Villians

“You learn eventually that, while there are no villains, there are no heroes either. And until you make the final discovery that there are only human beings, who are therefore all the more fascinating, you are liable to miss something.” – Paul Gallico

I've found most villains to be quite amusing.

My most recent ex told me that I villainize others in my writing. Perhaps there’s truth to that; the only perspective that I can offer is my own. What I can say is this: our perception is our reality. If we choose to interpret the actions of others as malicious, if we choose to interpret their behavior as ill intended, that is our reality. What I have given thus far is my own account, my own feelings, my own perception.

I’m disappointed that it didn’t work out. I wanted it to, I really did. I wanted him to be many things. I wanted us to be many things. The reality is this, we are really two people who need the same thing in life: grounding. The harsh truth is that ultimately neither of us could offer that to one another.

There's only so much we can do or give for one another. We can either accept the other as perfectly flawed, or move on when we can't see past those flaws. 

I’m not saying he’s a bad person. I’m saying we’re bad for each other. I caught a glimpse of that when we spent a weekend out of town together. I had to process everything that had occurred over that weekend. I asked for space. I needed space. Three days into the space that I asked for, he called it off. Today he hinted at wanting to get back together. I think that would be a stupid move on my part and bad news for both of us.

If both feel the other has consistently wronged them, it’s just not a good thing. He was there for me through some tough times, and his words also made some of those times really tough on me. I had to consider what was bad for me and what was good. Ultimately, the bad outweighed the good. This isn’t a dig into his character or essence as a person, that’s just how it was.

Whether or not it hinges on the fact that I'm Libra, I need balance. I need fairness. I need for things to be well-rounded and sound.

Today in particular I’ve been called many things: coward, flawed, and while not implicitly stated, mentally unstable. I’ll admit it hurts, particularly from someone I trusted and who meant a good deal to me. What I can say is this, I honestly don’t feel I’m to blame. I’m not saying he’s to blame, either – I just refuse to allow someone to make me feel at fault. Life doesn’t always play out as we’d hoped or intended. It’s full of surprises, twists, turns, setbacks and leaps forward. That’s part of the beauty of living.

Go fly a kite. Literally . . . because it's loads of fun.

I can say with all honesty I never envisioned myself to be where I am in life right now. It’s not where I intended to be, but it’s where I am. I’m gradually getting closer to the life I had hoped for. Sometimes I experience setbacks that feel so enormous and discouraging that I just want to wave a white flag and surrender. However, the worry, anxiety and stress poured into those scenarios really doesn’t do me any good. It’s wasted energy, really. Despite another setback to achieving my personal goals, I’m trying to glean the better parts of my current life. I won’t achieve independence as soon as I’d hoped. I’m disappointed, but I won’t be consumed with regret or even think about pointing a finger at anyone else but me.

For now, I think I have more than most could have hoped for. I have an amazing support network. It wasn’t something that’s just been handed over to me, it’s something that has been built over time and includes people who choose to see the best in me. Those are the types of people that I want to keep close to me. I have tango. There is no greater bliss in this world. I have a basset hound. There is no greater example of one who loves unconditionally and without expectation (with the exception of walks) than a dog. These are things that bring me joy in life help me get through some of the darker times life brings. They hold me gently and carry me back into the light when I can’t get there myself.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde