Douche Baggery

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others." ~ Benjamin Franklin

This is yet another tale from a chapter in my crazy life. I realized long ago that I have a knack for attracting the odd, inconsiderate, obsessed and self absorbed . . . it must be a gift. I do have some fabulous folks in my life and they are very dear to me. When I think about the 'colorful' people that cross my path on what feels like a daily basis, I am grateful to have such great friends that bring a sense of normalcy to all of the chaos.

I had a recent encounter (several actually) with one who can be considered a vegan douche bag. A vegan douche bag is a vegan who alienates others for not being vegan or not strict enough of a vegan and takes a sickening pleasure in pointing out that something isn't vegan. Vegan douche bags typically enjoy smelling their own farts because they are so smug.

I haven't met many vegans. I do have a cousin who is a vegan, and I love her dearly. Aside from her, the other vegans I've met are self-righteous douche bags. If vegans care about animal rights, support local farmers and eat healthy, why is it that they are consistently such royal pricks (my cousin excluded, of course)? I think the answer is simple - vegan douche bags are completely out of touch with normal people. In order to get a meal that suits their requirements, they will either eat at a vegan restaurant or shop at vegan specialty stores. As a result, these douche bags spend far too much time with other douche bags and the douche baggery acts as a contagious fanaticism that gives one the feeling of superiority over others . . . because obviously they care more about the environment than a meat eater ever could and their actions are more humane, despite how they treat others on a daily basis.

I myself have been a vegetarian for many years. I limit my dairy intake because I'm semi lactose intolerant . . . . and sometimes I cheat on these two things. On rare occasions I eat sushi and will from time to time eat dairy. However, even if I lived this lifestyle in the strictest sense, I would never presume to tell anyone what they should consume, what a horrible thing it is their doing, etc. If one asks me why I don't eat meat, I tell them it's because I think all living creatures should be treated humanely. End of story. I never say anything more than that. Fanaticism in any form is never a good thing, whether it be lifestyle choices, religion, morals, or anything else that is a personal choice or way of life. Things start to decline pretty rapidly when we start to think we're superior to others.

Now onto my story. I met the vegan douche bag a several weeks ago. Vegan douche bag seemed harmless. He had just broke his foot before I met him in person. I knew there wasn't any possible way under the sun that he could physically harm me.  In fact, if he made the wrong move, I intended to step on his foot and run. This was a foolproof plan. What do I do for our first meeting? From talking to him in our brief encounters, it sounded like he was having a rough week. I offered to make him dinner while simultaneously threatening the sanctity of his broken foot should he try anything.

He seemed down to earth, a vegan, an animal lover, open minded and the creative type. Word. I've learned however, that people present themselves quite differently than they really are when initial friendships or some form of relationship is being established. This is something I don't quite understand yet. I've always been an honest and open person. 

I think the evening went well. We chatted while I cooked and then watched a comedy sketch. Thus began a friendship that lasted a little over a two months. Because vegan douche bag had recently broke his foot and had no vehicle of his own, I offered to help him get to class. As a fellow college student, I felt it somewhat of a duty to help another psych major in need. VDB is taking courses at one of Portland's man community colleges and wants to work the GLBTQ community.

Driving him to and from his campus was a whole other thing entirely. I go to PSU in SW. Vegan douche bag lives on the other side of the river and goes to campus in yet another section of town (about a 15 minute drive from his house). This turned out to be a heavy load of driving. In fact, within less than a week's time, I had put 76 miles on my car. I rarely drive my car. 

As it turns out, this didn't just include driving him to and from campus. He needed stops at the grocery store and several outings to find the perfect get up for a vegan prom. I didn't know that events such as this exist, but this is Portland after all. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because I just marched in the first annual Slut Walk.

Vegan douche bag talked to me a lot about his relationships. He's had many. In fact, I'd say he's a bit of a man whore. When I first started hanging out with VDB, he talked about a couple of other gals quite a bit. He didn't say that he was sleeping around with them, but I think I'm smart enough to put two and two together. This later came up in conversation. He seemed surprised that I'd figured out it. Not only did VDB say that he was the 'perfect boyfriend', he also said he has the 'perfect cock'. His exact words, not mine. Umm . . . . why would I care if you have a rooster?

For the record. THIS is the perfect cock. 

The fact that there were other gals in the picture didn't bother me. I didn't want a relationship, only a friend. I ended up not liking what I learned from him and this is sometimes how it goes. He mentioned many of his relationships. I commented that out of my handful of relationships there's only been one that I've ever loved. VDB looks at me with an odd expression in his eyes, "And you walked away?" Considering the circumstances, I think I had to. You can't judge someone without knowing the whole story. On that note, there are two sides to every story, and this is mine.

