“The ground we walk on, the plants and creatures, the clouds above
constantly dissolving into new formations – each gift of nature possessing its
own radiant energy, bound together by cosmic harmony.” - Ruth Bernhard
I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve run into that are
amazed by how I look these days. The word I hear the most is ‘radiant’. Not
only do I take this as a huge compliment, but it also tells me that I have
begun to process and let go of the pain I was feeling over the loss of someone
I loved very deeply – the only person I’ve ever loved that deeply. Don’t get me
wrong, there are still days I want to kick myself for everything that took
place; not just my actions, but for the actions against me that I allowed. I am
my harshest critic and I’m learning to be kinder to myself.
This is what people see in me - the wonder, the awe, the joy
Part of my ‘Chakracise’ is learning to reflect positively.
One thought I’ve used quite a bit in meditation lately is this: “Every decision
made is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. Relinquish the regret and
choose the miracle.” I can look at some of the most ugly things in life I’ve
experienced and even if I can’t find a miracle in the actual incident, I can
still tell myself that I’m here. Considering the quantity of ugliness I’ve
encountered throughout my life, I’d say I’m doing handling it quite smashingly.
Even during the times I feel like I’m breaking and life is just too heavy,
there is a miracle because I still strive to find something positive. There are
days I have to push a little harder, but there is beauty. There is beauty and
that’s a miracle.
“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind
is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” – Buddha
The more I’ve ventured out of my comfort zone while
simultaneously gradually immersing myself in the world of tango I’ve discovered
how very cliquish it is. I was told about these cliques, but had not yet
witnessed these groups in action.
I went out last night to a venue I’d never been to before. I
didn’t know a single soul there. A friend said she was definitely going and a
couple of others said they may make an appearance. Guess who got stood up? Part
of me thinks I had it coming simply for the way I treated someone recently, and
this is where I go off on a tangent.
He recognized me when he spotted me on campus. I kept
avoiding eye contact because I didn’t want to talk to him and I couldn’t for
the life of me remember why. He did not pick up on my attempt to avoid him
completely and approached me where I was sitting with my head down pretending
to read. He asked me how I was doing. I couldn’t remember his name until he
told me and I still couldn’t remember why I wanted nothing to do with him. He
suggests we meet for drinks to catch up. I agreed to it simply because I
desperately wanted to remember what it was about this guy that made me want to
kick him.
THIS is the type of guy I attract. I'm doing something wrong.
So, we meet for drinks and he talks about a sociology
professor at PSU. He worships the guy and I happen to despise this professor.
In fact, said professor landed himself in hot water a year ago for having
affairs with his students. Note the plural? This professor in question isn’t a
good person. As our conversation was taking place, I was still trying to
remember why I stopped talking to this guy to begin with.
I went home that night. It was the beginnings of spring
break and I had wanted to do some journaling for some time. It had been so long
since I’d written in that book; when I opened it to begin writing I saw that my
very last entry was about the guy who approached me on campus. I was then
reminded why I didn’t want to associate myself with him: he had acted callously
and unkind. So what do I do with this information? Please don’t judge me too
harshly with the words that follow.
I receive a text from the guy who approached me at PSU and
it was apparent from the beginning that he really only wanted to get in my
pants . . . . not happening. So, he’d arrange to meet with me and I was
consistently canceling at the last minute – and I’d make the dumbest excuses: I’m giving my dog a bath, I’m washing my
hair, I’m practicing rocket science. Despite this, he persisted. I then
began to blatantly ignore him for days at a time. I finally realized that what
I was doing was just flat out wrong and I came clean and told him I didn’t want
his presence in my life. He responded that I ‘had more to do’ with us not
speaking for so long. Umm . . . I do not care. What I do care about is my
behavior. In spite of him being a jerk, there’s really no reason for me to seek
vengeance and take out all of my frustrations on him by being negligent and
uncaring.
Yeah . . . I wasn't nice. I'm not proud of it.
I think whatever we put into the Universe is what comes back.
It’s not my place to act out against another. With that in mind, I think I
deserved what happened last night. I’m generally a fairly outgoing person. I
can strike up a conversation with just about anyone. Truth. When I first
arrived there weren’t many dancers, so I saw someone sitting by herself, walked
over, introduced myself and asked a million questions about her. She wound up
being swept off by someone she dances with often.
Watch and learn . . . or just keep swimming
So, I sat. I waited. I took in the scene. Even when I’m not
dancing, I can learn a thing or two just from watching feet. As I sat there, it
began to become more crowded as the night wore on. I then began to see the
clique groups that had been mentioned. I started to tune into conversations; it
was nothing more than blatant gossip. I felt like I was back in high school. In
particular, the private high school that I loathed.
I thought people would grow out of this eventually. I'm beginning to have doubts.
Eventually I see a friend of my former beloved walk in. I
have seen her on campus countless times. I’ve smiled, waved; I’ve even said
hello. Every time I’ve been ignored. I eventually gave up because it was
obvious that she wanted nothing to do with me. Also, this was long before
things between the former beloved and I went terribly wrong. The difference
last night is that she acknowledged my presence by actually looking in my
direction – but this was not to offer a smile, only an icy cold stare. I wasn’t
particularly comfortable, especially because I didn’t know anyone in the room.
Thank goodness for the wine. Truth.
I think there was an hour of the event left. I had grown
tired of listening to the gossip and the looks of disdain from someone I hardly
knew that reminded me of a person I loved and lost. It was just a bit too close
of a connection for my liking. I texted the disgustingly cute barista that
works in the coffee shop of the PSU library. He tells me to head his way and I
oblige. ‘Radiant’ is the first thing he says when he sees me. He made me feel
like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on and we spent a few
hours catching up on our individual spring break escapades. I probably could
have talked to him all night, we have done that on occasion, but he and I both
are trying to stay on top of our last term at PSU. Instead I left smiling
because his smile is infectious. Truth. I need more people like that in my
life.
Complete acceptance and encouragement. I am thankful for the friends who keep cheering me on.
While I have lately been described as radiant, I still
question what sort of vibes I’m sending out to the world. Within the span of
only two weeks, I’ve had several men attempt to enter my life and attempt to
manipulate. I used to never see that sort of thing coming, now I can spot it
before it even begins. If I say that I’m not available, I am not relationship material
and I have no desire whatsoever to connect with you on any level – I mean it.
One guy in particular wasn’t listening and attempting to use whatever flaws in
my character that he knew of against me solely for the purpose of manipulation.
I eventually went off. I didn’t hit below the belt, I didn’t call him names or
say anything out of cruelty, I simply expressed anger and this surprised him.
It surprised me, too. Ava grew a backbone. Who knew?
Seriously, Dude. I couldn't have said it any plainer.
I can look at the vast majority of the last few weeks as a
grievance: the slew of men that are black on the inside that manage find their
way into my orbit, the fact that I’m attracting aforementioned men, the
cliquishness of a community that is supposed to be ‘social’, the flakey people,
the consistent reminders of someone I loved very much and the glares of someone
who doesn’t know me. I choose not to. I embrace the miracle.
I see a miracle in my ability to stand up for myself for
once, a miracle in the beauty of a dance that I still love, a miracle in the
joy I feel when I’m dancing in any form of movement, and a miracle in the
people in my life that continue to remind me that I am treasured, valued,
radiant and worthy of the best things in life. Today is a miracle. I embrace
it.
I've got the world on a swing. Not string; the swing is far more entertaining.
"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein
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