"Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds." - Orison Swett Marden
This doesn't have much to do with anything. LOOK AT THOSE LITTLE FLUFFS!! *LOOK AT THEM*
I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this a heck of a lot.
Unfortunately, my schedule hasn’t permitted much room for creativity. I’ve been
working 2 jobs since July. I work on the weekends at the airport. I thought I’d
help us get ahead financially. What happened with that is just one thing after
another that demands the extra money. So, I tell myself to calm down, pick up
another debt tackling book (I hear Dave Ramsey’s methods have done wonders for
people), and try again when I can now that I’m finally starting to find some
form of a ‘groove’ in my life.
It’s not the 2 jobs so much as it is a lot of other things
in life that manages to drain my soul dry. My commute is long and frustrating.
I’m looking at a minimum of 1 hour no matter which method I choose to use traveling
to and from work and home. I’ve been sticking to my bike as much as possible because
that at least gives me a good amount of exercise during the week and serves as
a stress outlet for my work environment. I think the main issue I have with
that commute is that it just makes for a really long day. Now that I’m working
4 10’s instead of 8 hour M-F, my days feel even longer. The plus side is that I
now have a day off, and I’ve been working 7 straight for months on end.
And I’m tired. So very
tired. There’s a lot of factors that contribute to my lethargy. My work
stress, my work load, my family, and also the fact that I feel as if I’ve never
really had time to process just the events of the beginning of the year. I lost
a baby; and I was elated beyond words at the thought of that baby. I moved in
with The One, Micheal. Just a couple of months after that Micheal’s son, Kolby,
came to stay with us for 9 weeks. And in the middle of that I was planning one
killer surprise birthday party bash for Micheal.
Get it?! It was pun themed and karaoke. Two of his favorite things.
On a side note, I have to give myself bragging rights. I
spent months planning that party, putting together favor bags for guests to
take home, coming up with ideas, etc. While he has considerably more time at
home than me, I still managed to get it all together without him knowing. I am awesome.
. . or he’s just really good at
pretending to be surprised. Touché, Sir. Touché.
With Kolby there for the summer, I had my first shot at
being a step mom to a tween boy. He’s recently turned 12 and caught in that
space between childlike and paving on into adult hood. I found I really suck at
it. I’ve done youth support groups, but all of my work with children and teens
has been with females. What on earth was I going to do with a boy?! Also, I was
certainly the Debbie Downer. Father’s stance: Sure! You can watch tv and play
video games while I’m at work. When I’m home, we can play them together until
12 AM in the morning. My Stance: Heck no! What have you done to better yourself
or contribute to the greater good?! Go outside and learn something!!!
I just
wish I could have been around to provide some form of mentor or companionship.
Heck, I wish I could have afforded to send him to a really cool learning camp
during the day. But I can’t; so I was the voice of reason most of the time:
well balanced meals, do some chores, I don’t care if you don’t like the look of
that vegetable you’ll try it anyway, etc.
And I feel for that kid. His situation sucks. It sucks for
everyone, really. I try not to think about it too much because there isn’t
anything I can do about it. I can only hope something gives and that I’m doing
what’s best for him. I felt like I was far more neurotic with him with us. I
had to take far more care to what I wore around the apartment, locking doors
while in bedroom, shower, etc. He’s at an age where I need to be cautious with
those things. Not that I’m complaining, it’s just that it felt like an
impossible adjustment while I was trying to process my loss.
Loss wasn’t my only experience. The other was abandonment.
My adopted family decided to sell most of their possessions and buy a house in
Hawaii. Of course, the biological son moved with them (the one who hasn’t had a
job in decades or paid his way through life) and there wasn’t even a mention of
‘Sorry we’re moving so far’ – like no remorse whatsoever. I suppose I should
have expected that, but I was also holding onto some shred of hope that my
entire situation with them wasn’t the sham that I thought it was.
Abandonment: that awful feeling of being unloved, unwanted, not good enough.
They would call me every so often after their move. I was
working 7 days a week and they’d make me feel guilty for not reaching me right
away and tell me about tiling their backyard. I was riding my bike home one
evening, thinking about how I was going to find time to take my car into DEQ
and register because I was overdue. I was worried about getting a ticket. I
started to take note of the things around me: the smells, the shops, the types
of buildings. I realized this was something that wasn’t seen in an affluent
neighborhood. My adopted family wouldn’t allow anything like that to be
anywhere near where they lived. None of the residents of an affluent
neighborhood would. And I realized that tickets are really only given to the
poor and I wouldn’t have to worry about my registration being overdue if I had
still lived in the same neighborhood as my adopted family. That was when I
realized this family wasn’t even on the same planet as me and I needed some
space.
So I backed off. I changed my cell phone number and didn’t
give it to adopted mother or brother. They kept calling Micheal’s phone. Then
their calls increased to where they were calling several times a day. I wound
up writing them an email asking them to stop and saying that I needed space to
sort out how my relationships will be defined going forward. I give them credit
for honoring my request. Yesterday, I received a Christmas card in the mail
from adopted mother that was all about family. I had no reaction to it, really.
And there was a span of time where I questioned if I’m doing
the right thing. My therapist has been telling me to get out of that situation
for years and reiterated that I absolutely am doing the right thing. Before I
establish regular contact again, I’m told it’s important for me to determine
every single reason I’m angry with adopted mom. And that’s something I’ll need
to process on my own, because that family isn’t the type to ever admit error. I
have to put myself first here, so it will be a while before I’m ready for a
full relationship with them again.
