Conventions and Conciousness

"All boundaries are conventions, waiting to be transcended. One may transcend any convention, if one can first conceive of doing so. . . . .My life extends far beyond the limits of me.  - Cloud Atlas

A basic law of the universe is that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, it can only change form. The same law applies to our consciousness.

I’ve finally picked up Women Who Run With the Wolves the past couple of days and continued to read it. The author mentions a Japanese philosopher, Shotoku Taishi, who lived at the turn of the 6^th century. Among other things, he taught that one must do psychic work in both the inner and outer worlds; even more so, he taught tolerance for every creature, human, and emotion. Imagine that? She goes on to say, “Even raw and messy emotions are a form of light, crackling, bursting with energy.”

This makes more sense to me than anything I've heard up until now. 

This particular topic resonated with me this morning, mostly because I still feel an intense form of rage. It’s one of those unpleasant and taboo emotions that we’re often told we can’t feel. “Just get over it” is something I’ve heard more times than I care to count. PTSD doesn’t work that way. I sincerely wish I could just get over it and let it go, but that’s not really addressing the issue, is it?

I had an interesting conversation with the bartender at a wine bar recently. He suggested several books which I feel like I have to get immediately . . . but then I remember I’m still working through my beloved journey with the wolves and have a couple of Dean Radin’s works that I’ve set aside as well. One of the names he mentioned (I think it may have been a philosopher and not an author) was this: from birth, we spend the rest of our lives trying to heal ourselves. Why is that? My best guess is that we spend more time suppressing feelings (particularly the ‘bad’ ones) rather than expressing them, or finding an outlet to expel those emotions.

I think it's the permission part that I struggle with. It's a common theme with me, isn't it? 

So I’m feeling an intense rage right now. I can acknowledge that. Nothing spells out ‘rage’ more than a flurry of messages sent online that are rampant with grammatical errors. This was an exchange that took place between the friend from tango and I, because I’m still trying to wrap my head around why he’d badger me into admitting something I didn’t want to share. Perhaps I need to stop asking ‘why’ and simply accept that we’re all human and flawed to some degree.

Perhaps the Irish Lass needs to remind herself of this more often.

It’s not only the PTSD relapse, but other things taking place in my life that have compounded my current anger. I’m angry at a few people in my life at the moment.

My office environment feels toxic to me now. I sincerely don’t want to come into work (but I don’t really have a choice, do I?) because I don’t want to be subjected to such an insidious personality (DF) and a manager who sticks his head in the sand. For the record, I like him very much as a person. He’s just poor management material. It took me taking a sick day because I was simply not functional and sending him an e-mail again explaining the toxicity of my interactions with DF, my PTSD was triggered and that I had called the union to mediate a meeting for him to pay attention. Still, this was something he didn’t handle himself. He finally had our HR person handle the situation after over a year of complaints not only from me, but from others in the office, regarding DF's behavior. I’m furious that it had to come to this before anything was done about the atmosphere of the office in which I work 5 days a week. I'm sure only a few words spoken to her by someone of authority (because she appeared to take my own concerns with a grain of salt) would have remedied the situation fairly quickly. I currently spend most of my life at work and it’s the last place on earth I should be triggered because someone else needs to scream about her victimization. I’m tempted to include an excerpt from her ranting, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’ll just say that it surmounts to a 12 page diatribe of someone in a victim contest crying wolf. That’s the best description I can give.

I don't like using this expression. It's an insult to the wolves. 

I have one friendship that I wasn’t sure about and when I spent a weekend with this friend after not seeing her for a couple of months, I ultimately decided that her presence in my life is not beneficial to me. I’ve grown tired of friendships that are clearly one sided and I was mentally exhausted by the end of the weekend. Part of that was due to me having to pay for 85% of everything that weekend and she knows full well that I’m struggling and, unlike her, I don’t live rent free with my parents who pay my bills. The other part was a consistent domination of conversation: if I brought up a topic she’d quickly interrupt me and rattle on and on and on; and the conversation would quickly turn to something that she was angry about: mostly people. If she didn’t talk over me to express anger over something, it was to tell me something along the lines of her speaking several languages or that she’s a descendant of the Romanovs. The last portion is her need to make herself seem so important to others . . . and also her love of drinking. This is not a person I care to have in my life. I’m trying to figure out a way to phase her out. While the mature thing is to have a conversation with her, I’m simply done with exerting energy of any form into this friendship and I’m done with explaining myself.