It starts with his outing to the vegan prom. VDB tells me that he's going out with a group of people he hasn't met before and a gal who is to be his date was heading over to his place to get ready and they would leave together. I went off to a movie screening for 'Happy'. If you have not yet seen this documentary go do so immediately. This is one amazing film. At any rate, I receive a text around 9:30 from VDB asking me to come over right away. I gathered that something really awful had happened, as he was supposed to be living it up doing whatever it is that vegans do at a prom.

I showed up maybe half an hour later and wasn't prepared for what awaited me. VDB was in a fury. He kept going on and on about how he felt 'disrespected' and 'lied to.' The cause for this douche baggery kind of rage? His date was transgendered. She had had the full blown operation. When she broke the news to VDB, he decided he couldn't handle it and didn't want to go to the vegan prom with her. He left her at the bus stop.

As the vegan douche bag continued to carry on about how disrespected he was by this whole scenario, I said this, "Isn't this the line of work you're going into?" I thought it was a legitimate question. VDB took offense to this. I then spent the next half hour assuring him that I wasn't being condescending, I was only trying to understand where he was coming from. To be honest, I still don't understand his point of view.  

Then there were other things that slowly grated on my nerves. Eventually, I realized I just couldn't handle any more of his antics. I told myself that I should be patient and understanding because he was going through a difficult and frustrating time. No doubt nearly going on a date with a transgender left a very deep scar on his psyche. I don't think this can excuse douche bag behavior. I've been going through one hell of a time myself and I've never taken it out on anyone and I never for one instant think that my pain is unique. There are always things in life to be grateful for. Always.

VDB took an odd pleasure in pointing out things that I consumed or purchased that weren't vegan. Soy cheese? "Oh, look. It's got milk protein. It's not vegan." Feather earrings: "When did you buy them? Oh, it was a while ago, so it's okay." Soy caramel macchiato? "That caramel sauce has dairy." There was even a time I reached for a splenda for my tea. His response, "Splenda is bad for you." For the love of all that is sacred and holy! I do what I can. End of story. If I have feather earrings that I like to wear, I'm sure as heck going to wear them. In fact, I may even wear them to a vegan prom just to make a point.

Recycling? This is one that really got me. An excessive recycler, VDB reused damn near everything. I don't see anything wrong with this; in fact, I think it's quite admirable. This is something that I only find bothersome when someone steps into douche bag territory. VDB is a fan of Starbucks.  He reuses his plastic venti cold cups. What makes more sense to me is purchasing a reusable cup in the first place and reusing that one over and over. Not VDB; he has a small collection of these wretched plastic cups. We had stopped at Starbucks and then went to the park. I finished my dairy infused caramel macchiato with soy and went to the nearest trash receptacle to toss my cup. VDB looks at me in disgust, "Isn't that recyclable?" I peer at the cup and can't find a recycle symbol on it and then I reply to his question with a 'no.' VDB then says, "Well, just remember you're contributing to the landfill."

Does anyone know where I can find this product? 

REALLY? The fact that I was hauling your arse around to hell and back, filling up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on exhaust, get cancer and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we all slowly die from internal bleeding was not a concern for you, but this one plastic cup is a problem? I think there is a double standard here and I do not like it.

I had a dinner at my house last week. I asked VDB if he wished to join us. It was a thank you for the most awesome TA I've ever met. She's given me so much support. I don't know what I'd do without her. It would have been lovely, but VDB let out his douche baggery in full swing. I didn't hear most of the conversation because I was busy cooking, but I could gather that he was being a buzz kill. It's one thing to be a douche bag to me, but be a douche bag to my friends and family is another thing entirely. I will then save all of your sins against you and blog about them for the world to see. Luckily for the douche bags of the world that I'm not spiteful enough to include names in my antics.

*On a side note, while at my home, I learn that the vegan doesn't care for dogs. How can a self proclaimed animal lover not like dogs? Particularly my dogs. Not to brag, but my two furry ones have won over even the harshest critics. The vegan doesn't like my dogs. He thinks they're smelly and drool. This is true, they are dogs and dogs do have these traits. I love them regardless.*

His douche baggery didn't stop there, either. Here are a couple more snippets from my encounters with the fanatic douche bag. During the process of the brief time I knew him, VDB informs me that his very good friend suddenly died in a car accident. I'm not making light of this. I think it's horrible and I wouldn't wish this kind of thing on anyone. This was all he talked about for weeks. I for one, have experienced so much death in my life that I fear I'm numb to it. I literally have no reaction at all. I listened to what he had to say. I couldn't say anything in response, because I didn't feel any of my words could be uplifting, particularly considering the emotions I was trying to sort out from recent events. VDB then says to me one day, "I don't know if you've ever experienced loss before, but you can't imagine . . . " I quite literally wanted to slap him across the face. He knew that I'd lost a good deal of those close to me at a young age. I think that's an inconsiderate thing to say to anyone,  particularly someone with life experiences such as mine. Again, I don't pretend that my pain is unique, but I do understand what it feels like to lose and grieve.

