Reflections and Revelations

“Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end. No apologies. No regrets.”  - Clark Moustakas

If this doesn't make you smile, there is something wrong. 

The last two weeks, give or take a little, have been a roller coaster of epic proportions. It started with what I recognized as another PTSD manifestation. I thought I caught it. I thought I stopped it. I recognized the negativity and fear in my thoughts and what emotions those thoughts evoked in me. I thought that was enough. It wasn’t. I soon felt myself drowning in a pain that felt like it was ripping me in two.

I lack to the words to adequately describe how deep that pain is. Nothing I know of in the English language exists. I think this means I should take up another language.

When I began to cut the negativity from my life, good things began to happen. Good things continue to happen. This is unfamiliar territory and the uncertainty of me thinking I’m going to ruin it, that it’s going to go away has been one of the causes that triggered my most recent relapse. The other was joy – because this is an emotion I don’t recall ever feeling and my psyche didn’t know what to do with it . . . so I had a meltdown. There have been no dark and sinister events. There has been no one in my life that inflicts emotional pain. My life is a far cry from what it was only six months ago. That was my message from therapy.

I have been so very blessed. The Universe was smiling on me when it sent a radiant light into my life. We just happened to be in the same place at the same time, and she has been cheering for me ever since. This newly found friend and mentor I’ve been blessed with has had experiences similar to mine, and is far more advance in the healing process than I am. She told me I’ll learn to make PTSD my friend. When I have felt defeated and broken, she’s reminded me of exactly what it is I’m fighting against: me.  That was my message from Radiant Light. Her gentle and reassuring presence has given me the most comfort through this process. Her presence gave me glimpses of peace in the middle of chaos.

A Beautiful Soul more or less told me to quit hiding. To paraphrase his words, PTSD is an obvious part of my essence and I shouldn’t apologize when it manifests. I shouldn’t apologize for being me. When I think about it, I was essentially apologizing for my very existence. This is something for which no apology is needed. Ever. That was my message from the Beautiful Soul that has touched me more deeply than anyone ever has. He has also challenged me and shown more patience than anyone else. Well played, and I love you all the more for it.  

I acknowledge that I’ve had the wrong perception for far too long. I’ve seen the PTSD as something entirely separate from me that lurks within the deep recesses of my mind. An entity that only comes out to torment me; to conquer and destroy. I’ve grappled with it and when I finally opened my eyes, I see that I’ve been grappling with myself the whole time. I accept it as a part of being. I’ll ride the waves as they come. Perhaps I’ll even learn to surf them. 

Eventually I'll go for it and dive in. 

When I began to examine the roller coaster of emotions, I took it personally. I saw the entire process as an act of aggression against me. All I could ask was, Why? Why does this presence exist within my mind? I’ve done everything right. Then I blamed myself for creating it. I blamed myself for allowing to it to take over, because I had yet to acknowledge it as part of my essence at this point. I realized I’ve been blaming myself my whole life. It was pointed out to me today that when a child experiences something traumatic and there is no one there to tell that child otherwise, the child will think he or she was responsible for it occurring. There was a wave of trauma and I blamed myself for every sinister thing that had taken place. I’ve been blaming myself for most of my life – and I’ve been apologizing for every bad thing that’s happened to me or anyone else.

The end result of this pattern of thinking was the perception of myself as a plague that would ruin everything I touched. I am not a plague and none of those events were my fault. I am worthy of existence. That was my message from the Universe.

Can you see the joy? The balance has been restored.

Then there was another message from my Beautiful Radiant Light: The Universe reflects the energy that we exude. I have been shown love, compassion and joy. I’ve been shown patience. I’ve been shown gratitude and beauty. If this is what I’m giving the world, I’d say I’m doing okay.

When I was finally able to admit that I was hurting, I was given compassion and I was loved. Several have expressed a sincere and genuine concern for me. When I grappled with myself that last time, no one reached out. When they asked how I was doing, what they really wanted was for me to paint a rosy picture and pretend that everything was okay. It was a shallow kindness that hurt nearly as much as the pain I was inflicting on myself.

‘What do you need?’ ‘What can I do?’ I admit I didn’t know how to respond. No one has ever asked that  before. So I was given a listening ear, and I’ve been promised a hug the next time I need one. I was held up by others because I was incapable of doing it myself. I was reminded that I amount to something even though I couldn’t see it. I was loved because I couldn’t love myself.

I was also given advice that doesn't ring true to me, "Look back and remember the happy times." I told her that it was too much for me to look back right now. The truth is that there's too much pain to sift through. My happiness is here in this present moment. Then sound advice was given: keep a journal of gratitude. I have been doing so and it reminds me of the beautiful aspects of life that I take for granted. What I've been thankful for so far: I woke up to candlelight; my prayers were still burning and the level of the chakra candle has shifted to focus on another energy. I saw the sunrise for the first time in ages. I have observed a sincerity I never knew existed. Thank you, Radiant Light - for showing me gratitude. 

I’ve been reaching out to others for most of my life when I see that they’re hurting. I’ve been doing this even more lately . . . and now I’ve been touched. I recognized the pain in them and did all I could to hold them until it subsided, and now it’s been reciprocated. It’s the reaching out that I find the most beautiful. A Buddhist priest described humanity to me this way: We are individual pumpkins on a vine. The vine connects us to one another so that when one rejoices, the rest genuinely share joy. When one feels pain, the others feel pain as well. I saw the intricate system of our connection with one another and the Universe through this experience. I've talked about the imagery the Buddhist gave me many years ago ever since it was put in my mind. To describe it is one thing.To see and experience it is something else entirely.  It’s a beautiful thing. That was my revelation.

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other” – Mother Teresa