“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till
it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then,
for that is just the place and time that the time will turn.” – Harriet Beecher
Stowe.
There are times in life when it’s just plain hard to look
up, despite how much you desperately want to. Sometimes it’s just not easy to
see the positive or the good. I think that would about sum up the events of
this last month. I feel as though I’m hanging on by a thread and so help me if
one more thing goes wrong I may crack. Seriously. This month has given me a royal beating.
Okay, September. I surrender. I raise my white flag to you.
My car broke again. My bike broke on me like three times in
the span of three weeks. It’s still broken because I had so many other extra
expenses pertaining to the hound, my own medical bills, etc. I’m also f*cking
turning 30 in like 3 days and admittedly having a bit of a meltdown about it. I’m
asking myself why I don’t have my act together. What’s wrong with me? Why did I
never accomplish what I thought I would at this juncture in life?
Then the wonderful guy I was dating realized he just wasn’t
emotionally ready for anything beyond friendship. His timing is horrid, but
that’s just life, isn’t it? I’m very sad about it – because I thought finally
someone good had come into my life and it’s been a very long time since I’ve
had a good and kind person by my side. I understand where he’s coming from but
that doesn’t make it hurt any less. In fact, I think it hurts more because he’s
so wonderful. Heck, I’ve been there before as well. I initiated something and
realized emotionally I just wasn’t in it and I probably hurt him. I think he
was a much bigger person than I was when it happened to me. I broke my moral
compass regarding speaking out of anger and said a lot of terrible things. He
didn’t deserve that. No one deserves that. I can admit when I’m wrong and have
done as much. He doesn’t think any less of me and I’m certain that’s more than
I deserve. I think the next time something like this happens I need to flee
into the wilderness and cut off any form of communication from the world so I
don’t lash out. I think dating needs to
be tabled for a while. I have too many other stressors in life and I think I
need to let my wounds heal from this experience.
He was chivalrous, kind, intelligent and witty. His smile embodied that warmth he gave to others.
Again I have to remind myself what got me here where I am now: just plain
not thinking things through. I thought I could handle a place with no kitchen.
It’s not just about that anymore, but my own personal safety. There is no sense
of boundaries, really. Just over the weekend I had my landlord’s daughter simply
walk into my apartment with four of her friends. I am not amused. My landlord
was practically frothing at the mouth because I was talking to the neighbors,
who have been a huge help to me and given me endless moral support. I don’t
even want to be there right now, but I have to go back to pack. I admit I’m a
little bit afraid because the landlord strikes me as a ticking bomb.
I want to be as far removed from this dysfunction as possible.
My happy ending this month is that I found a place that’s
better and closer to work. It has a
kitchen! OMG! I’m moving on up in the world. The neighborhood doesn’t scare me.
I’d be perfectly fine walking around with the hound when the sun is not out. In
this scenario, however, the hound will have to take one for the team until I
can sort out a dog door – which means he’ll be outside while I’m at work. The
landlord happens to work for the same organization that I work for. I think
that was a big help to me in being chosen out of all of the other applicants .
. . because renting in Portland is tough and I magically beat out 85 other
applicants – with a hound dog.
The dynamic duo triumphs in the end.
For now I’m reminding myself to just focus on one thing at a
time and not try to look so far ahead into the future. Sure, I need to sort out
a dog door and find a dog house in the interim. I need to get pots and pans
because I have none, I need a kitchen table. I need a lot of things. Whatever.
For now I’ll just be focusing on getting the hell out of there. One thing at a
time, Lass. One thing at a time.
I’ve been talking to a guy I know from tango. He’s going
through a breakup, too – but he’s been with this gal for 7 years. Our solution
to our woes? Smashing things. We have tentative plans to wail on pumpkins and
make a huge mess. Because we can and something about completely laying waste to
things is therapeutically gratifying. We’re both fairly stressed out and
experiencing sleepless nights. I confessed to him last night that I was
disappointed upon learning that he had a girlfriend when I first met him – but I
left it at that. Neither one of us are in that kind of mind frame right now. We’re
slightly embittered about the dating process, why people treat one another like
garbage and that feeling that life has somehow turned against you. While
working through my stress and rage I’ll have a companion to talk with regarding
the things in life I just don’t understand. I guess it’s comforting that someone
else is experiencing the same emotions, so he knows exactly where I’m coming
from.
I am very much looking forward to this.
While outletting my rage on unsuspecting perishables, I’ll
be making an extra effort to find the good things in life, even though it’s
difficult to see them right now and smile even though I feel like I’m breaking.
I’ll make more of an effort to surround myself with the people that make me
happy and make an honest attempt to not freak out over the fact that I’m
turning 30. I make no guarantees that I won’t cry over my ice cream cake or
something.
Just keep looking up. It can't rain forever.
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