Moving Forward

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. ~ Hermann Hesse

I had really hoped to turn in early tonight, but I’ve learned to listen to myself and the thoughts must come out!

Firstly, I have an important and exciting announcement. For once I’ve let someone else in: I’ve come clean to my mother about all of the things I’ve been internalizing and holding back – including the anger harbored towards her for some time, my failed suicide attempt and thoughts on my future in general. We connected on a deeper level. Our relationship has been a bit of a challenge at times, as she adopted me a little of a year ago when I was 25 and I think mother and daughter are still working on getting to know one another; not to mention she has a full grown daughter who’s been dealing with some tough issues over the last several years. We are both learning to compromise, communicate and understand one another. Tonight we accomplished all three. Woot!

In other news, I had intended to save it, but I just can’t help myself. My psychic has given me oil to put in a bathtub. I did my first bath last Saturday around midnight. Why midnight? This symbolically represents the end and beginning of something, rebirth, and is also when the natural forces are the strongest – think of the growing and waning of the moon.

I was instructed to firstly not talk about the process until it’s complete, but I think this is too exciting to keep to myself for the next three weeks. 9 drops of the solution are put into the bathtub and the water is then mixed counterclockwise with the left hand 9 times. There are many symbolic aspects of these instructions. I was told I must stay immerse in the water for fifteen minutes, then stand up, say to the Universe that I realize the negativity that has bound me and I send it back to my afflicter.

This is exactly what I did, and I now share with you the images I saw while meditating in the water. For me, it has all been symbolic of me letting go, breaking away and becoming a new person. Here’s what I saw:

First I saw myself in a womb. I wasn’t a fetus; I was full grown, as I am now. I think this is symbolic of being enveloped by the Earth Mother.

The next image I saw was me as an empty shell above the earth . . similar to the skin left behind by a bug. Everything around me was desolate: the tree, the earth, the sky was ominous in appearance. I crawled up through the rich soil lying beneath the empty shell and touched her; she shattered into a million pieces. Perhaps this is what I was: an empty shell ready to break at any moment.

I then saw Aaron standing above me. He was trying to choke me. I told him he’d never touch me again. Seeing him is symbolic of him choking my spirit because I allowed him to have too much of a hold on me.

Lastly, I saw many versions of myself, all in the form of Mayans. They were dancing around a fire. Near the fire was Aaron, Lenora, Frank, Tamara and Joy. They glared at the many versions of me with anger in their eyes and the versions of myself continued to dance around them.

I was then submerged in water, filthy and covered in muck. The other Mayan versions  of myself started to gently scrub me until all of the soot had worn away and drifted away downstream.

I stood up in the tub and said I released myself from all of the negativity and anger and sent it back to Aaron. I told him that he and his family would no longer have any hold whatsoever on me. I released myself from his touch, his stares and his tongue that both lied and touched me and sent it back to him.

I then lay in the tub for a while until the water began to get too cold for my liking. In my mind, I heard a plane go by and felt a moment of familiar nostalgia . . . looking up as a little girl on the front lawn of my house surrounded by sunshine – before anything sad had ever come into my life.