I no longer have the patience for this.

Another friendship began with an agreement to support one another through the difficult times. I had done my best to prop him up, particularly when my life was in a state of chaos. When he asked how I was doing and I honestly told him, he all but vanished from my life. It’s the feeling of abandonment that upsets me; it’s also the feeling of being used.

A good friend who has known me for many years, particularly through one of the harder times in my life as a young teenager, said something in one of our online exchanges that resonated with me. She said I was so used to having to take so much garbage from everyone else (because I had no choice in the matter) that I feel guilty when I ask, “What’s left for me?” I consider this friend to be a kindred spirit. In fact, as I define soul mates in a way that differs from the general consensus, I’d say she’s one of my soul mates. I think her observation was spot on. I feel undeserving most of the time which is probably why the slightest form of kindness almost always brings me to tears.

I think what's left for me is nature and the hound.

I made a promise to myself that this year would be better. I’m cutting off as much dead weight as I can. I’m still trying to find a new position. I’m still submitting applications and am now seriously considering looking outside of this organization. It’s a pity when I think about it, because all of this work-related nonsense was preventable. I’m cutting off ties with friends who use me for whatever resources they can take.

My energy is better spent making room for more genuine things in my life.

While I can’t cut off my emotions, I’m trying to find the best way to channel them. I don’t know if my best plan of attack right now is to dig deeper and see what other unresolved aspects of my life experience are surfacing on some subconscious level, or simply acknowledging that the anger is a real thing right now. 

I still have yet to find the 'hardest' thing in life. Unfortunately, I tend to take a match to things. 

Dirty Faerie Creature

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” – Nelson Mandela

I’ve waited for some time to write about this because it really is wasted energy, but some things are far too amusing to not share . . . . and, on occasion, my rants can be comical.

I have an ability to genuinely connect with others from all walks of life and I pride myself in that. I want to understand others. I’m curious and compassionate and these characteristics show when I’m interacting with another person. This is one of the reasons I love my job so much. My patients are going through a very scary process that I’m only barely beginning to understand even a little. If I can offer them some form of solace during their time in our clinic by giving a warm smile, hug, or a listening ear, you betcha I’m going to do it. Given this aspect of my personality, imagine my frustration when I just can’t understand another person. At all. I’m consistently baffled by her.

My experience with her has been taxing, but I’ve learned a few things about myself through her antics.

Behold! A faerie creature. I was too afraid of what the word 'dirty' would add to my Google search.

She likes to call herself things like: Dirty Faerie Creature, Swamp Flower, Water Witch and Delicate Flower. I have never met another person who has so many creative names to call herself.  Personally, I will also refer to her as the Dirty Faerie Creature (DF) because that one in particular is my favorite. As I’ve interacted with her for almost a year, I’ve come to the conclusion that she is the textbook definition of a narcissist. Her ego is so over inflated I don’t know how her mind or soul makes room for it. Perhaps she has neither.

That was a horrible thing to say, but I said it.

Just from my own observation (and another co-worker) I can guarantee DF takes about five ‘bathroom’ breaks a day. She’s generally gone for at least 20 minutes because she cakes on more makeup and preens herself in the mirror. I have never met another woman so insecure that she has to spend that much time on her face.

She’s never on time to work. Not once since she’s been here. That among a few other things is a source of contention for me because she views herself in an elevated position and she is definitely the manger’s favorite – which is why he will never see several of my colleagues and I see.

DF once sent a 4 paragraph e-mail to a co-worker regarding said co-worker clicking her pen. I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. I received a lengthy e-mail from her as well. It was several months ago. I kept trying to bring her something to process and each time I brought it she’d point out something else wrong with my paperwork. I remember thinking to myself, “Why not just tell me exactly what you need in one sitting without wasting my time with our frequent interactions.” It was frustrating. When I finally had it all arranged to the satisfaction of DF, I asked her if she needed anything else. Apparently that was a wrong question to ask.

