Self-Awareness and the Subconcious

“Seven long years I served for thee,

The glassy hill I climbed for thee,

The bloody shirt I wrang for thee,

Will you not waken and turn to me?” – Scottish Lore: The Black Bull of Norroway

One of the recurring themes in my life lately has been love, and what love truly is. My morning meditation book spoke of a young woman from Scottish folklore who went to a seer to gain knowledge of her future love. The woman suffers many trials to save this man, who has come to her in the shape of a bull. She must climb a hill of glass with shoes made of iron. She obtains these shoes as the result of a seven year long apprentice service to a smith and in the end must wash her lover’s bloody shirt to disenchant him. One moral of this story is that love is not equal – at least not usually in the beginning; one partner may need to be patient while the other discovers a similar depth of affection. The ability to be constant, consistent and reliable is learned over a long period; during this time, many relationships falter or come to grief. The glassy hill of love presents a great challenge to the faithful lover. The spiked shoes of iron are not made overnight; and many shirts filled with wounds may have to be laundered before old loves and hates learned in past relationships are leached out of the present one. Constancy, perseverance, and patience are the skills we learn in the apprenticeship of love.  

I do my best to live my life with nothing but love for others. It's a lofty goal and I fail at it often. 

Needless to say, my morning meditation blew my mind – it offers the truth of what it means to love another. These are honest truths and I think we have to deal with our own baggage that drags us down until we can truly open up to someone else and provide them with consistency, patience, and a willingness to tough out the bumpy patches in the road. I’ve been doing this entire process for a very long time; not just by lacking in patience, but also by putting unrealistic expectations in my mind. Of course he’ll love me as genuinely as I love him. Of course he’d never hurt me. Why on earth wouldn’t he want to spend more of his free time with me? Of course he’d keep my best interests in mind . . . . . No. That’s just not how it works. The reality is that it takes a hell of a lot of work on both sides to build something beautiful and both participants have to be willing to bend and challenge one another.

I always think back to the analogy the Buddhist gave me about the pumpkin vines. We are connected. Love one another and share in both joy and pain.

Of course, dating in any way shape or form is the last thing on my mind right now. My plate is pretty full these days. I’ve just found an apartment – and my own space is something I’ve needed for a long time but couldn’t obtain until now. It has the perfect set up for the hound and I. It’s a bit farther away from work – but I figure when I can afford a bike and am cycling back and forth I’m going to be in wicked awesome shape. Also, the hound has a fenced in yard and a dog walker; I couldn’t have imagined a better scenario.

My sweet boy. We've made it, hound. 

While I’ve paid for rent for March and April, I won’t really officially be moving in until the very end of April or first week of May. I’ve committed to house/pet sitting for an entire month. I didn’t intend to even start looking for a place until I was done with that commitment, but I stumbled across this ad for an in-law cottage and knew that it was something I had to have. It has a small fenced in yard and a sliding glass door for an insert-able dog door. Also, the landlord has a teenage daughter who loves basset hounds. I’ve found a yard for Merlin, a dog walker, and a place to live all in one fell swoop. I literally pestered the landlord until I was first in line and went straight to the bank to give him rent and a deposit the very next day. I beat out the one gal that was on top of the list by my endless persistence. 

I’m not sure if it’s the excitement of the last few days or my commitments that leave me feeling exhausted. I feel as if I’ve literally been going nonstop since February. I’d love to have a weekend to just pack, or sleep, or lounge about for a while. That hasn’t been available to me in a very long time. I’m always doing something. If it hasn’t been apartment hunting,  trying to cross off items of what feels like an endless to-do list, it’s been catching up with friends. I love my friends dearly, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to take a breather and disappear for a week or two just for the sake of my sanity. Emotionally, physically and psychically I’m nearly tapped out. There’s not much left there to give. I just need to get through a few more days and then I can allow myself some much needed down time before I keel over from exhaustion.

My secret fear is that my boss will walk into my office one day only to find me curled up under my desk fast asleep.

I’m still working on being in the moment as well. Since I’ve had my new place, my mind is already scheming ways to section off a part to make a ‘room’ for my bed, where I’m getting furniture and also where in the hell am I going to get a fridge because the previous tenant ruined the one that was in the unit. Rather than driving myself crazy by thinking about how I’m going to pay for x, y and z and in what order these events should unfold, I keep reminding myself to let it go. It will work out. It's not worth losing sleep over as the result of me driving myself to madness with worry.

My slow decent into madness! I feel like I'm half way there already. 

While I’m grappling with my mind go to stay in one place, I’m wrestling with it on a subconscious level as well. I went to tango last night and noticed it for the first time. Perhaps this has been going on all along and this is the first time I’ve achieved a level of self-awareness that had allowed me to see it. What my cognition was telling me and the message that my subconscious was sending my body were two very conflicting messages.

 I do know that I tend to struggle when I dance with someone I’ve never met or danced with before. I had a new dance partner. I’ve never seen him before. He was polite, kind and didn’t display any kind of behavior that would make me feel uncomfortable. I knew he meant me know harm, yet I couldn’t get my body to feel that way. I could hardly follow because I was so tense. It wasn’t until the very last song that my subconscious got with the program and started cooperating – and then I was able to follow at least for a little bit. It’s a frustrating thing when I know what’s happening and just can’t get the subconscious, reptilian part of my brain/mind to turn off. As I’ve found common ground with others in my life, I can only hope my cognitive side and subconscious side will meet somewhere in the middle. 

I really have no idea what's going on in the vast subconscious of my mind - only that those two parts of me need to start working together.

Wrapping up, a brief tangent on tango. I've hooked my brother in for a second time. Last night had a lot of good dancers. I spent most of my time watching and still dream of the day when my boleos don't look like someone scraping dog poo off of their shoe. I'm either too tense or too self conscious - or maybe a combination of both. The good news about my new adventure in life being on my own is that I'll actually have room to do things that are good for me at home - like yoga and dancing. Life is looking up. Thank you for your support and words of encouragement; the power of a few kind words is immeasurable. 

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves." - Buddha