to screw it up. He may never truly know how much he meant to me. It burns.

Just getting away for a while would be nice. I don't care where. 

While I can admit my heart is certainly not the first to be broken, all I can ask the male population is this: be a friend to me. I’m far more complicated than a pretty face and fun-loving nature. While I’m friendly, outgoing and down to earth, deep down is a very fragile soul. Handle with care and proceed with caution. 

"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will."  - Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

All I loved, I loved alone.

“From childhood’s hour I have not been. As others were, I have not seen. As others saw, I could not awaken. My heart to joy at the same tone. And all I loved, I loved alone.” - Edgar Allen Poe

 

Some say it was negligence, others said confusion; still others said he was a self-absorbed douche that didn’t deserve my time, love or affection. They said he didn’t deserve my tears, my pain and the deep aching I felt at the very root of my heart. I still feel that aching. In regards to what he deserved, I have no thoughts on it, only that he held every part of my essence in his hands. Instead of accepting, instead of reciprocating or even finding solace in it, he ripped my heart from my chest and left it in a pulsating bloody pulp on the floor. It was the constant rejection that did it, I think.

I don’t know where it went wrong in all honesty. I’ve looked at it from every angle and I just can’t find the source. I was looking for my mistake for weeks when I was told that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. And I won’t let him put that on me, either.

As much as I tried to reach out, I was ignored. His actions told me that I was nothing but an afterthought to him. There would never be a place for me in his life. Eventually the feelings of pain and sadness turned to anger. I don’t like any of those feelings.

I have been told that any guy with the slightest bit of interest would make some effort. It existed in the beginning, but not long after that. At first I thought it was his confusion and he needed space. We never seemed to communicate effectively. Ever.  It wasn’t until someone actually did show interest in me that I saw what everyone had been trying to make me see for weeks.

It was one outing and that’s probably all it ever will be – but I can say during that time this guy I only saw in passing on a daily basis - made me feel as if I were the only person in the universe that mattered to him. It was exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it.

 

I had drafted a letter I intended to send to the object of my affection. I never sent it. Ironically, the same night I finished it he messaged me saying he wanted to talk about the events of the last 4 weeks. At first I agreed, however,  the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had nothing left to say. I’ve said it already. I’ve given it already. Every time I saw him in person he left with another piece of me emotionally, physically, or spiritually. I have nothing left to give.

It took me two years to get over a physical assault. I imagine it’s going to take me two more to get over this experience. Expressing love makes one vulnerable and because of how deep that emotion can run, the pain will run just as deep. It’s not that I’m going to close myself off from society and cease from living with compassion and positive regard, only that I can’t emotionally open myself up to anyone for a very long time.

 

 

“Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will did it. I have not broken your heart – you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me that I am strong.”  - Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

 

 

 

Of Masks and Men

Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before. ~ James Buckham

Throughout most of my life, I’ve run from adversity and conflict of any sort. I’d hide my true self from others, allowing them to create an image of what I should be in their own mind. I was often shunned for my beliefs and way of thinking that tended to be different. I’ve always been different. Consequently, I always saw myself as the problem. I’m not sure if pretending to be something I wasn’t was some sort of evolutionary survival method, or that I was made to feel ashamed for my nonconformist attitude. Either way, I wore a mask that was not my own for many years. In fact, I wore several.

I’m not sure when exactly I decided I needed to set my foot down, but at some point I did. I feel like the entire world would oppress me if I’d let it . . . but I’m not going to. My family has come to terms with my oddities of smudging and love of the Earth Mother. At first, I was told that it was only a psychological thing. My philosophy is ‘whatever works’. Don’t rain on my parade!

Again I address the topic of men. As mentioned in my previous blog, I’ve had a knack for attracting the wrong type. It’s not that they were evil, or bad in all aspects; I think I could find a trait to love in just about anybody. My free spirit is usually what attracts people to me. Perhaps they thought I was what they wanted and that turned out to not be the case. Regardless, I feel as if they made every attempt to snuff the life out of me.

With that in mind, I’ll be spending some time thinking about what I want in a significant other and hope that by doing so the right person will come along. If not, so be it. I’ve learned that we need to make our own happiness in this world.

Here’s my thoughts (requirements) thus far:

1 Must be a dog lover. I have two dogs of my own. Love me, love my dogs.

2 Be honest to me about who you are. I don’t like liars and I despise those that lie about their interests to catch my attention

3 Love outdoors. I have a deep connection to nature. This is where I find comfort, solace and can rejuvenate myself when I’m feeling worn down.

4 Mobility; be active. Be spontaneous because this is one of the greatest gifts in life.

5 Having traveled is a plus. I feel it is important to see other parts of the world, immerse in a different culture, and have meaningful experiences.

6 Generosity – not just towards me and not necessarily with tangible things (unless chocolate cake is involved). Share your thoughts and dreams with me.

7 Confidence, but not self absorbed – I think it’s important to be proud of what you do and your contribution to the world. However, thinking you’re better than everyone else is a turn off.

8 Motivation – have the desire to continue to grow. Stagnant water is bad for to drink, so is a stagnant lifestyle.

9 Patience – I want someone who can be patient with me and others in his life. 

10 The ability to laugh at yourself . . .  because I laugh at myself on a daily basis and it’s much more amusing when I have a partner in crime.

11 Dance outings and karaoke – Of course, I’m not set in stone. I like to have fun and don’t want a couch potato who not only refuses to go kayaking with me, but also refuses dancing and karaoke.

12 Smarts – impress me with your knowledge and challenge me to a game of chess!

13 I think looks fall into here somewhere. I’m still trying to decide exactly what physical aspects I like in the opposite sex. All I can say for now is that I know what I like when I see it.

14 Loving - love me for who I am and not what you'd like me to be. I have had so many cross my path that are attracted to my free spirit and fun loving nature only to try to change me and break me in the process. I will not stand for this. 

15 Bonus points if you're Irish!

16 - Don't treat me as an afterthought. I am worth more than that.