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go" - Hermann Hesse
In the work front, I’m trying to get in with a clinic that’s
an extension of the large hospital. This clinic is closer to my home and caters
to underserved populations. Everything about it aligns with my own moral
compass. It just seems like a win/win to me, so I keep trying to get them to
take me on. I’ve interviewed several times for different positions. I’m not
selected in the end, but they do keep having me back. In the beginning, I asked
for honest feedback. I half joked with
them last time that I’d have to resort to subliminal messaging to get them to
hire me. I think they thought I was literally joking. No. I wasn’t. I spammed
them several times within a week. Part of it was following through with my
words and the other part was my own frustration and disappointment that I’d
been passed up again. The email itself is fairly amusing. I might post it here.
I was contacted by the clinic again last week. They’ll be
having me back for another interview. I’m giving them to next week for word
before I commence with spamming once again. The emails consist of some random
photo of me and what that says about my character. I figure before this is all
over, they will give me a job. Or a restraining order. Either way, I will feel
as if my work has paid off.
Back to major life events: moving in with Micheal earlier
this year. It was an adjustment to come home to someone else every day. He’s
always the calm one while I flitter about worrying of some impending apocalyptic
doom that’s entirely made up in my head. We learned some ground rules early on.
And between my needing space to process and him wanting my presence when I get
home, we’ve found an equilibrium. We’ve found a common ground on most things. There was a day when I felt hungry before I
jumped on my bike. As I neared the end of my 15 mile trek home from work I
thought I could devour an entire village. We had pizza the night before, so I
knew it was waiting for me.
1 slice. There was one damn slice of pizza.
That’s when Micheal learned that I require 2 slices or none
at all. Of course, had I not been so hungry I don’t think I would have cared at
all. And I laugh about it every time I tell that story because I was still
hormonal due to HCG taking a million years to leave my system, under slept and
dressed out.
I think what’s important is that we can laugh at ourselves
at the end. There are days when I’m temperamental and there are days when he
is. We can always come back to one another. That’s a habit we haven’t had to
put much work into, and I think that’s because we both wasted too long not
being together. There are times when I look at him still and think I’m
dreaming; somehow this isn’t my reality. Just last night I thought to myself, “This must be what surrender feels like:
perfect and genuine trust.” And when I had that thought, I realized I haven’t
genuinely trusted a single person in a very long time. I guess that has to do
with my own guards: waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the other
person to turn on me, trying to outdraw someone and shoot first. Micheal sees
the best in everyone and I see some of his behavior has rubbed off on me. And
he deals with the aging and grump basset hound like a pro. He has my heart. I
surrender.
There have been so many ups and downs this year that I can’t
recall now because I’m too far removed. The gist of most of that is that my
work environment is fairly toxic and I’ve found beauty in the smallest of
things. Those are the things that help me push forward to another day to face
the madness again.
The biggest event of this year was our engagement. I
confess, he caught me by surprise and I didn’t see it coming. I had actually
set this outing in motion. It just so happened that no one else could come with
us with the exception of David and Mary (Micheal’s brother and brother’s fiancé).
I’ve always loved the festive lights this time of year. That was probably my
favorite part about Christmas when I was a little girl. Several years ago
Micheal took me to Peacock Lane. This year he took me to Festival of Lights at The Grotto. It was raining, so he bought me an umbrella on the way. I had
wanted to go for some time. In hindsight, he looked at me differently. As I
went on and on about the lights, the music, how lovely it all was, he looked on
at me and smiled.
Before leaving the lights, we were to stop for a picture
together. He asked me to pick a spot. I chose the Christmas tree, which I
thought would be perfect for holiday cards. We smiled for the camera while his
brother and brother’s fiancé took photos. He then turned to me and said ‘that’s
not all’ as he pulled out a small box. True to my character, I was overcome
with emotion. I didn’t say yes or no right away. Instead I said, “Are you going
to make me vomit?! I’m going to vomit” dozens of times. Of course, the answer
was a big fat yes.
Look at that expression! It's genuine joy. As a friend said, "I can't tell if he's just proposed or given you a puppy".
Since he had planned this out, we were fortunate to have
photos. We went through them when we got home. In the first photo taken of us,
he’s holding the ring behind my back. I was still clueless when that photo was
taken. Everything about that night was perfect, right down to him calming me
before we left when I got home right after work because I thought I’d make
everyone have to wait on us. The ring is a testament to how much this guy
understands me, because I know no one else could have possibly picked out
something I love this much.
Just a week or two prior to this, I had finally finished a
gift I’d been working on for Micheal. It took me the course of several months.
Whether or not he remembers, he gave me the idea. It’s a soundtrack of our love story, complete with
break up songs since this is our third time at this. I picked out songs that
told our story from my perspective, tweaking it until I had everything arranged
to have the right blow. It wasn’t just the song or the lyrics, but also which version
I thought was best. And then I fought with the dang thing even more when I
couldn’t figure out how to actually get it onto CD because of some dumb error
message I kept getting from the computer I was using. I gave him the files, he burned them onto discs, and
then I made them pretty with things I had purchased on Amazon specifically for
this gift. We joke that if we have a wedding we’ll make everyone listen to our
soundtrack.
As the year comes to an end, I can look back with nothing
but gratitude. Gratitude for the blessings and the hardships that resulted in
my own growth. Gratitude for the tough decisions I had to make and the learning
I still have yet to do. Gratitude for this wonderful human being that has come
back into my life for good, one who has shown a patience and tenderness that
has not been granted to me for many years. As he’s told me over and over again,
he’s got me; he has my back. Indeed you do, Sir. I surrender.
The Grotto was originally simply a refuge of peace to me. Now it has taken on another meaning.
“I didn’t fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things we’d choose anyway. And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.” – Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars