In The Beginning There Was Dancing

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth . . .  not going all the way, and not starting.” ~ Buddha

I remember a friend’s words to me when I felt broken and just wanted to give up, “You have an inner strength that is holding you up even if you can’t see it right now.” I didn’t believe him then.  I never thought I was strong or brave and certainly didn’t think enough of myself to know that I would endure it all. Reflecting on this past year, I believe him now.

It wasn’t easy. I spent a long time reclaiming my body and have just begun to reclaim my spirit. The latter part has been a beautiful awakening. As frustrated as I became, as much as I pleaded for the pain and burden to be taken away – it remained. I endured; I always do - and I am better for it. If there was ever a doubt in my mind that I was breakable, it no longer exists.

I look at the end result from all of this: Those that truly cared stayed and those that needed to move in a different direction are gone. There were times I felt isolated, alone and misunderstood.  Sometimes I thought the pain and numbing would take over and an empty shell would remain. I trudged on by myself because it was necessary; life doesn’t hold us by the hand. I called on the strength of those who have gone before me and the memories of them encouraged me to move forward when nothing else would. I find comfort in the thought that a part of them is still with me.

I have been told so often that what happened was nothing personal and only had to do with power. Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I still can’t talk about it because all I want to do is cry and I usually feel as if I'm going to throw up. Those two feelings are unpleasant. Instead of looking behind me, I can look forward and rejoice for the present moment and my hope for things to come.

I was emotionally dead for so long. I wanted to separate myself from the only world I knew - it felt harsh and frightening at times. I can see now that it was only a small few that didn't deserve that place in my life to begin with. I now find myself blissfully aware of every current moment – I can only describe it as a dreamlike state in which I hope to remain. Perhaps this is what life should have been all along.

With the coming new year, all I can say is that I am ready. I am watching, waiting and dancing. My heart is as open as the sky.

“Dance when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”  ~ Rumi