She came into my office, my space and was literally in my face asking me what my problem was. As someone who frequently takes blame to avoid confrontation with this type of personality, I told her I was sorry I came across to her negatively; I didn’t mean to, had a lot of other things on my mind, etc. I then received a multiple paragraph diatribe stating that my apology wasn’t genuine and I was clearly being a bully and she needs a stable work environment.

Bam! Butting heads. No doubt about it.

Good grief. I bought her a plant as a peace offering because I knew she wanted one and secretly hoped it died. This was a good enough apology for the self-proclaimed Dirty Faerie Creature.

I was the first one to have this kind of encounter with her. My co-worker didn’t believe me until DF acted the same way towards her. DF did exactly the same thing, spinning it into my co-worker’s issue (because it could never have anything to do with DF’s actions) and sent her a very lengthy e-mail as well. This co-worker in particular is not easily angered and she was royally pissed about the entire ordeal.  The only good thing about it was that DF quit coming into our office, talking for 6 hours a day and neglecting all of her work.

Just one look at DF’s Facebook page can only lead to one conclusion: there is something wrong with her. I’ve never seen so many selfies, videos posted of her singing and this insanely bizarre one of her in a costume that lasts about five minutes and she’s mostly staring at herself in the camera. Sometimes I feel bad for her because that kind of behavior tells me that she’s lonely and I’m sure there’s a lot going on under the surface. My moments of sympathy are usually short lived because she approaches me to say something snarky when no one else is around to hear her do it.

I imagine underneath all of the self-absorption is a very tortured soul. 

She clearly needs help, but is too blinded by her image of having achieved the ultimate level of perfection to see it. I have done a lot of work in therapy. It takes an intense level of humility to reflect on your own psyche and behaviors. Humility isn't something DF possesses. That's not a dig at all, just an honest observation.

I just can’t understand people like DF. Her absolute favorite topic is herself and heaven forbid if anyone ever do anything better than her. She’s been biking to and from work for a while. She was upset when I started because I was putting in more miles. DF doesn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t adore her; she assumes they’re just jealous of her success and her beauty.

I admit she’s cute. Her soul, however, is not pretty at all.

This made me laugh too hard to not share. There's probably a special place in hell for me for this. 

I noticed that I began quitting meaningful things because I wanted to distance myself from her as much as possible. She does belly dance. I have put belly dance aside for a very long time. She likes Antony and the Johnsons. I didn’t listen to their music for a while – and I have always loved the singers poetic voice and words. She likes Rumi . . . . I was just at a loss for words. Then I had a bad dream about her spending time with a guy who I genuinely enjoy being around. Damn. It!! I wasn’t happy when I woke up.

I hashed this out in therapy last week. What was it about DF that caused me to dread being in her presence? Envy was definitely a part of the equation - and envy is an ugly and senseless emotion. She has expendable income and often does fun classes and workshops. She eats out daily. She goes on trips. I don’t have money for those kinds of things. The difference in what our positions pay is fairly substantial and my position has much more responsibility. It strikes me as backward and unfair. So, I have to remind myself again that I don’t really deserve anything and the world doesn’t owe me. Fairness has never really played out in life. I wonder why we believe in that construct at all.

It might be a Libra thing. There must be balance!!!

Another aspect to my dread was the feeling of walking on egg shells around DF because I never knew what was going to set her off into one of her fits. I also resent the blatant favoritism. It’s obvious and I’m not the only one who notices. I guess she’s good with politics, because she hasn’t blown up on anyone other than a handful of people because she knows it won’t come back to bite her.

My therapist asked me to think about it. What was it that DF represented to me? My therapist started listing things: double standard, two-faced personality, favoritism, etc. My work life is parallel to the home environment of my adoptive mother.

Transference. Check yourself, Lass. 

So there you have it. I’ve long acknowledged that my disdain for DF was my own issue; I just couldn’t get to the root of it. I have more work to do. Granted, DF will still grate on my nerves, but at least I can move forward knowing what my issues are and leave DF to her mirrors and makeup and hope I can reach a point where I can feel compassion and understanding for her. 

"There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate on the small fly which has landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?" C. Joybell