VDB wanted me to talk about an assault that occurred a while ago, but recent enough for me to still be in the midst of processing everything, trying to make sense of it, and moving on. I honestly wasn't ready for it, but I tried because I figured he was trying to help me. While I reeling from waves of nausea from even letting this unfortunate event cross my mind, VDB says, "You know, you should take back what's yours and just have sex." One can only assume that he meant my sexuality. I have news for you VDB, my sexuality is my own and I'll move on when I'm damn well ready. For now, no one touches me without permission.

Our brief friendship came to a crashing halt when he began to take everything I say far too personally and for no good reason. VDB got a new roommate. She's from Boston. According to VDB, he knows her really well . . . although he only spoke with her online and never met her in person before she arrived. When she arrived, she came with a guy who helped her move in. This really seemed to bother VDB. He was obsessed with his roommate's relationship with this guy. In fact, it's all he talked about. He continued to rant about it one morning while I'm driving and he's in the passenger seat. I say that I just assumed he was interested in her because he was so concerned about her relationship with this guy. VDB is irate. He tells me I can't assume things because it breaks down communication. As it turns out, if I had asked this in a question form, all would be fine in his mind and it really boils down to an issue of semantics.

I could care less who he's interested in. It seemed like the natural conclusion to make in reference to his new roommate  I remember telling VDB that I was meeting up with an old friend for coffee. The first thing that pops out of his mouth is this, "Are you going to sleep together?" I'm not one to be easily offended, but now that I reflect on that scenario, I think I should have been. I'm learning from these experiences; I guess that's all I can ask.

This brings me to the final and last straw. This was the same day I learned that caramel sauce contains dairy and I am a dirty sinner because I didn't recycle one plastic cup. VDB and I stopped and Starbucks and went to the park. After which he wanted to stop off at the bank. He sees a smoke shop next door and wants to look around, then another shop across the street. I'm really not in the mood for any of this, but I'm tagging along because I figured he needed company and needed to be out of his apartment because he didn't seem to care for his new roommate, her boyfriend who stayed for a few days, or anything else in his life.

We make a stop at New Season's. On our way in, we pass a girl juggling on the street for money. She drops and fumbles with her items as we pass by. VDB then remarks, "I think I distracted her." While we're in the store, VDB looks at me and says, "You must be bored out of your mind." I smile and say, "It's no big deal. You have things to do and I have a car." I really didn't mean anything by this. He gets angry with me again saying that I'm assuming he only wants to hang out with me because I have a car. Quite frankly, the thought hadn't crossed my mind until he responded to me with his channeled fury of which I was beginning to grow quite tired. 

This was my breaking point. I rarely get angry and I can't even recall a time when I cussed at another human being out of anger. I told him that he was getting mad over the most stupid f*cking things and he needed to stop. VDB said nothing. He continued walking. We exit the store, I'm walking ahead of him because I can't stand to look at his douche bag face at the moment. He leaves a dollar with the juggling girl and catches up with me.

We then get to my car. He leaves the door open and his foot hanging out. He insists he's done nothing wrong. I tell him to close the door because he's draining the overhead light and I'm ready to leave. I drive him home. He says he's trying to talk to me. I tell him that's not happening and I head home.

Tonight, I received a text from VDB saying he's sorry and we should move past this. I tell him I don't think so. I've got enough on my hands and don't need or want any unnecessary drama in my life. He then responds with this, "I sort of predicted your reaction." Who's assuming now, douche bag?

I think this is only driving the point home that I'm not ready for the dating world whatsoever. Even if it's just hanging out, meeting up for coffee and going to the park while I simultaneously burn a hole in the ozone layer because of the mileage I'm driving. I can't handle this - I have to reconnect with myself first.

I remember thinking when VDB reacted so hotly to the situation with the transgender that he was a dramatic douche bag, but kept telling myself that he needed someone with patience and understanding to help him through his tough time. No, what really happened is that my intuition was correct and I shut it out. When I finally learn to listen to myself perhaps I'll dip my toe back into the water. For now, I'm staying away from the pond.

"Your mind knows only some things. Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything. If you listen to what you know instinctively, it will always lead you down the right path." ~ Henry Winkler