The Mantle

“You never enjoy the world aright, till the sea itself floweth in your veins, till you are clothed with the heavens, and crowned with the stars.” – Thomas Traherne, Centuries

To re-experience the integration of ourselves with nature, we have to take ourselves out of our four walls and set our life-story in the context of nature’s terms. This means becoming especially aware of one area of the natural world – an area that is our listening place, an area where we tune out the old broadcasts of our separateness and return to the original station of the universal belonging. In the place we enter into a new relationship with nature, conducting a dialogue of one with the other, in which both parties speak and both listen to the other.

In this communion, a further state of belonging may be experienced – initially just in brief glimpses, then sometimes for longer and longer periods. It is the condition that poet and mystic Thomas Traherne speaks of: the temporary loss of our sense of identity, a softening of the hard boundaries that separate us from the tree and the animals, from the earth and the sunset.  In this condition, we experience ourselves as no different from nature or anything within it. we come into true relationships with nature in such moments, which strip away our hubris, our control, and our feelings of separation and bring us once more under the mantle of the universe.

I hadn’t felt that sense of connection with the natural world around me for some time. There are two possible factors, both with may fully or jointly responsible. Moving back to an area in which I feel safe and also am more encouraged to be outdoors because it’s lovely and because I know no harm will come to me, I can appreciate the beauty of the universe as I once did. The other factor would be my therapist’s suggestion that I go back on my medications. There are mixed opinions about this, some of which are upsetting to me.

To sum my therapists words that she spoke to me, “Taking medication is not a sign of weakness. You have suffered enough; don’t continue to suffer if there’s no need for it. Most people with your experiences don’t function as well and most are on medications for the rest of their life.” Much in like a stigma attached to mental illness, it strikes me that a stigma also exists for pharmaceuticals as well.

I get the impress this image comes to mind for most people when I mention medication. Sure, there's a deeper rooted issue that needs to be addressed, but I still need help to get there. 

I can get the stance of most anti-pharmaceutical folks. A person has to take one form of drug for diabetes and high blood pressure and the side effects of these medications are treated with other medications. At the root of it all, the person on such medications would likely be better off by adjusting their lifestyle. That would be a much simpler fix, but we’ve become an extremely lazy nation that seeks out the quickest fix to what ails us.

Because we understand so little of the human brain, I can’t say in confidence that lifestyle changes can eradicate something like schizophrenia, depression, bi-polar disorder, or even PTSD.  Sometimes it helps, but it doesn’t take the problem away entirely. We all certainly have phases in life where we experience depression and/or anxiety due to life stressors, but these are temporary for most and permanent for some.

We know that bleak feeling when it's hard to look up - but what about those who can never shake that feeling? How is that their fault? 

By dissecting my own personal experience with depression and PTSD, I can say that I often feel isolated, even though I’m far from it. I feel like I’m staring at the world through a glass bowl. Nothing feels real or genuine. I’m haunted by feelings I don’t want to feel and memories that I’d rather be long forgotten. It’s that voice in my head that plagues me with thoughts of unworthiness and self-loathing.  I feel like I’m both a prisoner and a jailer in my own mind and there are some days I struggle to force myself out of bed to face the world. I manage. Most of us do. However, anyone who has never personally experienced something like this will never truly understand. I am not weak or less than because I need a little bit of help. We don’t look to a person with cancer and label them as weak and unwilling to try harder to overcome their illness. Why is mental health any different?

We are all mad in our own right and as I've evolved in life I've learned that all of us are broken a little - we just aren't all willing to admit it and we all aren't willing to be compassionate to those in the throes of the worst days, either. 

I’ve had some people tell me my ailments can be cured by supplements and vitamins. By all means, if you know a tried and true method to cure or alleviate the symptoms of PTSD, please send it my way. From my own research on PTSD, I know that chronic, traumatic and stressful events physically affect certain areas of the brain in measurable ways. I know of nothing to bring the traumatized areas back to their original state, but I do know of things that are useful tools such as meditating and dancing. Unfortunately, I can’t spend my entire day immersed in these activities because I have to make a living like the rest of us.

"Change your thoughts. Change your frame of mind. Push through it and get over it." That doesn't happen over night. If only it were that easy. 

I also worry about my future. I’ve wanted a family and the medications I take are known to cause birth defects. What happens when I’m ready for that phase in life, should it ever come? Granted, I know that there are many ways to have a family and I’d be more than happy to adopt a child out of the foster care system when I have the means to do so. Additionally, this probably isn’t even something that should be on my list of concerns right now.

I’ve lost interest in feeling the need to prove my case to the rest of the world that medication is a necessary part of me not just being functional, but truly living as well. I went out for hikes this weekend and spent a lot of time among friends. I haven’t done that in a while because I was too busy making excuses for why I couldn’t be there and why I couldn’t do certain things. I spent the last few days just doing. Granted, there are a few things out of my reach at the moment, but I’ll find a way to get to them as well. For now, I'm grateful to once again be standing in the presence of the mantle, the oneness with the silence, the oneness with nature and the oneness with the universe. 

Just one of the many glorious things I've been missing.